Turmoil in peace

Day 2

There is a work going on,
I cannot live in this peace forever.
The struggle,
the fight,
for my very life,
for living,
gives me purpose.
For at the edge of my being is an abyss,
a place where i want to go,
where there is no struggle,
but it is an ending, not a begining
or perhaps a beginning that i do not understand.
When i am out of this struggle,
it pulls on me even stronger;
than when i am fainting and weary
from the struggle that i have been in.
Not yet, I say,
but my aimlessness is strong.
This is not helpful
and the abyss calls me even stronger.
Love calls,
but i am missing it,
it deflects off of my heart
and i do not know why.
More info comes
 and a glimmer of purpose comes,
but i must be patient,
still again.

Safe House

Usual i have little access to a computer while away, this is an exception

Day 1

I am away,
but in a safe palce.
A place of comfort,
surrounded by things,.
both spiritual.and physical,
that bring me peace.
from all the turmoil of the past weeks.
No work and away,
but it intrudes into my thoughts and my email.
I chase it away
as with a broom;
sweeping clean my mind.
I am in the company of my community,
my family.
Their demands on me
are that i be.
Oh, i will get to do as well,
but to be is the greatest gift.

It is not strange,
but there are certain people,
that i have left behind,
that i miss greatly.
They should be here with me.

Positive

Bright sun shine,
makes my heart glad.
So does the cool breeze on my uncovered back.
Working the garden,
i see the things i planned come to fruition,
so to speak.
The anise flowers blooming so strongly,
attracting and feeding the legions of wasps,
Who tend my garden,
removing the pests that would do it harm.
They do not bother me.
The cabbage, which had almost been destroyed by caterpillars,

is back after the wasps removed the pests for their young.
My "alternative" control works well.

late night turmoil

I simply no longer have times to play games.
There are so many words of "just let me know what i can do",
but they have a price which i do not wan to pay,
a sacrifice of the things that have kept me alive and well for four years.
Help that comes with bitterness and complaint.
These do not give me life.
A simple statement from a person that i meet as i go to work and they to morning mass:
"God is good, we should be thankful for all we have."
This provided me with the un-sought comfort that i needed.
The multiple offers for trips to Doctor appointment,
all which are needed, have been fill with complaint and it feels like anger from one person.
A strange price on an offer of kindness from another,
seemed so out of place.
Another gives me a chance to grow and feel needed, in a fun way that gives me life.
My gift of cooking for others, fulfils me in a new and strange way.
and yet others have now begun to reject this. 
Those people will not read this and will not hear my complaint
and when i fade away from their life, they will wonder why and blame me,
but it is not me, it is them
and they will be left only in the misery of their complaint.
This is what has kept me up on this dark and rainy evening.
Turmoil in my soul over long time acquaintances who have not let me touch their soul and meet.
Others now i think of,
who have lost those near,
it seems so cruel that we can not be together still!
But i think we will, tho it gives little comfort now.
Find rest for our hearts, now, this is hard.

The Weather cools a bit

so I cook....

The massive amount of rainbow Swiss chard from the garden,
cooks down to but a little bit,
with garlic, chicken stock, salt and crushed red pepper.

Greek Chicken -
lots of cloves of garlic. onion, salt, white wine.
I did not put carrot or potatoes,
but cooked rice in the stock instead...
with lemon.
Okay, so i enjoy cooking
and sharing my food.

Greek Chicken would be a staple in any restaurant i had, ever.

And yes, it was eaten before i could take an "uneaten" picture!

i had a really bad day

And i am excited by ti.
It started of well,
with me feeling good all around.
The first bit at the PT for balance was good,
showing improvement in all areas.
Then we tried something that we touched on last time.
It was something i did not like,
doing head/eye movement on targets against a patterened backgound.
It did something,
something awful, that i could not describe.
I had to sit down for a minute afterwards.
I go back to work
and even though i can see the elevator button clearly, i miss it.
At work i do a few things
and answer a few questions and i realize I am unable to comprehend what i am looking at.
I leave.
I rest at home, but the patterned backgound still keeps overwelming my vision.
I realize that all my comlaints about work hinge on this issue.
There are dots on patterened backgrounds everywhere in my job.
there are optical illusions at every part of my work,
they degrade, not my vision or clairity of vision, but my mind and my ability to percieve!
An answer i have been searching so hard for so long
may have come through a very difficult day.

something a bit different

Sacred Heart RC Church

We have a church which i walk past going to work daily.
The people are warm and say hello
and the church seems to be always open.
I have meet both priests and like one a great deal.
For some reason, i was reminded of the first 2 years i was here in Stamford,
from Texas and used to people saying good morning,
even if they did not know you.
As people seem to get more absorbed in themselves,
they tend to not see anything or any one around them.
My walk into work is refreshing
because these people are some how still conected to the world and people around them.

remembering to be thankful

My frustration level
and anxiety level have been high in the last few weeks.
anticipation over a MRI was probably the root,
this is something that i need to watch,
but is not a major concern as of yet
(6 months for another MRI is okay, what they saw was very small).
but other things added to the mix.
Even in the midst of this,
I have been aware that i need to remain thankful
for i have been given many gifts...
of close friends (family) and neighbors (who have become like family),
of the things around me that are filled with beauty (the garden)
and the unusual things that surprise me in a pleasant way (the Red Hibiscus flower that came only after my mom passed).
Tho the road is not clear to me still yet,
I will remain thankful for all the good things in my life,
despite the trouble.

