Reflections

My life did not change in the hospital.
My life did not change when the surgeon said, "He's not breathing people!".
My life did not change in the operating room.
My life did not change when the doctor looked at the MRI and said, "This has to come out"!
My life changed when my primary doctor said, "There is something going on and we have to take a closer look."
That is when the fear and the doubt and the confusion began.
that chased my old life away to make room for something better.
ow, i believe in a God who is active in our lives, but it is in a way that i do not always have to understand.
And i do not believe that this life is it,
but before that moment, i am not sure that i was at that place.
My own arrogance and need to control and manipulate things was lost.
I was no longer in control.
I could no longer manipulate things, or words or events.
You lose arrogance when that happens, so i went for an adventure.
i found the things that were most important to me.
The community that i was part of, closed ranks around me, like any good family would, and supported me.
They still support me today, in all my struggles.
And as i look back, i would change none of this.
As difficult and frustrating as it has been, not one thing.
i "see" different now, not with my eyes, but with my heart.
I see things the way i read, in large groups
and there are colors of red, and orange and yellow,
becoming waves that try to sweep people up in the anger and confusion and the "tyranny of the urgent", that is red and orange and yellow.
i see some people seeking the quiet of the blue and the green
and in the tumult for the reds and oranges, it is a constant struggle.
I no longer hear the words, or the actions, but the motivations.
There are the whirlwinds,
the ones who are trapped by the demands of the red and orange and yellow,
spinning out of control by the demands of the other.
i seek what is important now, the blue and the green,
my family
and the bonds that are stronger than those bright waves of destruction.
And i look for others who bind together in the same way.
i do not look at the action or the words,
but the motivation.
You might be surprised if you saw that as clearly as i.

catch up

For the next few days i will be catching up on the hundreds of posts i have been missing.  I will not be posting unless something really strikes me.

Tornados in Bridgeport, not here

The day was hot for most,
but just fine for me.
The sun was bright, but on the horizon,
to the south and west,
i saw the storm.
People scurried about,
One fretted that graduation would be rained out.
The clouds, they were dark and angry .
They passed swiftly through the sky,
 changing the bright sunny day to darkness in a moment,
but they were but a moment here
and no rain fell.
The sun shown its face again
and cooler breezes came.
To the east, many miles away,
those clouds hit,
with a tornado.

A shout out

Since the end of May, the lab, or rather i, have had a short term intern.
She did this as a final project for high school.
In my 30 years at the lab, i have seen many interns and many were brilliant, but this one was simply the best we have had.
She learned quickly, needed minimal supervision and took initiative at every step.
Today, she showed the true meaning of learning as she began teaching a new intern how to do the things she was doing.
She plans to be a doctor.
She will become a doctor.

How it works

It is bright today,
it is hot, even by my standards and i love it.
The morning walk started with a lite fog,
but people were friendly.
Strangers greeted mt warmly,
even the one who never smiles, was smiling this morning.
i pass a Roman catholic church walking in,
the doors were open and the priest was in the middle of The "Our Father" or the Lord's prayer.
i paused to listen and enjoy the spirit of the place and people
and continued walking.
Closer to work, i was greeted warmly by still another i knew.
It was then i was aware that the battles had been already won for the day.
i thought of the important things i must do when i got into the lab.
"The Lab", what a characterization in just two words.
There were important things to do,
calculated by years of experience and knowledge,
they were first.
The whirlwind attempted to catch me of guard as i entered
and was caught off guard,
for i was prepared...
facts and figures showed the importance.
Peer review and acceptance were its strength.
I did not need to do a things, they stood on their own.
The whirlwind did not stop, but went away
knowing it had lost for the day.
Another friendly encounter, unexpectedly warmed my heart
and then left me to do what i must.
Various people came and went,
like waves upon a rocky shore,
i was not phased.
The end of the day, one last crescendo of activity and
still one more friendly face to pull me out and have lunch.
Home, i slept well
and then woke to greet the warmth i started with.
More to do, but i knew,
still again,
the enemy was at bay and could not touch me.

The evening and its coolness touched me deeply
and at its end, i slept well for still another day.

