Approaching a difficult Subgect.

With my eyes still an issue and having very little energy ...yes, I have been busy around the house, and for some reason less time. But there are good points to all that, I had one of the therapist come by the day before, who had seen me two weeks ago in the hospital and she was amazed at how weel I was doing, so all is not lost, there is hope yet. but I might be pushing my self a bit.
This is an ode for a dear friend, who past the second week I was in the hospital....
I remember him best because he became very closely attached to me and would really follow me every where I was, greeting when I came home late at all times, and never upset except when I left town for some days. He would greet me and then go and show me how much I wasn't missed. but I was. When he was young, he would bring me presents that I was not completely happy with, but that was beside the point, he was my companion and he died at the ripe old age of 18 1/4 or translated into cat years 95. Yes this cat came to me by a coworker who found out that I had lost a white cat some 6 months before. He was a child of a stray with one other sister and no other siblings. He came to the house, terrified and ran down to the basement and it took me some time to coax him out, but after I did he became my friend for life. He also immediately adopted out old cocker spaniel and would litteraly go with the dog when we walked him. When he became sick, the cat would catch a squirrel and give it to the dog. The cat live through 3 other dogs and always liked them.
He was given to me with the undignified name of with boy, I detested it. After observing him in action, he had something regal about him and I named him Senoir, not as a senor, but as the spanish SENIOR! The man and he was. his first "job" was to learn what his territory was and what it was he had to protect and what was fair game. The squirrels that ate my home grown tomatoes were the first thing he learn about and began taking them out and having them for dinner and I got tomatoes. The next was that Davis raised birds, chichen, pigeons and others, they were his, but not for eating, but to protect. When david would let his pigeons out for a short fly, Senoir would go inti the coop and play CLOSED CLAWS WITH THE PIGEONS. tHE PIGEONS NOT ONLY ALLOWED THIS, BUT ENCOUAGED IT. We woud see other neighborhood cats try to get in and get ham strung by senior, but he would allow the other cats to eat from his bowl without a quetion. We got another cat, who was beaeutiful, but lazy, we called hinm oscar and the two would play6 like brothers, show I would take to saying "Chilren, Stop that!"Yes, Senoir might have been my chlid, but I really felt him more as a companoin. He would kneed me when I felt bad, always closed clawed and always on a spot that would hurt or be ailing.
Yes, I have a lot of stories, because for cats,at least, there feels to be a long legacy from one to the next that I have had in my life and I do not understand the contection, but it feels very spiritual, like he was my gardian, and maybe it is the '9 lives' thing. I do not pretend to understand.
One of the things he would not do is allow himself to be taken care of medically by me. Now I could take him to the vet fine, but he would kick and scream when I would give him medicine.
I let him be as natural as I could, meaning he was an indoor outdoor cat, in durinng cold days, out at night. Everyone was worried about him being out, especially at night, but I knew he could take car of himself. Why? I will relate a few stories.
When my vet lamented that he was an outdoor cat, so he wouldn't life past 10, 12 at the most and he talked of cyoties, I had to tell the vet about his freind. As I have said my cat loved dogs and in or nieghborhood, one had a large seamingly visious Rotwielder. I say my cat jump out of the fence one day and figured the dog wasn't in an peaked in back only to be greeted with barking and snarling. I wondered about this. A few day later, I see my cat catch a squirrel and drag it over to that fence, jump the fence and toss the squirrel down. He was sharing his kill with the Rotwielder and the dog would always allow him access to the back yard. I thinkk the cyoties might have other things to worry about than my cat.
I spoke of how the pigeons where 'his to protect, he owned them. One night, I hear something at the coop and say an adolecent racoon. I go inside to get something to chase this thing, just as I get to the door, the darn cat jumped the coon and dropped him to the ground, the coons neck was broken. Of course, I was scared to death because in a fair fight, I am sure the coon would have ended Senoir, but the coon was trying to tear the screen off to get in and was off balance.
Senoirs great love was cleaning the neighborhood of vermin, he and the other one would go to homes where there was a rodent population and in the morning I would find all the rat bodies (not the mice), The largest gift was five bodies.
One neighbor refused to fix a broken window to his basement because in his words "I had a mouse problem before your cat would get in there.
When Senior was 16, our neighbor had a young pit bull (2 years), well the dog became enamoured with our dog and one day got out. Our front gate was open and the dog charged up to the front steps to see if Jake 'our dog' was in, except that there was Senior sunning him self in the way. The first time the dog was greeted with a spit. The dog backed down. The second time he seemed to gather his courage and rush the porch only to be greeted with a spitting and a raised back.
Now I am looking at thins in amazement because the dog was 4 times the size of the cat. The dog gathered him self up one more time and charged, the cat simply swated him on the nose and the dog ran home. Amazing to me.

