A question of why not

I do not think i have done any recent posts on the way i live
and the woman in the window had some questions and i feel i should answer in a post.
When I was young, I was always curious, always searching.
I did not think i had the answers, but i wanted them.
I was, in reality, lonely also, looking, for some answers to things in my heart, that did not fit in my brain.
In college, i encountered a group of people, who did not have all the answers either, but were not lonely.
The spiritual base was and is Christianity, but there was no exclusivity involved and they lived a "shared life".
They were connected to a rather large Episcopal church and out reach in Houston and i was fascinated and drawn.
They helped people by being together, but it was an aside, being together was first and reaching out a natural outcome.
That fit.
We shared living space. meals, heartaches and joys.
As i was completing college, they were planning to move up to New England, they had received an invitation by another Episcopal church (and they were from this area) and had all the doors they thought would never open, open for them to come up.
They invited me.
Living this way is never easy, everything gets in the way.
You are with people like a close nit family, squabbling, laughing, crying and going on,
In our household, there are four guys, 1 is mentally disabled and he is a "guest" as much as anyone could be, but engages to the extent of his ability.
Another had damage to his brain from birth and while he carries the titled "disabled", there are times he is more able than i.
There is John, who does not have the labeled "disabled", but like me, has some limitations.
We try to put everything into a basket and some how ,we seem to come up with more than we put in.
We share meals, books , papers, TV shows, movies, chores, cooking,discussions, politics and our hearts.
We share the house expenses.
We do not all think the same or have the same views on almost anything, except that we should be together.
There are other houses that are part of this community and we get together when we can, weekly at the very least.
We have our outside friends, our own politics and our own spiritual beliefs.
It is unimportant that we think alike and probably better, but it is important to respect each other.
We bump in to each other, get angry, even sometimes yell.  We keep trying to go further in our hearts and learn something each day.
We collectively are not celibate, John has a girl friend and i have many friends, David's gift is with animals and Eric loves politics.
We get along and each day is something new.

Fire

There are reasons for the way i live,
a communal, spiritual, shared lifestyle
that few understand, but most seem to respect.
This evening, John comes down the stairs, declaring, "something is burning".
We look around the house and decide that it is out side.
When we open the door, our neighbors car across the street is on fire,
there are other people looking from outside,
but we react.
David, our most limited member, calls 911.
John, grabs two of the many fire extinguishers he has around the house,
I switch the sprinkler hose with a jet hose.
John puts out the fire,
I cool the car so it will not re catch on fire.
The fire department arrives, pries open the hood and insures no more fire will occur,
They find the damage has not spread.
Of course the neighbors car is totaled,
but there was a wood fence,
a pine tree
and a lot of electrical wires that did not get involved.

Of course i had to fall once getting the hose ready, but it was of no import.
No one got hurt, the fire did not spread.

Waking

I awoke this morning to find My cat,
of 17 or 18 years
and 2 years past,
meowing in my face.
I was helping someone,
giving them things from my garden,
a person whom others would call homeless,
but i do not know,
i just knew she had to eat.
There was my cat,
doing what he always did,
chasing vermin
and giving love.
I then remembered it is almost 2 years since he left
and i started on my adventure.
I was reminded that he had Siamese eyes,
blue and slightly crossed,
but was not blind in either eye,
as is what usually happens.
He was a lion among the domestic species,
clearing the area of rats,
mice,
squirrels,
a possum or two
and a raccoon.
I think he still is around,
ridding the yard of vermin.
I wonder if that is what i am to do?

steps

One step in front of the other.
That is as it is, as it will be forever.
Down the street,
Down the steep slope,
across the bridge and the "river".
One step in front of the other,
down to work.
At work,
one thing at a time,
the same as one step in front of anther.
Not a different pace or action,
but how it is.
Going home,
cross the bridge,
cross the river,
one step at a time,
one foot in front of the other.
Slowly now, up that steep hill,
one step at a time.
vision blurred, body tired.
going home,
one step at a time.
Each step seems a formidable task,
when taken as a whole,
but one step,
i can manage.
One at a time,
one foot in front of the other.
Step, step,
almost home.
I stop.
I am home,
the steps have stopped
and i can
rest.

busy?

Words have been absent,
thoughts have not.
Actions have been many,
movement has been slow
and steady.
Many, many things are piling up around me,
trying to push me...
down
or around.
It seems they have not,
but words have escaped me.

tribute

I am sad today because i finally read of an end of one of my favorite bloggers.
Barry passed on yesterday.
I do not believe that death is an end and so i am not sorry that his suffering is at an end,
but i will miss his postings and i feel greatly for his family.
His blog, An explorers view of life,  was fukll of insight and hope.
I received a great deal of comfort from it.
No more to say than that.