A finishing touch

Kindness comes from no where
and every where.
It showers down like a cleansing rain, washing me,
cleaning the stench of battle from my body.
A word,
a touch,
revitalize me
and the enemy runs.
Since when has work become such a horrible task master?
Birds, sparrows, come and play and frolic in the bushes i trimmed.
A stoic, stern faced man walks home from work.
He is sad to me.
He never smiles or returns a "hello",
but marches like a solider, to and fro "work",
missing all that life has to offer in front of his face.
Was this the nameless foe i battled?
How silly to think it thought it could win.
It has its place, this work,
but i am always looking for so much more.
Even in the midst of "work", i look to give and receive,
compassion.
Something work does not know, nor comprehend.
But i comprehend it, i know it intimately.
like the curves of a lover's body.
refreshing my heart,
my soul.
Those are what matter most.
The children still flock around
and i know i have learned that lesson well,
that lesson that kindness is all that matters.

I knew it was here.

i have an enemy.
My enemy has no name.
My enemy has no form.
This nameless ghost haunts my inner peace
and robs me.
No it shant be for long,
but only a little while.
I struggle against this formless beast
and i do not let go.
i find courage in my convictions of not letting go.
I am fierce in this battle
and there are no holds barred.
But little children come up to me, unafraid
They flock around me wanting to be near,
even as i struggle.
My companions, the animals who choose to be near,
are faithful and do not flinch
and find rest with ...
me?
And i in this struggle find peace,
even as i struggle.
How can this thing be,
so marvelous and fearless...
as a child?

Not such a good time

Interruptions, work, no quietness.
Dealing with this seems impossible.
No energy to set a boundary, a limit, a pace.
The muse is not quiet, but confused.
I am not able to navigate such treacherous waters like this.
I am worn down.
The mornings have been busy,
when they should be quiet.
A hot afternoon,
has too much activity.
No time for peace. no time for quiet.
I do not like this time.
The heat should create quietness, but instead there is tumult.
Why?
I go inside for an answers and find interruption.
Will it stop
or will i break?
This creates darkness in my soul,
a bleak landscape of burned embers.
While all is green to my eyes,
my heart does not see life.
This is not good.
This must come to an end.
Acts of kindness are pushed aside.
This will come to an end.

going home

slow, so slow,
i make my way make home.
So i do not tumble or trip or fall.
I am tired, so tired.
The days are busy, so busy,
with bosses who are aggravated
and people who need help
and persons who want to complain
and work, real work.
Tedious work and i must be careful, so careful.
So fast, the cars, so fast.
running stop signs and turning around each other,
so quickly, yet they get home no faster than i.
What is their hurry, they just get mad at each other
and i get home sooner than they,
but i go slow, so slow,
to keep my balance so i might not fall
and get the rest i need.

Strange conjunctions

conjunctions - in Astronomy, the closeness of an object in the sky as observed from earth.  It usually refers to objects that can be seen with the naked eye, as in the moon and the planets.
Last night and tonight there was a conjunction, according to spaceweather.com, of the crescent moon and Venus.
I went out tonight, since it was clear and beautiful this evening and last night it was not.
I did not see it and wonder what was going on and in a normal action for me, since i see clearer, albeit in 2 images, with out my glasses, than with, i took them off.
Lo and behold there was Venus right under one of the images of the moon.
Hug?  It was not under the other image!
I have learned to focus with one eye or the other and so i focused with my left eye (the better one) first and the image was not there except under the fainter right eye image.
This was indeed strange,
When i put on the glasses Venus disappeared.
Finally, figured that Venus was in a horizontal plane, not a vertical one and with my glasses of, the one image of Venus was under the other image of the crescent moon.
What strangeness!
And i laughed all the way home...

accepted and a loss of one more fear.

Apparently. I have been in a conquering mood lately.
Last night i dealt with a fear of falling because i danced at a friends party.
Yes, i was requested to get up and dance and i was afraid of tripping on my own 2 feet, but i did manage it.
Te ladies were kind and did not mind that sometimes i knocked into them (or did they knock it me?) and it took a bit to get myself balanced.
Somewhere i found myself getting lost in the beat of the music and my feet took over.
That is all it took and i amazed myself that i could still do it.
The large party of people were very gracious of having someone they did not know be with them for this birthday celebration, but apparently they had been told i was coming and were very hospitable.
I stayed out late for me now (11:30) and stayed quiet until 8 in the morning.
All was good!

