There really is a reason...

The reason that i am leaving the workplace that i have been for 33 years.
It is not because it is dull.
It is not because it has changed,
because it has and that has always been what thrilled me,
no the reason is found in what the doctors still do not have an answer for.
The example:
Today i went for an appointment that every note i had written said was at 11 AM today.
Tomorrow i go to an appointment at 9:45 PM that every note i had written said was today at 9:15 PM.
The first appointment was yesterday,
today's appointment is tomorrow.
Even outlook's calender (something i never use) fooled me.

The doctors have ruled out dementia and Alzheimer's.
They say my cognitive ability is "superior", what ever that means,
but i get exasperated at my confusion.
i hear people say; "it happens to me too",
but that kind of confusion did not happen to me
and now it does.
My problem
and it is my problem,
is that i still at times do not understand how i could get things so wrong and misplaced.
There is no "organic" reason for this according to the doctors,
no cognitive misstep,
it just happens.
I can not continue to work like this.
I am frustrated.
There is retirement for me,
but without a cause - it is not disability retirement.

i really was not expecting this, not at this time

Thanksgiving was not my time to spend with my mom,
i wanted her to spend it with her once removed family
and i told her often.
It was Christmas and her birthday that we spent together
and those are not due yet.
It has been a year and a half
and yes i still miss her,
but it was not suppose to hit so hard during Thanksgiving!
I became melancholy, sad, upset and depressed
and i could not fathom why.
I told those closest to me (who i consider like brothers and sisters),
that i felt alone
and they felt left out.
I did not want to be "here" any more
but i did not know why.
I spoke and they dragged it out of me,
from a place that i was not expecting, not at Thanksgiving time.
Yes, i still miss my mom.
She came to me during waking hours and rub that spot where the operation was,
as she did those times 4 years ago,
when my head was swollen and sore,
and i was fine.
It will probably happen again,
but for now,
i am fine.

the heart of life

it happened still again,
i had thoughts, feelings about something,
and with my words i was at a loss.
this is common for me, not unusual.
Thee are things i feel and see
and they are outside the boundries of description with mere words.

This frustrates those around me
for in my attempt to share the indescribable
i create something that is not what i had in my heart.

the normal process in human life is that tension is created,
anger,
confusion.
So much to misunderstand.
I strggle,
they struggle,
this does not look good.

But long ago, i had found the answer.
The thing that difuses all of this,
the creates a better place...
for forgiving wrongs imagined and real
releases our hearts.
Only one need to start this
for it is by far more infections than the worst flu.
It will spread
and what would have been meant for harn,
is turned to good.

Gifts and whatnot...

It is the day after
and the fog outside
clings to me,
chilling my very bones.

my thoughts are scattered,
but i am at peace,
feeling like i am looking out on a still sea.

betchai shared a picture of what i feel today.

 

To keep thankfulness in our hearts

for the entire year is always a challenge...

i will NOT be participating in the insanity of buying gifts and whatnot,

i will probably cook for others and let them enjoy...those will be my gifts

a small piece of me...

The smoked turkey was very good for yesterday,

but thee were some mistakes

and so i learn...

 

The recipe that i will use?

 

I will probably brine the turkey fist

(Soak overnight in a salt water solution and do a quick rince)

I will rub the meat under the skin with a mixture of maple syrup, paprika and salt.

The skin will only have the salt that soaked into from the brine.

This will make the turkey incredible.

 

There are leaves still on my trees (even after the early snow)

and my parsley and oregano are still green...

this should be a mild winter - not like last year,

but for New England - mild.

 

As i said my thoughts are scattered:

I have been thinking of the gifts that we all can bring to each other,

and how it effects the way each of us do things.

The method of those gifts might be different,

seem disconeccted and cause conflict,

for a person who is able to repair things might leaves tools scattered

and the person who can make things look prety might have and issue with this,

but if both focus on a finished product - the conflict is avoided

and both can work together in harmony

and the result will be really good.

Early Thanksgivng 2012

I woke up early - 6 Am
and am just getting my head together.
but the turkey was finished on the smoker
now for gravey, cornbread and maybe stuffing.
Of course that is not the entire meal,
but other will bring that to the party, elsewhere.
Of course i am thinking of what this whole day is about

Being Thankful,
not something i ever forget,
but sometimes it gets muddles by things around me.
Many of my friends are still struggling,
but i have decided that the best way to help them
is to continue to be thankful myself...
This does make it all good.

God bless you all,
even in your troubles.