The funniest thing was how he would catch and eat squirrel, the squirrel would come down the post the heckle the cat and the cat would jump over them and scare them to the ground and then they were dispatch quickly. (This I saw)
I had some clue of the number of squirrel because al that would be left was the tail, everything else was eated or given as a gift.
SO my long friend of 18 and 1/4 years left me while I was in the hospital, August 16th, 2008.
I was fully expecting it, because he was ailing and I was tod he went into the basement and I new he had returned to his birthplace. I still cried, but I only have fond memories. Here are some pictures.


















I had to add one more picture, even though it is not a good one, it shows his normal greeting of the dogs we owned, rubbing against them.

Energy

Or Rather the like there in. I don't have it. I walk down a stairs and around back and I get back up stairs, I am exhausted. I trim some grass and pick 2 of 7 tomatos, I must sit down. At this point I feel clumbsy on my feet, but I must puch myself, cause that is the only way to get better. I actually am doing the excersizes the therapist gave me to do, but I still am tired. I could not keep going without the people in my household, but sometimes they are too helpful, I need to do things on my own.
I had a wonderful treat last night, one of the people from work, who is a massage therapist in her own country came over and help my mom. Her kindness was eveident, she brought her to youngest, extremely well behaved children, who happen to love our dog. We invited her dinner and it wasn't my best, it was okay. Then we gave her a ride home, she had walk from her place. Her kindness will not be forgotten. And the eneergy of her visit lasted. Do I have another angel looking after me???
I felt that it was a repayment of my many kindnesses, cause there have been many people I have tried to help in any way I could.
Again I am thankful for all these kind people in my life.

Home Now

So I have been hone since tuesday -2 whole days and some.
I have been doing a lot walking all over a bit of weeding and cooking twice.. for everyone in the house.
Then the physical therapist came yesterday.
I thought I was doing a lot..I was more than when in the hospital, even with the PT.
Well she had me walk down our small street down a another street (which is downhill) and of course back again.. I was tired mid way on my street back, but she didn't stop there, no then she had me go up and down all three stairs in our house. So last night I slept.
Now one thing she said that actually cheered me, because I have had such a hard time getting into things at home, too tired, too weak. She said people lose their strength after 3 days in bed rest, I was out 6 weeks, I guess I should be thankful I can do as much as I can.
The same questions about the eyes and the prism glasses..the same answer, the eyes are vacillating to much ( as is the swelling in the back of my head) and time they would be good would be very short. Sometimes there are times when I can see single vision for 4 feet, then it deteriorates, but change is good.
All in all it is good to be home.

I am actually home now!

ast night I got 9 hours of uninterrupted sleep and then added 2 and 1/2 more. I kept my self very busy with lots of breaks, out in the garden, did a little cooking, but not too much more. Today, I challenged my self to go down the basement stairs and I did so well, I did it several times.
My vision is wild, in the morning when first waking, my hands were clear with no patch at arms length. They quickly went to the normal double a about 9 inches.
Yesterday I did not wear the eye patch, today I did. cause without it tires me out a lot.
I also get to cook tonight!
We will see!

Strangely sensitive

Well the hours are ticking away and the Hospital is trying to curb some of my joy by saying I will be restricted to the house for a while. In a word, no. But I will not be driving or anything like that and I will mostly stick to home, but I will be much more active than I have been here. Do not expect daily posts.
My main Doctor came by, like he has been doing on a very regular basis and made sure I was comfortable being released, the only one who did ask. Dr. Bhalodiya has been one doctor who I have been very comfortable with. He has a very current knowledge of what is going on and shares completely. He is upbeat, but mostly because he sees huge advances in medicine and he very aware of a lot of it. When I ask a question, he either has an answer or gets back to me. I am never stuck figuring out why by myself, which appears to be the current philosophy in a lot of doctors.
He is also very proactive and sometimes I don't like it, but it has helped.
This is the only recommendation of a doctor I will ever make, but it is my experience and it has been a good one. (Okay, I lied, I make another in the future).

