I have 2 favorite TV shows, Bones and NCIS. Tonight, Booth ends one episode with surgery with the same kind of tumor i had. The location was different (or they did not say the location), but what ashock for me.
Wow.
No more to be said
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Fall coming
Although the day was tough, I decided to do the 5 word challenge Scarlet gave me, tomorrow is my day off so I will take the day off.
Stay to the end because my own ramblings are there.
Challenge - Yes everyday is a challenge in many, many ways. My own recovery is only a small portion of challenge, because I challenge myself to more than just survive. I hope in some small was I can help someone in some way every day. That is a challenge. Will I succeed? That is the question. Work is a challenge, living is a challenge. Taking my next step with out falling is a challenge.
Vision - I laughed at this one, because one one naturally assume I would talk about my eyesight, but vision to me is so much more. It is a perception on how we look at living, at how we approach a task and how we approach a problem. It is seeing the detail and the whole and seeing how things fit. Some times it is applied in even how I cook.
Spirit - The surprising one. I think of my own spirit and how it keeps me going, even when I am down. I think of others and their spirit and attitude and how they encourage me. I think of Gods spirit, which I believe is sustaining me day by day.
Power - I never feel I have power, and yet I know I do. To live through the challenges that are given to me on a daily basis. I do not want the other kind, the one which has "power" over other people. That is useless to me. The power to help others, that takes determination. Maybe I have some of that.
Solitude- Only a few word for that.
I sit on my bed at night,
I look to the stars.
I am alone, in solitude yet,
never alone,
always with a multitude.
Thank you Scarlet for these words.
For those of you who think I always cook "good", I will share a couple of downers with you.
The first was a leg of lamb - The seasonings were mint (lots form the garden), garlic, lemon juice and sweet vermouth. The flavors were wonderful, but the day was rainy and warm and so I did not want to turn on the oven. I had wanted to roast this lamb on a grill, but the rain prevented that and plus I did not know when I was going to be called in, so I went with a slow cooker.
The problem was that the slow cooker drys out meat like lamb, even if it is covered it liquid. It was tasty, but not my expectation.
The other was hamburgers which I was going to do something special with, but just punted and again did them inside on the stove top. Nothing special, oh well...
But tonight - I am doing my special version of potato and leek soup. Butter, diced potatoes to brown, leeks, white wine, salt, course ground black pepper and cream. My special additions? Minced and whole baby calms , red sweet peppers and fresh parsley.
Coming home it felt like fall, it was a hard day. My vision was spinning every time I moved and was having lots of trouble making out the differences between numbers.
The felling of fall lifted my spirit with the wind blowing. I saw a flock of pigeons flying in the wind and I felt i was seeing swirling leaves in the air. The breeze was strong with a hint of rain coming and cold weather. I do not like cold, but have always liked fall.
This was good.
Stay to the end because my own ramblings are there.
Challenge - Yes everyday is a challenge in many, many ways. My own recovery is only a small portion of challenge, because I challenge myself to more than just survive. I hope in some small was I can help someone in some way every day. That is a challenge. Will I succeed? That is the question. Work is a challenge, living is a challenge. Taking my next step with out falling is a challenge.
Vision - I laughed at this one, because one one naturally assume I would talk about my eyesight, but vision to me is so much more. It is a perception on how we look at living, at how we approach a task and how we approach a problem. It is seeing the detail and the whole and seeing how things fit. Some times it is applied in even how I cook.
Spirit - The surprising one. I think of my own spirit and how it keeps me going, even when I am down. I think of others and their spirit and attitude and how they encourage me. I think of Gods spirit, which I believe is sustaining me day by day.
Power - I never feel I have power, and yet I know I do. To live through the challenges that are given to me on a daily basis. I do not want the other kind, the one which has "power" over other people. That is useless to me. The power to help others, that takes determination. Maybe I have some of that.
Solitude- Only a few word for that.
I sit on my bed at night,
I look to the stars.
I am alone, in solitude yet,
never alone,
always with a multitude.
Thank you Scarlet for these words.
For those of you who think I always cook "good", I will share a couple of downers with you.
The first was a leg of lamb - The seasonings were mint (lots form the garden), garlic, lemon juice and sweet vermouth. The flavors were wonderful, but the day was rainy and warm and so I did not want to turn on the oven. I had wanted to roast this lamb on a grill, but the rain prevented that and plus I did not know when I was going to be called in, so I went with a slow cooker.
The problem was that the slow cooker drys out meat like lamb, even if it is covered it liquid. It was tasty, but not my expectation.
The other was hamburgers which I was going to do something special with, but just punted and again did them inside on the stove top. Nothing special, oh well...
But tonight - I am doing my special version of potato and leek soup. Butter, diced potatoes to brown, leeks, white wine, salt, course ground black pepper and cream. My special additions? Minced and whole baby calms , red sweet peppers and fresh parsley.
Coming home it felt like fall, it was a hard day. My vision was spinning every time I moved and was having lots of trouble making out the differences between numbers.
The felling of fall lifted my spirit with the wind blowing. I saw a flock of pigeons flying in the wind and I felt i was seeing swirling leaves in the air. The breeze was strong with a hint of rain coming and cold weather. I do not like cold, but have always liked fall.
This was good.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Distractions from a day
Outside, the neighborhood children are playing football.
The ages range from 9 to the mid-teens.
They play well together.
They all play, they all get a chance.
It is in our very non-busy street, so it is touch football, but they play hard.