Vision

Such a strange sight,
two pillars turn to four
and back again.
They oscillate, with one pair appearing,
while the other becomes just transparent.
Four then two,
is it a wall
or a path.
I can not tell.
Horizontal lines of light appear from nowhere.
stretching across my field of view,
like a silver spider web of fire.
Now cross hatches
as those silver light strands,
mix with the ridges that are the prisms in the glasses.
A mans head appears on top of a womans
and then she reappears as she should be.
How active this view
and in a perverse sort of way,
how beautiful, also.
I close my eyes,
"is it gone?", i ask.
As i open them the dance continues unabated
and so i join in.
learning new steps,
to a new dance,
in a new life.

Where i am going, i do not know or do i?

i am nervous,
unsettled,
slightly confused.
My journey feels different,
but looks the same.
The destination is not clear
or is it.
Like my own confusing vision,
the path is obscured in multiples,
paths fading in
and out.
Crossing each other and separating into the distance.
Are they the same or
are they different?
The steps i must take are only clear when they are up close
and although, i am sure of the step,
i am unsure of the path.
Is it a mountain top
or a deep valley.
Is there life
or is there death along the way.
I can not see.

Observations

on my eyes -
In the morning, when i awake,
the two images from my eyes are most joined.
Not totally split, but not totally separate either,
so my computer screen, with its pictures,
appears as a stretched out rectangle of color.
This is the most confusing to see.
I can easily see a single image at counter height and this lasts almost an hour.
 \When i sit out side, without the glasses, there is a fight between which predominates.
The left is the stronger, mostly because at a 45 degree point of center, the right eye "swims".
If i close my eyes and then open them, the right image moves,
slowly off from a closer center point, till it settles at some distance away.
 My peripheral vision is still incredible,
but different,
looking straight ahead,
my left eye "sees" and recognizes objects at greater than 100 degrees,
but my right eye only recognizes things at about 85 degrees.
At night, when i am tired, using the glasses sometimes hurts
 and i can watch TV without them, enjoying a "double feature" of sorts.
At this time the right, weaker eye appears more normal, but the left eye is open much wider.
the image from my right eye, in the less light of night appears "bluer".
This is not noticeable during the day.
Reading glasses are sometimes needed at work, sometimes not.
Sometimes i can not use them and this is variable with time and days.
The "focus changing exercise" is in constant use at work
and so i tire still by 12, leaving by 1, but i start at 7:30.
Balance is still an issue - always, tho i walk around the block several times without my cane,
i will not do without it going longer distances.
It has saved me from falls.

On my life -
i sometimes feel too protected,
i sometimes feel too much is asked of me.
i sometimes feel i do not rest enough,
i sometimes feel i do not do enough.
What a confused picture i must present,
for i still do not know where to stand or run or walk or fly,
doing none at times and all at others.
i huger to talk to people,
i desire to be alone.
i am free and trapped at the same time.
And i wonder why i have double vision, my life is double also!

Memory of adolescence

I was suddenly taken back to the past,

a place that was real,
filled with sadness and joy.
I am ridding my bike, a ten speed it was,
exploring Houston.
From downtown,
to Briarwoods park,
to the northwest fringes of new homes.
I escaped, ridding long hours,
with the breeze on my face
and the sun shining brightly above.
I felt i was flying, with no care in the world,
but soon the sun would begin to set in that flat Texas sky,
and i would return home.
i was out, when queried where i had gone.
But down the paved walks along the bayou i had gone,
through the trees of the parks i had fled,
forgetting my life for a moment.
This disjointed life i lead now causes me to want to escape,
to run away and leave everything behind,
as only a memory.
I remember finding quiet places where no one else would go,
laying down in green grass,
looking up to the blue skies,
watching chimney swifts darting high above in the sky.
Their freedom i hungered for,
to escape this place i felt so trapped.
i did not belong.
i was too smart,
i played too much football, baseball and wrestling
i was too young,
i had too much emotion,
i had too much control of those emotions.
So said each group - the jocks,
the brains,
the debaters,
the thespians,
though i found great comfort among the thespians, i still did not belong.
And so i escaped into my own world, riding my bike,far away,
feeling tho i was flying like those birds so high above.

I wish to be there again today.

prowling, growling

The lion has come out,
he roams this world, not in silence,
but with a roar that fears others with dread.
Some times there is anger,
most there is not.
Anger is useless,
It consumes the heart and mind
with superfluous energy.
This is different,
it sets boundaries and says this is what it is, no more.
Sometimes when rage creeps in, it hurts those it should not,
else wise, it stands tall and firm.
There will be a test again tonight...

this morning

This morning.
the garden called my name.
It said come here,
i need you,
for i am ripe and ready for the taking.
And so i wandered,
through the lushes curves of my garden's bounty,
finding the secret places,
where she had hidden her treasures.
The aromas were delight full
and the sun was not  yet upon her.
She opened her secrets to me.
lettuce and parsley,
cabbage leaves, for the heads were not yet formed
Small red onions and peppers, hot and not.
basil and chives and something called cinnamon basil,
all with their overwhelming smells.
Not tomatoes yet, nor okra for she was not yet fully formed,
but the delights she provided!
and her smells linger on me still.