In the hospital:
One of the strange side effects of this operation is I seem to be more emotional. Now is that temporary due to the swelling in the back of my head or a permanent condition. I do not know, I just know that I have watched several feeling good moves that made me cry and one very sad one that had me in tears. I always had some of that, but not anywhere near what I have ben experiencing. We will see.

Selfish actions

One of my saving graces here has been that Stamford Hospital gives patients a laptop to use during the day. They take them back at night to recharge and to keep inventory.
I have been using it for I think 25 days and it has helped me a great deal.
Now there has been a down side to this because some people decide to 'play' with the computers and ruin them for other people. The sad part is I have been working with computers since 1968 and have probably forgotten more computer langauges than a lot of people know and besides vista, know most operating system (including linux and apple). In that I won't call myself an expert, I am just comfortable with computers. I know a thousand ways of finding the tricks that were used to ruin these computers and I am not going to try to hack a computer that is not mine to fix stupid people's actions. There are people paid to do that and I will not mess things up worse by messing with their system. I missed posting yesterday because of one of those computers, most times they are able to get a new one, but if they are all out, I am out of luck and that was yesterday. People try to over rule the sytems and customize these and ruin them for others. I do all that I want at home, on my own computer. I do work related stuff at work and minimal customization for the computers I use at work. I do not usurp the system in place at work because.
That is my tirad

Still working on me.

I had to delete something in my last post because I was complaining and it is someting I am trying to rid myself of. Afer more than 5 weeks in the hospital, not really complaining about much of anything, you would have thought I would have learned that lesson, but there is more to go.

For me at least I have all the Doctoers and therapist on the same page, that the problems I am still experiencing are really due to the sweeling that still exists in my head. The fluid is slowly going down and some days it does not seem measurable, but the double vision and the lack of balance are due to fluid still pressing on my brain and that is due to the surgery. The swallowing difficulties are also due to swelling still in my neck and throat, and that may also be due to the surgerythe lack of answers consti because most of the damage due to the reintibation is gone.
If you guys think there is a lot of self diagnosis going on, you are correct, I have come up with most of this with the doctors and therapist agreeing after. I am not sure if this inspires confidence for answers, bit I will say that thier methods to reach the goal was the most important and they all did that very well.
So when I go out of here I will be a slightly active person, cause I will work in my garden and will lumber around my house with out any mechanical or personal assistance. When I go out into the real world, I will probably use a cane untill all the swelling is gone, as much to tell other people that I am not quite stable on my feet as to keep my self balanced in a crowd.
So I guess, watch out!

My God, I really might be gettin' outtta here!

Friday, my last Friday! Yes, you heard me and there are actually some improvements in my eyesight My glass which seemed to be used for far away things appears to be used for reading agin (like they were a year ago). The Double vision still ranks me as disabled and I patch one eye to use the computer (with my now useful glasses)!
I am excited, I will have been here 39 days on Tuesday. I will have used 29 sick days ( I had 148?) and gained 2 more and will not be able to go back to work for a whille still.
I am axious to be able to go back to the garden again ( no one in the house is a gardener, but they try).
I can walk, slooowly, without any help or aid, but in the hospital they always want me to use a walker or have someone with me (of course).
The Therapy people have been working muscles that either I didn'y know I had or hadn't used much or had let slack during this long stay. They have been relentless and I am very happy for it.


My statement of the day, some people say I am too nice... they may be correct. Niceness can come from fear or it can come from strength.
After years of working on the weakness which most of the time manifested in uncomforatable explosions...those have mostly vanished.
I do believe most of my niceness comes from my strength of conviction now. I can be firm when I need answers, but I do not need to be mean, I can still be nice and thank a person for what they are able to give me.
I do not need to be an Oak tree, I can be a Willow, firmly rooted and able to with stand storms and trouble, but also very flexable. That is a goal, but I am becoming that.
I think that those who are always firm, might actually get blown down in a storm. A very old anoalogy. And my correllary is that they might miss something really important or nice for thier like by being so inflexable.

So it was for one friend, who seemed to be there, but got lost in the mist of this. I feel bad for her.

Again thanks for all who read this and all who responded, it was invaluable.

