it is early morning again

Yes,
 i love those early morning porch coffee time.
i am almost completely uninterrupted
and my mind wanders freely,
thinking,
praying,
reflecting.
How little people understand me,
that was my thought today,
my needs,
my wants,
my, my ,my.
I broke the train before it got too far.
This is not a time for me,
it is time that few people have;
it is a time of quiet,
it is a time of peace,
selfish reflections do not bring peace.
My soul quiets itself and so i move on.

To reflections that despite my eyesight,
and glasses
and living in an urban area,
i saw a meteor last night.

I thought of the ribs that i cooked and shared last night.

The best?
Playing a short game of catch with an eleven year old neighbor!
That was divine!

the slight interruptions this morning are pleasant,
a mother and child and dog, out early enjoying just being out for a moment.
a good morning for an instant from inside.

There are questions, of course;
simple ones, like what do i prepare for dinner tonight?
More important ones on different relationships
and concerns
and struggles that i witness.
Direction on what and how to do something or
just how to start something that is deep in my heart.

Those deep things surprise people,
they are unexpected
and they are good and as far as i can tell pure.

It will be a good day.

in the middle of "Stuff" - thinking

it is a hard road we travel.
When do we bend,
when do we stand tall.
Who do we believe,
when our own hearts are damaged.
Is anger love
or is love anger?
When do we find what we need to change?
Do we really want to look...
down that path that hurts so bad?
When do we accept the forgiveness of others?
And when do we begin to forgive ourselves?

All are questions that we all must face...sometimes daily...

sanctuary for reflection

I have created this place
for my body and mind and soul and spirit.
Here i reflect.
It is best don in the mornings.
I do Eye exercises also,
but that is an incidental.

reflections on the flowers
and the birds
and the vegetables forming.
A doctor visit that did not bring me satisfaction,
or maybe it is a beginning.
Thinking of the Tomatoes forming
and my mind drifts to my mom,
memories of things we shared,
things she loved:
garden tomatoes,
sparrows and other wild birds.
A quiet place to sit.
So much emotion - it is good,
but it does not feel good.

Thought of cooking:
a neighbor has a birthday party for her son.
I get to pre-cook chicken for a barbecue -
The cautious Health Department Chemist blends with the outlandish home cook.
The large quantities of chicken are half (or a bit more) season by my neighbor,
half by me.
The chicken will be safe and good.

A secret about the corn bread recipe - after it is done,
place 1 quarter stick of butter, sliced thin all over the top and let it melt.
This does something outrageous.

Yes, cooking is therapy,

i get to impart part of myself to others.




Reflections of Thursday Evening's sky

A quiet morn

kind of rainy,

misty,

with a slight chill in the air.

Precious little was stirring ion the street.

The garden is always beautiful to me.

a wild morning dove and a cardinal

(of whom i have yet to get a picture of)

come visiting daily,

along with a multitude of sparrows.

This quiet is essential for my being

and i get to reflect.

Tomorrow the first doctor appointment -
one concerning the Physical Therapy and my balance.
I have expectations.
Next week the neurologist.
Yes these things are weighing on my mind.
I will enjoy life at every moment tho...
for today, a celebration:
my contibution is the brisket, cornbread and a tapinade (made with feta cheese and olives).
I will enjoy!

post 3 in one day

I must be relaxing,
Garden work,
bills,
painting (outside construction stuff),
and now this...
It has been a beautiful day
and if i never said this before -
I have a very strange sence of humor.
I left the following note for those in the house so they knew where i was:

Of course, initially i misspelled "nekid" and i really did not go that way,
but i felt free enough.
The walk allowed me to contemplate some things:
I have started with a physical therapist to try to help my balance.
You know a doctor is good when not only do they tell you what you know,
but also show you something you never suspected.
The obvious:  IWas the conclusion that i am at risk of falling.
Yes, i knew that because i do so regularly.
My legs are strong.
but there is a weakness in my left leg - i never suspected.
I lose balance when i turn my head one way or another, I knew,
but there was an idea that i might change the way i do that so as to keep my balance -
i tried what was suggested and was pleased to see it helped.
I am going to grill a leg of lamb tomorrow.
Note grill, not smoke, lamb does not do well smoked,
Of course i am setting it up with my lamb rub :
Dried mint, galic, oregano and salt.
I'll make my lemon/mint sauce tomorrow.

almost got my head cleared

but it did take 3 days off of work to do it.
It is strange that you do not realize the pressure that a job can place on you,
especially when you are truely still recovering or in a recovery stage.
The truth, i think some jobs will take you down no matter what.
Yesterday - i almost felt like painting again.
It is still there, gnawing at my heart, my soul,
but i can not describe what it is.
A flash of a vision or a picture.
A thought of a method or a thing i want to try.,
but "things" still get in the way.
Soon they will not - i hope.

Halloween is over, all Saints day is here

We had a good turn out last night, close to forty, which is good for our neighborhood.
All the children I know plus a few I did not.
I have almost no candy left over and that is also good.
Of course, I worked yesterday and do not today. That makes it a true holiday.
I get to rest and review the letter I just received from my doctor outlining the issues I am dealing with.
It is long, technical and pulls no punches.
Last night I had 2 monsters stay over, well not really monsters till this morning, before that they were my girlfriends.
They left me alone till this morning, when they decided it was time to play!
So much for sleeping in.
I am calmer than I have been, the wind has died down and so has my spirit.
I am acutely aware of how much emotion exists in my life now. It does not rule, but it is in every movement and thought.
See what removing a tumor can do?
I am going to sit out on the porch and enjoy quietness while i can.