Mis-mash

Yep,
all mixed up tonight.
Thoughts flying everywhere.
I was "grillFather" at the picnic yesterday.
Save for some rice dish some one else brought,
I thought the food was good and safe,
but rice problem education goes back to the beginning of my start at the health department,
so i tend to be cautious about that.
Discussion later that evening and several nights before concerning why i am not married.
At least at this point in my life I know that:
1) i am not desperate
2) do not want children ('cept if someone has some already)
3)will not compromise the way of life or attitude of life that i have
4)Do not believe any relationship creates and "ownership"
5) I am very cognizant of how much care i need and
some of the side effects of my surgery are difficult to deal with.
Back to the picnic - there were leftover meats that i recommended be discarded - I know this is hard because when you have little, you do not want to discard anything.
I received a call from my friends daughter, who is visiting India for 2 months - i think she is missing this place.
Sadly, i am also thing about work and what has to be done.
It was a rough Friday and i am not looking forward to Monday.
Enjoyed Kelly's Heroes today on TV,
but i look forward to an early sleep.
Also more Doctor appointments, maybe i will remember to ask if they consider me disabled.

sanctuary for reflection

I have created this place
for my body and mind and soul and spirit.
Here i reflect.
It is best don in the mornings.
I do Eye exercises also,
but that is an incidental.

reflections on the flowers
and the birds
and the vegetables forming.
A doctor visit that did not bring me satisfaction,
or maybe it is a beginning.
Thinking of the Tomatoes forming
and my mind drifts to my mom,
memories of things we shared,
things she loved:
garden tomatoes,
sparrows and other wild birds.
A quiet place to sit.
So much emotion - it is good,
but it does not feel good.

Thought of cooking:
a neighbor has a birthday party for her son.
I get to pre-cook chicken for a barbecue -
The cautious Health Department Chemist blends with the outlandish home cook.
The large quantities of chicken are half (or a bit more) season by my neighbor,
half by me.
The chicken will be safe and good.

A secret about the corn bread recipe - after it is done,
place 1 quarter stick of butter, sliced thin all over the top and let it melt.
This does something outrageous.

Yes, cooking is therapy,

i get to impart part of myself to others.




Reflections of Thursday Evening's sky

A quiet morn

kind of rainy,

misty,

with a slight chill in the air.

Precious little was stirring ion the street.

The garden is always beautiful to me.

a wild morning dove and a cardinal

(of whom i have yet to get a picture of)

come visiting daily,

along with a multitude of sparrows.

This quiet is essential for my being

and i get to reflect.

Tomorrow the first doctor appointment -
one concerning the Physical Therapy and my balance.
I have expectations.
Next week the neurologist.
Yes these things are weighing on my mind.
I will enjoy life at every moment tho...
for today, a celebration:
my contibution is the brisket, cornbread and a tapinade (made with feta cheese and olives).
I will enjoy!

whirlwinds

of time and space.
of forcing myself to do.
I am losing things,
gaps in mind,
i forgot it was July already.
Yes things are on my mind,
but there is new therapy,
to try to stretch my body to find more balance.
There is also work,
that which seems to explode in the summer
and this wears on me also.
And then there is the desire to be with people,
but some still play games,
i do not have times for games,
even if they are unaware that they are playing them.

the experimental life

many years ago,
when i was in year 3 of college,
studing chemistry.
A course i took was a lab in instrumental analysis.
The entire grade revolved around one experiment using Gas Chromatography.
We had to synthesize the matrial used in the column
and that is where the problems began.
It was a delicate reaction
and as hard as we tried to control the variables,
the reaction failed...
time and time again.
We learned many lessons:
that variables beyond our control could change things;
Temerature, atmospheric pressure and humidity were a few.
We also learned that failure to produce the material did not mean we failed the course.
We had to write up our failure and deduce "Why",
then we had to write up what would have been the action of the material if we had succeeded.
My partnern and i both received an "A" for the course.
Fast forward to yesterday and the catistrophic failure of the cornbread.
All factors had to be concidered:  old baking powder, atmospheric pressure, noise...
It all had a factor.
Today  the atmosphere was different and the cornbread came to pass perfectly.
On to my current Physical Therapy for my balance.
The worker almost threw up her hands because i am a unique case,
one that all the normal things do not work on.
She wants to "experiment".
I am game.

While i am drifting, floating, falling

i am also preparing for a 4th of july pinic,
but have been tired.

First was the brisket
a double old school Brisket.

Cooked over slow smoke for 14 hours.

This is backyard brisket at its best.

Then the corn bread,
my Greek inspired cornbread.
On a scale of 1 to 5, it rank a 10 in difficulty.
I have done this correctly 5 times,
i have failed three
and this Sunday made 4.
I hope i feel better tomorrow!

The recipe:

Cornbread

(Greek inspired!)

You can play a little with this recipe, but if you go overboard, it will not rise

i have added 1 cup cooked grits (for texture) and 1 tablespoon of granulated sugar (to increase sweetness) and substituted 1 can of creamed corn (time and texture) without it falling on me.

4 sticks of softened butter
8 eggs - separated
1/8 teaspoon cream of tarter
2 cups Maseca (cornmeal)
3 tablespoons Baking Powder
2 cups half & half
1/2 cup sour cream
1 cup corn (thawed frozen or canned)
2 teaspoons salt
1/2 cup diced cilantro
1/2 cup chopped chives
2 Chipolte peppers (diced or shredded)
8 oz shredded cheese

Beat egg whites with cream of tartar until just stiff and set aside

Beat egg yolks until thick and then add butter and whip
Mix in half & half and sour cream and continue to beat,
Mix Corn Meal and baking powder,
Fold in salt, corn meal and corn meal mixture
Fold in corn, cilantro, chives and poblano peppers
Fold in the egg whites
Pour into large 9 x 12 pan and bake at 350 for 40 minutes
Top with the shredded cheese and continue to bake an additional 10 minutes
The edges should be just golden.