Philosophy

During this really strange time for me, I have been posting for to reasons;
1) to get my head together and 2) to make a record for me to see what did happen.
I am glad so many have kept up with this saga...but I know many of you would skim over the parts where I got 'spiritual' and I actually understand it. I will never try to make anyone believe what I believe, that just isn't right. What I believe and live with is for me and no one else.
As an example, one of the disabled people in my house is a professed athiest and has no trouble living with us, cause he is acepted as he is. With that, he doesn't try to change our beliefs either and our discussions become facinating. In our small community, there are many different beliefs, but one basic philosophy, we are strong enough in what we believe that we don't have to try to convince anyone we are 'right' and as a simple statement, we do not believe anyone has all the truth and that 'truth' can be found with anyone at any time.
Some of this comes about because of a simple discussion with my mother, who was reflecting on when I was on the fringes of the fundamentalist in college and she thought I felt closer to God then. My simple statement was "no, I was too arrogent then cause I really pushed my dad away with my strongness". I know the emotionalism was nice, but it was no indication of closeness and I know I am much firmer and much closer (If one can be) now.

One the other hand, the doctor was firm that he believes the double vision is primarily because there is still swelling at the surgery site and when that goes away, the sight will return to single vision.
Since I believe in all kinds of healing (including Doctors), I really am going to trust that this is true and I think I see improvement, but it is difficult to tell minute by munite, day by day.

Reflections and thankfulness

After everything, I stepped back again to see exactly what has been happening. It is sometimes neccissary many times because, my metal health is not always good.

1) If I hadn't had the surgery, I would have been dead or seriously disabled very shortly.
It is gone
2) the surgery has had two very interesting results, my blood pressure is now normal and I lost
20 pounds. (my doctor thinks it was the tumor, not the weight loss that changed the blood
presure and I will acept his idea for now)
3) The hospital stay has monitered my blood sugar like never before and basically, I found any
oriblems very simply controled -1 pill a day
4) My disabling headaches are gone - they were so severe that for 20 seconds, I couldn't open
my eyes and they might have killed me before the tumor.
5) The surgery did not affect my cognitive ability, nor my sence of humor.
6) The whole incident has given me a better emotional and spiritual perspective on things annd
let me not try to control so much.
7) also let me be more thankful for what I have ( I guess that is both spiritual and emotional)


The downside has been my eyes and everyone keeps tells me that will change soon...
But besides driving a car and working, a patch seems to let me read some cause I am getting along very well, walking and doing things without aid.

All in all, it has been positive, but I am waiting fir still more, so the story is not finished

okay the test results are in

and they show significant improvement even from last week. The only area we don't see an improvement is in the actual eyesight/double vision.
But ny compensation for it in being able to walk and do things has improved geatly. I walked with out a mechanical aid todya(yes, some one was watching out for me).
The therapist challange me and I challege my self and things do change.

A long time ago I spent two months in Va Beach snd loved it, after my Dad died, I spent some time getting my mom back there so she could be with her family and in a comfortable invironment and with her family (who are to numerous to count).
That is my future location, when Stamford finally lets me go, we all have a place to be together, and besides my mom's place, I have a place to be.
The area has a lot more people than Stamford and yet I have witnessed acts of kindness and courtsey that I have never seen in Stamford.
An example - a series of heay traffic mergers where everyone alternated so there was an even traffic flow and it was not because there was a cop or even traffic signs to suggest it, it just happened.
Yes, sometimes people do stupid things and there are accidents, but it is more becuase people are doing stupid things, rather than the blatant aggression that I see in Stamford.
People not only walk in the cross walks provided, but cars stop for them! Unheard of in Stamford.
Virginia Beach is a new city, incorporated after WWII, yet they seem to have found themselves and are comfortable with it, yet I know they go through adjustments on a regular basis.

Maybe Stamford needs a little more time to become well adjusted.

I must be getting better

After so much time, yes it feels that things are better. Questions I had about some results have been explained by my regular Doctor, not the ones in the Hospital (Ihate " I don't know" to my questions, especially when there is not an offer to find out). I have been shown where my eyes are actally improving (certain crazy pattern tests) and now they are finally talking of taking off the antibiotics I have been on and testing to see their effectiveness(they can't test while I am on the antibiotic). So things are looking better, thank God and everyone else also.