Daily

Wow, what a day!
It seems that i am doing the work of a full time person in my pitiful 5 and 1/2 hours.
We will know that the beaches are okay for swimming (if that was ever in doubt with the water temperature at 52) and a couple of new pools will be open for Memorial day.
West beach had its swimming area extended south a bit, so there was more sampling there.
We checked the old Southfield beach and i expect that when the Mill River finishes its things, that will be an okay place for swimming. (right now only a boating club which gives under privileged children a chance to learn boating uses the area for being in the water).
Me, I was tired today, but still a bit better. I will see if I am able to do an errand after work soon, then I will extend my hours a bit again.
I am down to 6.9 hours of sick time left, but I will work this out.
The tiredness gets me a bit frustrated, but i am not down.
There are a number of a caring people in my life and they are helping me out.
It was always hard for me to accept help and so being significantly dependent of people is the last thing for me to accept.
It is funny, when I realized that i almost died on the operating table after the operation, i was not upset. Before the operation, i was petrified of dying.
When i lost all my strength and could barely walk, i was bothered, but not upset. I just became determined to get better.
When i lost my cognitive functions in November, it was not so bad because i just operated by my heart I can laugh about it now, even though others are still scared for me.
I found the people most important to me, because even the poorest one, who did not have a car , would visit me at times.
I lost the things that were important to me (i know i keep saying that, but it is true) and found they were not that important.
I found the things that were most important to me.
See what a tough day does to me?

Quiet Musings

Today I forgot my keys and when I came home no one was there. It was not a warm day, but neither was it cold, I had a nice jacket.
I sat outside on our porch hearing some unseen bird chattering in the bushes. It was quiet. The breezy was brisk and chilly, but carried with it the scent of lilac from bushes in my yard.
The sun poked through every so often, bringing a little warmth. i fell asleep.
Things do not seem to get me as upset as they did before.

Reflections, again. I do it a lot!

Didn't feel like posting yesterday, but felt fine. Today was a must.
I remember at the beginning, before the operation, being afraid of death.
I don't know if i am not afraid any more or if it just does not matter anymore.
I do know I am no longer afraid of living.
Having almost died 3 times within the adventure, I found that each experience was not that big a deal.
I do not like being so dependent on others (not being able to drive is a pain, especially in Stamford), they have enough on their plate.
I know I was always too timid in many ways. Now I find myself speaking my mind easily.
I am still careful about others, I find being kind easier.
stayed til 2 Pm at work, i realized that i am putting in almost a full day ( 7 hours, I am doing 6) and that I am enjoying it when i am busy, busy.
I am taking on certification testing now and will have a state/federal inspection soon.
This all keeps me going.

A relaxing Sunday - Reflections

I decided to take it easy today, especially after yesterday and fell asleep after church.
I woke feeling better, but with lots of things going through my head. We signed up for the next weekend that the church (St. John's Lutheran) is doing a meal for Pacific house. We were surprised, they feed 60+ people a meal. That is a lot of homeless or people who do not get regular meals in Stamford. It happens to be Easter Sunday, which is apparently a difficult Sunday to get people to volunteer, it is no biggy for us. It has been a long time since we did anything this large. When John, Dave and I were with the other few of us at Saint Luke's Chapel (Now known as St. Luke's Lifeworks) for 7 years we served 2000 meals a year to who ever was there.
The lady at the church was nice and gave us their formula for doing things. I have no problem with that, but then she wanted the church to pay for all the food. That was not our purpose, we were going to buy and prepare everything. I do not think she expected this and kept bringing up that the church would pay for the food. That's when I chimed in, "we are used to doing it this way, you are looking at 3 of the 7 people who started what is know known as St. Luke's Community Services, but it was the community at St. Luke's then." She stopped offering and that's when I had my reflections.

It seems that there has been a lot going on in me for a while. I used to have to prove that I knew everything and had to some how prove that I was the expert. What goes on me now is that there are things I am, and things I am not. To say that I know something does not prove anything about any one else, does not make me better than anyone else, but it does now represent a confidence I have in me.
I am a chemist and have worked at the Stamford Health Department for almost 30 years - I know something from direct experience about drinking water, Long Island Sound, wells, run-off, and beaches. In these things I am an expert.
In the process of my work, I have also dealt with forensics (and have training), food contamination, insects, Ticks, Lyme disease and a few other things. I am not an expert, but have significant experience.
I get by with clinical stuff, but the other people in the lab are much, much better at it than I.
I have worked with mentally ill for 30 years also (professionally through the DuBois Center, the mental health association and Family Centers) and know a bit about working with them. No, I am not an expert, Doctor or anything else, but sometimes I can help.
I have worked with the poorest, the outcasts and the struggling and can really relate to them.
I paint, my style. Some other people have enjoyed it and purchased my work. I am not expert on art, but I enjoy it.
I love all kinds of music and there seems to be no bounds to the genres I enjoy, Techno, Hip Hop, Trip Hop, Pop, Classical, Jazz, Big Band, New Age, etc... I am no expert, but I do enjoy music. I do not pretend to be a musician.
I love gardening and have been given insights from people far wiser than I, the garden I plant is usually beautiful.
I was also taught about stone work and laying brick and stone walks. It something I like and I think of my dad and another old friend every time I do it. I think they are there laughing at me or what I am doing because it is a continuation of them.
Those are my reflections, When i know something, I really know it. If I don't, I don't.

There is the scientist side who always asks why and there is the artist side, who always says that something is beautiful, enjoy.
'nugh said.