relationships

David - some what disabled,
with brain trauma from birth,
lives as part of our spiritual community, in our household.
As in all relationships, things are not always perfect,
but there is commitment to stick together.
To me, it is better than a marraige and as some one noted, probably the reason why i have never married.
But it is not tht simple, so i will digress a moment and explain, that i would have, if
I had found some one to share my life and values
(there were two such people, who both died of disease early in life).
Now back to the story:
Early on, we had a teaching (and one i think i learned),

 

A joy shared is twice the joy,

a burden shared is half the burden.

So at this time, i am sharing Dave's burden,
as he has shared mine many times.
There will be times again of joy,
and fun
and even play.
That is how to live life, to take every thing that is given and thrown at us
and share it.

That is the life i live, there is nothing like it in the world.

two mothers

one at that "twilight" place between life and death,
the other passed for a yeaar and a half...
David, who mother has been in  a severe Alzhimer's state for 5 years,
not recognizing anyone of her children for those 5 years,
suddenly recognizes David's voice over the phone and calls his name.
He Cried that deep sob, that only comes from that deep place of the soul of missing someone.
He will be traveling to see her, perhaps one last time tomorrow.
Last night in a strange dream,
where i was walking in Stamford and had to make a turn because of the crowds,
found my self in my home town of houston, Texas, in front of my old house.
What a strange site it was, coered in snow,
with a bunch of old cars in the drive.
My mom came and said, no one else likes it this way, but i do.
Then; "I have a plan for getting rid of these cars, it is all written down."
I woke, realizing how much i miss her and it took an hor and a half to fall asleep again.
two mothers, giving their sons a gift, still.

a sunday walk through town

It was a beautiful day for a walk, so i took David with me.
There are so many things to discover, but i had purpose.
I had been looking for a Food Mill for sometime,
ever since my least favorite (because i actually dislike her) Food Network cheif, Anne Burrell,
used it and i was impressed.
The way i shop, is i look things up, find them on line and then go to the store.
I know the online price (which usually includes shipping) and i need to see an item before i buy.
Where ever it is cheaper, i buy and that is what i did today.
Additionally, David needed to just get out.
Additionlly, i get to walk downtown Stamford and pass by restaurants.
If OmNomCT wonders why i do not aften post about restaurants - here it goes:
mary ann's stamford has been cited numerous times for having the windows open with out sliding the screens into place.
The windows were open, with no screens - true Mexican experience, complete with flies!

Then there was Barcelona, which has expensive air blowers to keep the same vermin out of the restaurant and kitchen and they were not on.
It was a beautiful and warm day, so the insects were swarming - it bothers me and now you know wy i do not post about restaurants.

Filo wrapped Cod

I have enough recipes to post one a week for a number of years, so this is a first of many...

FILO WRAPPED FISH

this a Greek inspired dish with that wonderful pastry dough, Filo.

white, light fish (Cod is best) - size according to number of people 1/4 pound per person (with extras)

2 quarters butter, melted
Filo dough
juice of 2 lemons
1 tablespoon capers
1/2 teaspoon ginger
2 scallions, cut small
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
zest of 1 lemon
1 tablespoon flour (or Maseca, a finely ground corn meal)
1 egg white, beaten, but not stiff

Mix flour, ginger, scallions, lemon zest, egg white and half of the lemon juice with 1 quarter of melted butter. set aside, but do not let cool.

Rinse fish and cut into portions sizes.
In a pan with a wire rack, begin to layer Filo dough, buttering each piece.
Fold each piece of Filo in half and butter again.
lay a portion of the fish in Filo and add flour and caper mixture on top of the Filo.
close the Filo dough and butter the top.
Mix the remaining lemon and butter together for a butter lemon mixture
Bake at 350 F until the Filo is golden brown
remove and serve warm, the lemon butter can be used as a sauce on the side.

Finality

is it really a word,
a description?
Perhaps it is the only way to describe what we see
or rather can not see.
David,
the gentleman who shares our house,
is facing the imminent death of his mother this week.
She is 91 and has had Alzheimer's for a number of years,
so much so that David, her son, is only recognizable as "That man".
Dave has 2 sisters,
one who is the immediate care giver
or rather person resposible, because she is in a home.
The pain is still there,
she will be in a better place, no matter what a person believes
and David will have some finality.

strength and weakness

lite and dark,
yound and old,
wise and , well, learning.

This is life,
if we dare.

In our neighborhood,
we have all of us
and we are a community.
While none of us are rich,
we have enough
and so are rich beyond words.

In each of us is the same,
but sometimes we only find this,
we only discover this,
when we connect.
Those who are islands unto themselves,
miss out,
and do not grow and learn.