Stamford vs Connecticut

I just finished watching one of my favorite 'feel-good' movies , when fools rush in. Part of the reason it is a favorite is because they tipify CT people with money. This has been done many times before, including with 'Guess who's coming to dinner' from a long time ago.
The typification tho I think remains somewhat accurate: a little ecsentric, a bit self centered, a little out of touch, a lot stiff, but friendly, okay, a lot out of touch and self centered, and always trying to be nice and accepting and never quite making it because of the other issues. To me Stamford has been trying to break out of the mold for at least 30 years, but has kept the bad qualities and lost the quaint, positive qualities. So when people talk about Stamford and its problems, it kinda roasts at the heart. It wants to be New York, and that would br positive, I think, but hasn't quite gotten there and with a lot of people fighting that path, I think it has taken on bad qualities. So let us become a little New York, really. It is either that or go back to the sleepy little town it was 30 years ago either one would be better than its current place.

Funny, I almost never watch TV when I am home, now I get to see all the crazy different movies I never did before, example Dirt Harry, yea, I am a bit behind times.

Mean while, my room did not leak last night, like others on my floor, I slept well and I saw a little improvement in my vision this morning.

Thankful again

After a rough couple of days, I have gotten to the placeof being thankful, again.
It took my closest people in my life to help me out of my hole, but I am out.
Everyone who has seen me ober time if it is two weeks - wow you are looking so much better; a week, wow, you are looking so much better, 2 days, do you realize how much better you look?
This completely consistant across the board and, who see things moment by moment am not always adle to see there changes, except when I look back.
The most dramatic has been eating and the level that I can eat from even 2 days ago and now csn get into other parts of themenu that I couldn't even attempt before.
The other is my cough, and breathing which is definately improved.
The answers I don't have have to do with my hemaglobin, which is low and have never experienced that before and that does take energy. And of course my eye sight which appears stationary except that the positioning of the eyes is improving regularly and that might explain the whole thing since then my brain has to adjust to those changes.
Any way the important thing is the attitude and that will help in the recovery.

For all those who have responded, thank you. It means a great deal that you even read this long disertation...maybe soo, I'll write some more boring environmental stuff or give the health department a kick in the pants.

A step back but not backwards

Sometimrs it takes some one else to be in your life to let you see things as they should be.
In my life, I have a number of those p,eople, the people in my community and household, my mom, my girl friend, but there is one, who I sometimes feel my not be human, cause she seems more like a guardian angel than anything.
I met Margarita when she became the first clerical person in the lab, she was (and still is) happily married and had one child ( she now has 3). She was born 10 years after me, exactly, her mother was born 10 years after my mother, she came to Stamford from another country like I did ( well Texas is another country, really) The same year that I did. We visited the smae places, but never met before (and it is a good thing, cause I like her husband). To me, it seems like we are in parallel lives never quite intersecting. She advances to better positions and moved out of the lab, but we still take our morning break and will call each other in times of trouble. O f course, this caused the imature ( a lot of them) at the Government center to speculate, but it was emotional and spiritual, never anything else. She actually understood the manner that I live, because with her and her husbands family, they also form a spiritual community bound in this case by marrage. So there is alot of understanding.
Last night she stop by for just a moment, and gave her best wishes and prsyers and then said, you are going to be better. it was so authoritive, I think I cried for 30 minutes, cause it made me very happy.

The reality, as bad as my eyesight is, it is not the eyes that are damaged, it is the part of the brain that interprets thingss that has presure on it andis slowly recovering. No I can't always tell, it is slow and sometimes I have to be reminded to have hope, no it is more than just hope and I really don'y know what to call it, because it is a certainty that things will get better.

So, I stepped back to look and things do look better.

A special thanks to my gardian angel for that.

frustration anxious

Yea I started the day realizing I am frighten concerning the status of my eyesight. Things seem to change, but hten they don't and it has me worried. Without my eye sight I can not work, I ca not drive and I can not read and the last bothers me the most. Just talking about it and realizing it has helped. To go around with one eye patched is my current only answer to seeing double. That is not an answer to drive or to work. Do I really know what will happen? No, I do not and the chances that this will fix itself really exists, but the time it has taken, has also taken its toll on me and I am not so upbeat. This is where I am today.
I have been working at calming my self, which is no easy feat. I have been more jumpy yesterday and this morning, but have managed to use the many trick available to me from tea kwon do, meditating, some Budist sitting, prayer to at least calm that. Everything is naturally work, I do not believe in a 'magic' God, but I do believe in miracals, just we don't recognize a lot of them.
Any way more tomorrow or later.