Strangeness of the eyes

my eyes confuse me,
not what they do not see,
not how they see two images,
but what they do see.
At work, on the computer,
i am reviewing a database. in as best as i can describe. scroll view.
The information is flying past and 30 to 50 records at a time,
i take it in.
How?
I have not a clue, but i do,
till i find what i am looking for.
The scrolling is so fast that i over shoot my mark
and must go back.
How strange this is!
Like Data in an old star trek, the info flies past.
I am surprised, how can this be?
As tired as i get from this use,
i still marvel and have not a clue.

Random Experiences for the day

Walking to work,
maybe,
for it felt more like i was swimming through a wall of water,
the humidity was so high.
The high heat of the past few days was nothing compared to this,
this moisture which clung to my every step.

From the lab, on the eighth floor,
I spy a storm in the distance.
It is dark and intense,
but i see no flashes of lighting
nor hear any rumble of thunder.
Soon it is gone,
not coming near,
but clearing the air it seems.
A new intern, less vibrant,
 less interested than the last, but nevertheless a help.

Walking home i stop at a local store.
i know the owners,
but many times they are not there,
i stop anyway.
The help, i am sure wonders about this,
 but it is simple,
it is a flower shop.
i stop for the beauty of the plants,
the smells
and the people who do work there.

The air has cleared and is not so heavy.
The sun that was a haze,
is full and bight,
but it is not so hot as days past.
It is a pleasure to walk home.

a meeting place

i have fought my battles
and they are all but won
and now one more foe i must face.
It creeps softly, silently like a fog, not a cat,
gradually grasping for my soul.
It is dark and forbidding
and it shuts out all light.
It is not something to surrender to,
for that would be the end of life.
This malaise,
this feeling of hopelessness that comes from no where.
Despair is one of its names,
depression another.
It saps strength and will
and now i face it, knowing its name
and confident in the outcome.
For my energy is strong and my heart is not willing to be taken prisoner
by such a mighty and horrible foe.

clearing

The sun beat down unmercifully,
driving most people,
with any semblance of sanity,
indoors,
but not me.
The garden beckoned me.
Calling my name,
"finish now what you began", it demanded.
And so into the triangle, where i had begun to thin out,
the one where the green monster had lived,
I moved.
i moved carefully
because what once was difficult,
was nigh unto impossible.
Keeping my balance that it.
So i moved,
without grace,
trimming,
clearing weeds
and making tame what once was an untamed wilderness.
sweat poured off my heated brow,
that i did not mind,
but it fell onto my glasses,
distorted still more,
my distorted vision,
The plants that were left thanked me as i left.
Was it for leaving or for giving them room to breath?
I do not know for now i went inside to escape the sun's wrath.

Moments

Thoughts come together
and then fall apart,
not in an instance,
but in some crazy fractal way,
piece by piece.
I grab at the pieces,
but they are gone,
being replaced by yet another image.
Like a child's kaleidoscope,
the pieces shape and change,
in crazy patterns and angles.
I look for my touchstone,
a crazy unused number that is embedded in my mind.
I lost it once and did not remember its importance,
6.02 times 10 to the 23 power,
I even remember the inverse, the number i might use,
\in some long forgotten class.
It is still intact,
unmolested by this crazy pattern in my head.
Events, mix separate and come together in strange ways.
Peoples conversations, not here come together and break apart.
What strange effects this week had on me!
I am okay, just a bit mixed, shaken and stirred,
but i am okay.

The evolution

When i first started at the Health department,
i had been encouraged to so because it was a relatively "safe" job
and i was brash and impulsive and reckless,
not good qualities for a chemist,
but i loved to learn
and so that is what i did.
I learned and found that i could give advice with what i learned.
At first, this was a rush,
a source of pride, of arrogance.
It was easy for me to put together pieces of a puzzle and see thing connecting,
where others did not,
and so i published my first research article.
Some where this knowledge began to matured
and became just a vehicle to help people,
to give them something to make a decision,
that otherwise they would be in a quandary.
i learned more, put together more pieces, directed investigations,
cause i saw how to put things together so they made sense.

This week was a rough week for many reasons.
there were people with knowledge, who distorted it to their own advantage.
There were out right liars
and there were those who hid just enough of the truth, so some one else could "hang" themselves with it.
i am fairly passionate,
i got very angry.
i exposed the lie, the hidden, the distorted.
It was not good for me, for my health, my well being, but it did make a lot of people safer.
Was it worth it?
I am still pondering that question and do not have an answer yet.

Distractions

I have been distracted lately
and it had means there are many things that i was doing,
 that i am not.
Like painting
and blogging.
While some of those distractions are frivolous, many are not.
Like my Garden...

or my friends...

Jenny                                                                        Courtney

 

Irene

And even Art

I guess the distraction are okay!