Sunday morning and i am good

I have been fortunate,as of late in many ways.
So as i looking at all of the small things,
i find one that is a bit fun,
unlike many years where the pumpkins of Halloween froze and the decayed into a disgusting mas,
they have maintained a very health composure.
Today i am stewing meat in a pumpkin, but while doing this, i ran into a recipe from last year using pumpkin as a pasta sauce.  It was awesome, but i am sticking to the stewed meat today.

here is the old recipe:

PUMPKIN PASTA SAUCE

2-cups Pumpkin or winter squash

¼-cup half and half
3-cups water
¼ teaspoon nutmeg
1-teaspoon ground rosemary
½-teaspoon allspice
1-teaspoon salt
1-tablespoon brown sugar
1-cup Parmesan cheese
1-cup shredded mozzarella cheese

Boil cut up pumpkin with 2 cups water and salt until soft

Strain, coarsely and pour remaining water (boiling) through the mash
And allspice, nutmeg, Rosemary and sugar to the mixture and bring to a boil
Reduce heat so the mixture just simmers and continue until volume is reduce by half
Turn off heat and add cheeses and mix
Serve over your favorite pasta immediately.

Saturday, cold Saturday

the air is clear,
the sun is bright,
there is not a cloud in the sky...
yet i sit here,
huddled in my room,
with heat,
for to me, this 40 degrees outside is cold.
I read the thoughts and feeling
of those in the blog sphere
and i think of those (so many it seems) near.
those who are going through so much,
it breaks my heart,
tho the difficulties have not touched me.
4 or 5, struggling,
with a cold that is not from temperature...
one who works without getting paid,
3 who struggle with partner relationships,
one who works so much, he looks half dead.
And there is me,
my struggles pale in comparison to those near me who lost their homes.
This should be near a time of joy and rejoicing,
of celebration and peace.
Those seem far away for so many people...

Pork Chops

this is what i cooked last night and i was surprised at how juicy and tender these chops were.

Pork Chops - baked - juicy - flavorful

6 pork chops

6 cloves garlic, sliced or minced
2 cups celery, diced
2 or 3 Italian hot peppers, rough cut
1 onion, diced
4 apples, sliced
1 cup white wine
1 cup apple juice
1 can black olives with juice
1 teaspoon black pepper
1 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon cooking oil (your favorite)

In a large skillet, add the oil, peppers and onions and just sweat the onions.

Add the garlic and then the chops and just brown the chops on each side.
preheat the oven to 270 F and when the chops are just brown remove them and put them in a large baking pan.
Add the remainder of the ingredients to the skillet and bring to a boil for 2 minutes.
Pour over the chops and place in the oven for 30 minutes.
Turn the chops and continue for an additional 30 minutes..
Increase heat to 425 F for 15 minutes, turning the chops once.
 
Serve

he olives actually begin to shrival and pack a lot of flavor

a way out

Compassion,
empathy,
it is not enough,
you feel with those who suffer
and either you distance yourself and feel sympathy for
and are then truly condensing
or are drawn down into the same muck that they are in.
Okay at least you have company, right?
But it does not help...

There is another way...

The pessimist says "Cheer up, it can only get worse!"
The optimist: "cheer up. it can only get better!"

but there is still another way
where the glass is neither half full or half empty,
it is a glass with liquid in it.

That you feel the pain and the discomfort
and yet you know that even the worst of it,
works together for good.

It is a nonsensical view,
one that makes no sense to those looking in.

It is the only way out

as i heard so often...

through the belly of the whale!

today i have sadness

not for me tho...
but for a friend.
Is an end really a new beginning
or just a continuation of a circle of the past?
how can we, with all of our limitations,
find our way out of this.
If we can not, who will?

I listen with sadness and my heart breaks,
knowing all that i have,
is not enough.
For work is needed
and if one will not?
Is it better to end quickly?
or let thing slowly rot?

I am not wise enough to know,
I only have a heart to give
and a shoulder to cry on
and a friend to be.

Is that enough?

dreams of...

cooking for my family and friends,
of seeing the same, single image, with and with out my glasses,
Of sharing the secrets to long relationships that work...

This is all good
and they happened
and happen
all through last night.

Cooking has been a recurrent theme as of late,both for now and for the hereafter..

Taking of my glsses
and seeing the same, single image a 3 feet away...
that was a treat, especially since i had just expresed by doubts of such a thing ever happening.

And the thing about relationships -
oh for people who do not know,
it is always work,
there is constant forgiveness
and disscussions
and meeting the other in places we did not know.
and it goes back to cooking,
to know what a perso likes and serving it to them, even if it is not what i like...

it was all good.

its a bit past 7, but it feels like 9

yea, i am not into this whole time change thing,

Yesterday, i left my reading glasses over a friend,
where i had been trying to help her with a dead computer,
but that is a story for later.
So i was by default without a computer.
The reading glasses have significantly less prism and let me see well within 2 feet.
The regular glasses give me good single vison from 3 feet to?.
The question has to the day and how i am doing etc... 
It can be as little as 20 feet to good day, over a mile.