My swalowing has been doing better and today they put me to a test to prove it so I can eat still more and less processed foods ( it was mashed or pureed or finely chopped) This had been tough, but it was not a serious issue, but a slightly discouraging thing - remember this happen because of complications during surgery, So what does it mean - gives me a boost emotionally. The othesr thing they have been pushing for 2 days has been expanding my lung use - also something that happened during the surgery - my lungs filled with water and they had to intubate me (?) And now they are pushing the nevelope on this. All good.

No more about my times in Stamford, I prety much have brought you the long journey through these blogs and exactly what I think of these people who now 'rule' Stamford. It does not mean ther are no good people, ther are lots of them' but they do not call the shots any more. When Stamford was the sleepy town that I first came to, things were beging to change-that was 1977, but most of these pople , the blue collar people and their children, were nice and you could get to know them. The journey that Stamfoird has taken to be a city has been a rough one and the first thing to go was niceness and that was replaced by an extreme selfishness. When it does become a city, every thing will be evened out because you will have room for everyone and ther will be selfish people and nice people and oblivious people, but it will be all mixed up and not one will dominate. That is my tiraid about Stamford.

Reflections

I have been very intense in the struggle of survival the last several weeks, working at physical recovery while I blog about who I am, spiritually, emotional, how my past lead me to little old Stamford and my struggles here.

The eye sight is still a mess tho improved. the ability to swallow food is really much improved and the pneumonia seems to be vanishing, balance and walking are improved, but I still need a walker to keep me on my feet.
When I first came here I was almost in a dreamland and at that time I was only working on me. and I am back to looking inside. See I can be very controlling and in some ways that is good - while here I have let thated part good, things happen at home and I am unfazed, I actually do not want to control anything. There was a short temptation to take things back, but I will not. People will fit or not into my life and it is better if I am surprised b that. I will not be forcing things.
The other part of me is very very impulsive, this will take more work and as I work with physical therapy, I can see how much I want how quickly and it just doesn't work that way. I have to slow down or I will fall on my face. Yes I can stand without support. but I need something near by to grab when I lose my energy. I want to run uo the stairs, but I have to walk slowly.

Back to Stamford, my involvement with the mentally disabled has always been positive even when things did not go that well, I could always learn and respect that they were trying to the best of their ability. These are people do not understand because they are different and don't always look so 'normal' and I relate to that. I also can relate to the working poor who are so plentiful in Stamford, that most of us don't even see as people passing us by. Theyexist and are mostly mistreated by all of us and some times even the rukes design to protect them.
Stamford is a very selfish city and one day when it grows up, there will room and acknowledgment for all these people.
Meanwhile at night I would continue to work with Scott, One of his companies was providing first class music for hotels and restaurant around the nation. He works closely with a restaurant group out of Greenwich called CB5.
He provides the DJ music to most of the clubs in the area including the GRAND, Twenty, the Dragonfly, Barcelona, Baang and many more out of the area. It is fun going to his special events and helping lug his stuff and dancing to his music.
I also am one of his IT people and things can be fun as well.

so maybe I know a little about Stamford, its nightlife and some of the drama that goes on in the restaurants. I do have some fun.

An d soon slowly, I will get back to it.

more tomorrow.

Improvement

Today has been a good day. Tho my eye sight seemed to take a slight step backwards from my view, apparently this is only an adjustment to the physical adjustments that are bringing my eyes alighnment to normal.
they took me off the IV antibiotic, and gave me permission to use my .walker unassisted in my room. Both of these item are huge. I walk an entire hallway using a cane. This was also huge. My eating has been better, but still has problems, there are improvements that I can see over time, but not day by day.