It is a rule i have for my life,
make community.

work of course, is another tale indeed.

a little liteness

As i struggled today with work,
mistakes evident only to me,
but only because no one else knows or cares...
I had some light hearted face book discussion
with a blogger and food blogger (foodie if you must).
No i will not go there,
my reviews here maybe on the positive and negative of how people handle things,'but rarely a real restaurant review.
Why?
I cook and form those who taste and eat my food (not just the captive audience in my house),
i do a darn good job.
I have a strange background - grew up in Texas with the smoked beef and Tex-Mex food galore,
but it was also the South, so i was very familiar with things like collards and even gumbo.
Some how this adventure of mine awakened a sleeping giant deep down.
I grill and BBQ with the best of them.
Because it was Houston, seafood was plenty,
but then there is more to my heritage because my mom was Greek - and i can put together a mean Baklava at the very least
and mt dad was country French, growing up in Alsace - which has a German flair to it.
I can cook these
and as i said, if you take the word or others first,
I cook well.So if i go to a restaurant, i will compare to what i can do
and most times i am disappointed
because the restaurant must cook a high volume and things do get lost.
And then there is the issue of working at a Health Department for 33 years -
i know way too much.
I know the mistakes that are made and served.And i am an analyst - i can taste them.
So there will be no food/restaurant blog coming here,
instead go to OmNomCT for really good food / restaurant reviews.

Embracing change

Today, at work,
I took numbers and put together an average,
in my head.
This was something that i did all the time in the past,
but the numbers were wrong
and there were consequences.
I was upset,
first with myself,
but then i realized that when i am no longer working there,
no one will do this work and what was wrong will not matter.
That left me with a bitter sweet taste in my mouth,
but the thing that is constant in this life is change
and the biggest changes come not  from around us,
nor from others around us or even those we are close to,
but from those which change us.
I am having trouble with this change in me,
but to embrace change,
inside of us,
that is life.

in the middle of "Stuff" - thinking

it is a hard road we travel.
When do we bend,
when do we stand tall.
Who do we believe,
when our own hearts are damaged.
Is anger love
or is love anger?
When do we find what we need to change?
Do we really want to look...
down that path that hurts so bad?
When do we accept the forgiveness of others?
And when do we begin to forgive ourselves?

All are questions that we all must face...sometimes daily...

salvaging or savaging the garden

This year i planted some yellow tomatoes that i grew from seeds.
I was unaware that they were grape yellow tomatoes
and as a result had a bumper crop.
Now you can only eat so many
and give away so many more
and the remainder were becoming over ripe.
I thought hard and did two things:
First a gazpacho with cucumbers, hot cherry pepper, scallions, plum tomatoes, yellow tomatoes, Arugula, chives and parsley - these were all garden grown.
That is normal and not so creative, but i had a hankering for it.
Then i went wild;
I made a yellow tomato tomato sauce - from scratch
using basil and parsley from the garden.
garlic and ground veal that were not (of course).
Served on Fettachini with shredded cheese and fresh basil and parsley on top.
This was astounding to me.

understanding, but not comprehending

once my life felt as if it were a huge cavern
of some unnamed hunger
that i kept trying to fill.
Deep and all encompassing it was
and in every action,
good or bad,
there was an attempt to fill this yawning yearning deep inside.
Every effort i made failed.
And then ,
in the tragedy (?) of my adventure,
i found it filled,
not by me,
but perhaps by God himself.
I have no other explanation.
No person could fill it
and i tried to get many to do so.
They could not,
the task was too great
and many fled.
Some remained,
not understanding,
but some how attracted to that gaping hole, my pain.
Now it has gone,
tho i did nothing to make it go,
but it is filled.
It seems that the passing of my mother assisted me in this,
I can not explain
nor comprehend what that means.
It seems others come,
marveling at my wisdom (?),
I laugh,
Wisdom?
Pain which heals pain?
I can not understand.
but now,
Now those who were attracted to my pain,
have fled!

Still shaken and a bit stirred up

Not quite the James Bond Martini,
but i woke with all my muscles acing.
Not the ones were there were visible injuries,
but everything else!
With that said, i trudged off to work,
yes, you heard me right,
work.
Why?
This requires some explaining because i did just fall into it,
almost as if by accident,
if i believed in such stuff as accidents anymore.
No this is a civil servant job,
a government job,
the kind everyone is railling against now a days,
but i took it to heart and found that i could acctually make a difference.
I could help people.
Making money was not the issue,
for if i wanted to make money,
i never would have taken this job.
The pay is easily less than 1/4 of what a private sector job would be
and by far more fun, with more variety
and again,
i am able to actually help people.
I got stirred up because there are too many people on the payroll for whom this is just a job,
something to pass the time and collect a pay check.
I actually have a reason to be there.
And off i go to face today's challenges and frustrations and yes, fights.