So catching up, i have heard with sadness the reactions to the election...
to those who claim to be Christian, and it seems there are many  I must ask the question:
aren't we suppose to pray for who ever is in power in government?
And Isn't God still on the throne?
Or did your own desires supersede that?
To the others who spew so much anger and hate -
it is to your demise, not the current presidents, that you have this anger.

On to more rants - i have been working with windows 8 on my friend's computer
and never have i seen such a worthless (Expletives deleted) of software, ever.
I did mange to "hack" it to install an older program (by installing an older.obsolete .net file),
but by an large this new interface seems to be no more than a ploy to make persons buy all new software.

To more pleasant news, the weather has been mild
and because there is a certain level of patterning that occurs fro November 9th -
i must predict a milder winter in my part of the world (New England).


I do not think i wish to be involved with computers or chemistry after i retire,
I will stick to cooking!

the manner of my living

today is my birthday
and for it i did a number of things:
1) i did not go to work, they must learn to do it without me.

2)I washed my bed sheets - i get to sleep on clean sheet tonight!.

3) i went to a doctor appointment/consultation for somethings i do not want to do, but have enough people saying i should do it, that i will.

4) while at the appointment i stopped by the rehabilitation area that i spent 1.5 mounts in after the operation 4 years ago.  This is about the time i left it and i have not been back since.  It was time.

5)I am cooking - my own version of Pernil, roasted buttnut squash, corn bread and escarole.  there are a few extra people coming over for dinner, but it is the cooking that is important.

6) I have not napped and when i am nt working, this is normal.

7) I visited a friend, always a good thing cause i got to see her laugh.

This is a good day, i did what i needed, faced my challenges head on,  did something a bit over due, but difficult, did some thing special and kept in touch with important people.
This was a very good day.

it is a birthday after all

yes, coming this Friday
and it is important in that i am now at an age i can retire...
and i amm.
Otherwise, i do not want others to do anything fo me,
rather, i am taking a day off to cook...
Maybe a smoked form of pernil - depending on the temperature
and a small gathering of friends and family.
I do not want gifts...
the biggest one i have is those that will be at by home,
save a few that are out of state...
I will hear from them also, i know.
When i was 33, for my birthday,
i bought everyone a small gift that i thought they would like,
turing things on their heads so to speak.
I will not be doing that this year, maybe my 66th,
but this year i just want people near me.
Nothing outrageous...

off and on

Ill for a week with a viral thing that got my pharnex,
knowing my time here is not done, yet.
Finding things that i still must work on.
(Ah, but don't we all have that one more thing...).
Watching what happened around me
and what happened in NY and New Jersey.
I believe i am overwelmed,
I wish to shut down,
to no speak
or even breath,
but i do.
My eyes start moving around, making it difficult to see
when such things are present.
Yes I am okay,
things do work for the best,
In ways that we can not understand or imagine.
We see the underside of a tapestry,
with all the strings and knots and untidiness,
but that is not what it really looks like.
We only see the work that brings the picture together on top.
That is okay.
We will get through this...
always.

"Fred"

A simple one pot stle pasta dish resembling Lasana in taste.
That is the definition as simple as i can make it.
Discussed on another blog, on another continent "Carol's Chatter".

The following is mt  (and David's) version of Fred!

The Cook of the Day



onions and garlic

parsley, celery and peppers



the meat

with everything but pasta

with pasta

"FRED"

 A simple, Lasagna like in its taste, pasta dish

4 cloves Garlic, sliced

1 white onion, sliced
2 bell peppers, roughly diced
1 cup celery (leaves and all) chopped
1/4 cup parsley, chopped.
1 and 1/2 pounds ground beef
1 tablespoon dry oregano
1 teaspoon salt (plus extra to taste)
1 jar of your favorite pasta sauce
1/2 cup basil, chopped
1 pound of your favorite tube pasta (not spaghetti-like)
1/2 cup parmesan cheese, grated
1/2 cup red wine

sauté the onions and garlic in a small amount of olive oil.

Add meat when they just begin to get soft and brown it slightly.
Add wine, oregano, basil, parsley, celery and peppers.
When this comes to a boil add the pasta sauce.
reduce to a simmer and start the pasta.
Add the parmesan cheese and then the pasta and stir.
Turn off the heat.
 
Serve with a bit more parmesan cheese on top.

some people like to add black olives and crushed red pepper.