An old friend

I met an old friend the other day.
The friend was visiting someone else
and they were shaking and barely able to speak.
The friend had changed their life in an instant,
but it was not a good change,
for the friend was fear,
fear of death,
fear of the unknown.
i met him once and did not like what it did to me.
Neither did my friends,
who tried to comfort me in difficult times.
i could not hear because, my old friend was shouting so loud.
Then i met death,
and for all that fear told me, he was not so scary,
as a matter of fact, he was beautiful
and i told fear to go away
and he did.

letting go

I have had to give up so many things that i hold dear,
yet opening my hands and letting them go,
is a very freeing thing.
The control that i
used to think i had,
over so many things,
seems very unimportant now.
My work and what i believe as the truth there,
i have let it go.
i pick my battles now,
choosing only the things that are most important,
not challenging the many wrongs i see,
the attitudes,
the empty clamoring of people,
who want what they want,
What i can
and can not do,
i have let go,
i do not struggle so much
and it actually seems to help.
If i will see again, in a manner i used to,
that has flown as a bird.
i have not given up hope,
nor faith,
but the anxiousness i have had to let go.
Today, i had to let go of my mom.
She has made a decision that she wants and
I knew i had no say and i let it go.
i have given her what i know and
let her do what she wants.
It would have happened that way anyway,
but with more strife any other way,
It is a season of letting go....

longing for something different

I keep dreaming
or maybe it is a day dream,
but i close my eyes
and keep wishing that my eyes would uncross
and i would see on image again.
It is so disappointing to open my eyes,
each time to the disrupted image,
but i keep dreaming...

the rains came, finaly

I was talking to one of my beautiful neighbors,
they all are beautiful in my dreams,
but was woken suddenly with a loud sound,
a thunderclap
and then the rains came
in buckets a sheets,
washing the sky and the earth.
Punishing anything daring to fly.
The air was cooler now this torrent had passed
and i finally put on my t-shirt.

the wind today

The wind is a bully today.
It is pushing the plants and the trees and the leaves around.
It is pushing the clouds and the birds and it seems even the sun around,
so high in the sky,
how can that be,
but it seems to be.
That bully, the wind
You cannot push over me!

Back to life

Away from the flowery descriptions of life around me and in me,
i am finding myself a bit too busy and distracted.
Busy at work, with a lot of reliance on what i do and see,
I called out 5 or 6 different serious problems for individuals concerning water quality and none of them had to do with the "Scofield" area.
I have distracted myself by getting involved with several friends, playing games on facebooks.
For my friends on facebooks who do not play games, sorry for the excess game related posts.
I have been scratching at something very deep in memory and mind.
A very dark place that existed in me from a long time ago.
I am looking at it to forgive myself.
It is always one of the harder things for one to do.
We either run rough shod over it or bury it.
I think i did both and i now do not want it directing any part of my life or having any influence.  the best way is to face it and let it go.
This is my process and the games actually help me deal!
There are plenty of metaphorical thoughts in my head, but I want to deal head on and leave the issue behind.
But the weather is warm and that makes me happy and i find it easier to deal with such things when there is a lot of life around.

Games in the sky

The sun and the clouds and the rain are playing games today.
If it is hide and seek
or cat and mouse
or tag,
i can not tell!
...First the dark clouds come,
then the sun,
then the clouds again,
then little drops of moisture that do not wet the ground.
What game is this, they play today?

An ode to one not here

“Do not fall in love with me!”
She said, as if she had the power to direct my heart,
But she had neither the power,
Nor the right
and my heart did what it knew best.
It freely gave,
With no demands
Or expectations,
Desiring nothing in return,
Except to be allowed to care.
No strings,
No attachments.
Freely given.
My heart cannot be taken,
Nor driven,
Nor directed.
Only given.
One could not ask for it to do more
Nor less,
But there was no asking,
only giving.
“I told you not to fall in love with me”; she exclaimed and left.
The heart was not broken,
Only disappointed,
For it could not be told what to do,
It only did what it knew.
Why the fear of love without demands?
Was it so unusual?
it was told that it was,
but the heart continued unabated,
undisturbed,
still seeking for another who would understand.
My heart is at peace with itself and those it touches.

Summer storm

A low rumble to the west,
disturbs my slumber.
A deep sleep,
So restful and calm,
Coming from tiredness beyond description.
The clouds part
And the sun shines again.
The clouds build from the south
And the thunder returns.
Will there be rain?
The storm comes,
whether there be rain or not.
The cooling breeze caresses our faces,
The warmth of the day dissipates.