This will end soon,
then maybe i will live a peacefl life.

Whops!

Today was a descent day all around
Work was not so bad
the Physical Therapist was thinking i should be discharges,
I had lunch with a great co-workers
I cooked my grill ed chicken and beans to perfection
and then...

Yes, a fall,
missing a short step,
falling scraping both knees, one badly,
hitting my elbows
and smashing the Jalapenos i was going to grill.
I do not think i will talk about discharge on Thursday.

A full week

it was a week that was,
it did what i expected,
sapping the life from me,
supressing the side i have come to know as my heart.
It is , in some fashion good,
for my heart does not wish to fight
and this was a week full of battles.
My logical, statistical side
will fight over stupidness
and there was mucg stupidness at work this week.
Thing and requests for which there was no logic.
The actions to try to open a beach that by any point of view, should not be opened to bathing.
Yet the attempt to take time to force this was beyond belief.
The well water pesticide issue comes with a request for more data,
except the person who was hired to do this, had not.
Questions regarding summary results,
that were because a person was trying to understand statistics,
without understand the basic concepts.
Real issues with rabies in a skunk and tests in bats,
occupied my time.
And then there was a state inspection of the lab facilities for our ability to perform tests on shellfish water.
this took time, while all others were yammering.
Another pool closure - a hospital pool,
that i had occurred just before i left for my vacaation,
had to be tested to determine if they had cleared the problem.
It was a flash back for me...
to the time i "died" on the operating table
and found myself in a place of such peace,
that i did not want to leave
and still ache to go back to.
Then to find my self struggling for life and breath in the next instant,
this struggle for life and well being that has continued to this very day.
This week was like that struggle coming from an intense place of peace - except,
in my perception,
it was a struggle because of stupidness,
so i let my intellect take over and fight that battle
with no thought of peace for now.
I took all of this home -
that was not a good sign,
but i do not intend to lay back yet...
my time to leave is coming...
 very,
very soon.

Refresh

As i knew,
the plunge back into work,
has prevented the creative desire to paint.
It is okay,
I am patient
for it is only a few months
and the pictures that i wish to paint,
are strong in my heart.

Ah, the heart,
the reason for my being!

As i watch close friends of mine,
go through tumultuous events,
I think back and
I recognize something.
My Adventure, as i prefer to call it,
removed from me all the things that i thought were important
and left me with the one thing i had minimalized,
my heart.
I see the same occurring in their lives.

Their trials will be over
and if they are willing they will find the one thing most important.

Vacation - Day 3 - Discovery

I was working in a garden,

weeding,

when this process started.

I am unsure why, but i welcome it.

I kinda' knew it,
but it was thrown in my face,
as a postive thing.
My "adventure" has wrought deep changes itn me.
As person who was filled with anger and fear,
in a manner that is typically known as passive agresive,
to normal -
with normal fear,
the kind one can speak out.
and normal anger -
 the kind that may be reasoned with.
From pride,
the kind which makes one arrogant an untouchable -
 to something much softer and more maluable.
I do not have to be right,
but i am also not a worm.
Softening my knowledge with words like "i think" or "maybe" or even "what is your take",
seem to be prevelant now.
Forgiveness is always a start,
not just for others,
but for myself as well.

It is so freeing!

So once again i find myself waiting for more...
with great anticipation

pictures

Still not posting my written notes,
but wish to share the pictures of where i stayed
and it is a place i will be soon enough.

How not to deal with an unhappy customer

a while back i wrote on how someone took a disgruntled customer (me)
and made me do a retract and shout out to a restaurant.
Tonight is the opposite.
It was a simple issue, a pork Souvlaki came out and did not taste "right'.
It did not seem to be all the pieces, but after the first taste, my companion could eat no more.
Now this can happen and not be a restaurant's fault, but a good restaurant will not question an uneaten plate of food, the waiter, who may have been inexperienced did.
I was tired from a long drive and may have been short tempered, but i pulled - "do you want me to take it to my lab tomorrow to test it" on him.
He may have consulted with the manager on duty, but they did not show.
The bill came and there was an attempt to have us pay the entire bill, with the uneaten Souvlaki.
When we questioned this we were told the cook tried this and it was fine.
This is not how you win customers.
The manager never came and i nor anyone i speak to will ever go back to the Athens Pizza & Restaurant in Stamford.

back

I am back, but now picing up all the normal caos a vacation brings.
I will post a couple of things that i wrote (yes i do use pencil and paper!) while away.
But ts time away helped in many, many way - including re-earthing my desire to paint!
I hope i get to it before the daily grind of living wears me down!