Afte St. Lukes the ones of us who stayed together still did things for the mentelly disabled population through Frank at family centers.
I also got a chance to hang even more with Franks' son because he was into music. He had a band called Rubin Kinkad and played sometimes in the hallway of the shoppes of olde main street under the mall particularly for park row grill.
Lots of fun. Scott also beceme a DJ and start working at willow street in Post Chester and Mirible in Stamford (long torn down, but on park place and used to be a comedy club) and the Art Bar also on Park Place ( now the spanish club). Stamford was not a happening place, but it was improving and was somewhat 80's in the downtown, but very limited.
I enjoyed haging out with him., helping lug his equipment and dancing to the music.
The one thing about Stamford and its restaurant and night life - it all ways changes and I WOULD SAY IT IS BECAUSE EVERY ONE WANTS TO BE ENTERTAINED and are very fickle.
What works today will not work tommorrow and that is really what Stamford is.
Somewhere in this time I lost my best friend, who was Frank's Father and 84 at the time. He died exactly yhe way he wanted to.. we were on vacation in Virginia, we had a seafood dinner together and the next morning I had to take him to the hospital cause he wasn't breathing right
He didn't want to go, but I took him anyway, and just 2 days later, he died.
He had wanted to be away fom his family, doing something fun with his best friend and he wanted it to be quick. He got all his wishes.
I only hope to be that clear and that fortnate when it is my time.

I do know I did not use any vacation time for many months.
Scott continue his sucesses and had several billboard top dance tunes with his remixes, then he went in to Raves.
He was firm his parties would be 'striaght edge' mean drug use was not tolerated.
The first party we through was in Norwalk at the Globe theater and we confiscanted 3 boxes of drugs because no one believed we would really be straight edge. I was working with forensics at the time and had them destroyed though our own police. Everyone was also surprised, they had fun even without the drugs and the party was monetrially succesful for us.
We ran a monthly party for some time before expanding. As a DJ, scott was in demand from Florida to England, but he stuck to places he could drive to. He ran parties from upstate .NY to Massachussetts to NJ.
He ran a massive party in Mass. wher we spent $120,000 on the event and lost $40,000 mostly because our compitision did not care to be staight edge or abour saftey ran 8 parties around us.
We were not going to compromise our standards and we could boast that in evrything we did no one ever was hurt at the event.
We ended our shows. Scott continued to DJ but was pursuing other thing which were more sophisticated.
I enjoyed all my time with him all while doing my thing at the Health Depatment and having at least one mentally disable person living with me. And I also started to go back to a church any church, especially a stuggling eposcopal chuch in North Stamford with a gay priest.

I am ready to go now

Yesterday I had the most energy since being here - I am ready to go.
I can't see right yet, but it is better everyday.
I still am not swallowing properly, but also is normalizing, but I don't know if I could control what I ate yet, so maybe a few more days.
I still get a fever, but I am not finished with the IV antibiotics, Okay so we let them finish.
he worst/best thing is last night and today I have been coughing up stuff. It hurts, but it really is a positive.
I still can't walk without a walker, but I coud do that on my own without help, just need the walker at first.
I had so little energy before that none of these thoughts were possible, falling asleep midsentence.

one thing to remember about St. Lukes is that there was only a core of 12 people running the programs, the priest from the 3 churches were not involve that way and the people of the neighborhood were involved in the places of their interest(no fault there, just reality) And the volunteers coming in from other chuches came at their convience (If there was a heavy snow on a thursday, that dinner woulf not arrive), And other volenteers came at a whim and when they realized that it was really work, many left.
We were there 7 years and the episcopal church decided it needed clergy to take over and we were asked to leave and we did.
They changed the name to St Lukes Community services, got lots of paid staff, left at 5, shut the neighborhood programs down and not only did not talk about us laying any kind of foundation, they denied we were ever there.
We all were hurt and bitter at first, but we let it go and that took time, we each greived in our own way, we did not work down their for us.
My self I usually stuff anger down and blow up at the wrong people at some time, I think I mostly just stuffed it down and nevef wanted to see the inside of a church again.
Most of the core people in the community stayed as a community, tho some went ther own way which was good for all of us.
Frank went to Family Centers to work with housing for mentally disable people. I continued working with the state mental heath association one might a week and of course the health department.
My parents came to visit. And I got to show them CT, then they moved to colorado after my dad retired.

all in all today feels like a good day.

So I guess the reallity is, I am anxious, I have been here too long and remember much to little of it. Sometimes it seems like a dream, somethings it just is not there. I wnat to go home to my garden and family and pets. i gave it all up for this time, now it is coming soon to have it back. But tonight I am getting really tired again and sleep will come quickly, before 9.

Good night all