It is wonderful to watch.
To me this is what inter mural sports does not give, a sense of neighborhood.
They are all colors and shapes and sizes.
It is so much better than what I experienced at work today.
My dreams have been more interesting, lighter, significantly more spiritual.
I am tired.
They had in the paper how the city employees are working over time to test houses in the Scofield area. They did not mention me and i am glad. I do not want notoriety, i want the job done, and done thoroughly.
My boss was out today and we got much awaited results.
I felt like I was screaming, but I was not.
I had to push to get things processed and delivered.
I have to talk to the state lab often when my boss is out, so my time is not spent on analysis.
I know what I would feel like if my house were in the area.
Okay, maybe i would not be as concerned, because i think my exposure as a chemist to nasty chemicals has been significantly more than all those people combined, but i have empathy for what they are feeling and want results back as soon as possible and then processed quickly. I do not think others have that same sense of urgency, but i may be mistaken.
I think there will be one or two more weeks of working both days of the weekend and then it should slow down.
My advice to people seeking water tests have changed, there is more empathy and understanding. Some homes were built on undeveloped land and so they have little to worry about, many were built on old farms and those are the ones that concerns me, but that is work and it has enveloped my brain much of the time.
I was very tired at work. When I came home my nap was complete and I woke refreshed. Then I saw the football game on the street and a smile came to my face.
That was good.
The ages range from 9 to the mid-teens.
They play well together.
They all play, they all get a chance.
It is in our very non-busy street, so it is touch football, but they play hard.
It is wonderful to watch.
To me this is what inter mural sports does not give, a sense of neighborhood.
They are all colors and shapes and sizes.
It is so much better than what I experienced at work today.
My dreams have been more interesting, lighter, significantly more spiritual.
I am tired.
They had in the paper how the city employees are working over time to test houses in the Scofield area. They did not mention me and i am glad. I do not want notoriety, i want the job done, and done thoroughly.
My boss was out today and we got much awaited results.
I felt like I was screaming, but I was not.
I had to push to get things processed and delivered.
I have to talk to the state lab often when my boss is out, so my time is not spent on analysis.
I know what I would feel like if my house were in the area.
Okay, maybe i would not be as concerned, because i think my exposure as a chemist to nasty chemicals has been significantly more than all those people combined, but i have empathy for what they are feeling and want results back as soon as possible and then processed quickly. I do not think others have that same sense of urgency, but i may be mistaken.
I think there will be one or two more weeks of working both days of the weekend and then it should slow down.
My advice to people seeking water tests have changed, there is more empathy and understanding. Some homes were built on undeveloped land and so they have little to worry about, many were built on old farms and those are the ones that concerns me, but that is work and it has enveloped my brain much of the time.
I was very tired at work. When I came home my nap was complete and I woke refreshed. Then I saw the football game on the street and a smile came to my face.
That was good.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Thoughts of violence, murder and mayham
With the struggles going on, my mindsome time glitches to dreams/daydreams of violence.
I am not alarmed, it shows what is in me.
In that knowledge, I am given power to not be those things.
Some where its says to bring all things to the light and they will become light.
I do not run and hide and think i am evil for having those thoughts, but i embrace them as part of me and then they become powerless. That was a great lesson learned many years ago as I struggled with the angers inside of me.
The one dram was of killing the people who robbed my recently widowed neighbor of her butternut squash. The other was fighting a perceived bully(adult) of one of the neighborhood children.
If you think about it, those thoughts are very justified in those situations, but i do know another way and so can follow it.
There are times, like yesterdays post, i do feel overwhelmed, the pain of being seems to swallow me.
It is funny. but some words from one of the "Star Trek" movies always comes back to be, ""I want my pain, I need my pain. It defines who I am."
And so the strength so many people see comes directly from my pain, that I embrace and do not run away from.
Along the way i find people who emphasize with me and understand my struggles and it gives me strength.
I find people with their own struggles and pain and they give me strength.
Our pain and struggles and pain are part of the human condition, the love and support we give to each other is devine.
I am not alarmed, it shows what is in me.
In that knowledge, I am given power to not be those things.
Some where its says to bring all things to the light and they will become light.
I do not run and hide and think i am evil for having those thoughts, but i embrace them as part of me and then they become powerless. That was a great lesson learned many years ago as I struggled with the angers inside of me.
The one dram was of killing the people who robbed my recently widowed neighbor of her butternut squash. The other was fighting a perceived bully(adult) of one of the neighborhood children.
If you think about it, those thoughts are very justified in those situations, but i do know another way and so can follow it.
There are times, like yesterdays post, i do feel overwhelmed, the pain of being seems to swallow me.
It is funny. but some words from one of the "Star Trek" movies always comes back to be, ""I want my pain, I need my pain. It defines who I am."
And so the strength so many people see comes directly from my pain, that I embrace and do not run away from.
Along the way i find people who emphasize with me and understand my struggles and it gives me strength.
I find people with their own struggles and pain and they give me strength.
Our pain and struggles and pain are part of the human condition, the love and support we give to each other is devine.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
It has been a year
Everyday is a struggle.
Everyday is a fight.
Everyday is hard.
I struggle with vision,
that even with prisms,
splits and wobbles.
I struggle to stand and walk. everyday.
To make my body do what my mind wants.
even tho the path is distorted and muddles.
Everyday, not some day, not most days,
Everyday.
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
I am not sure, but I think I can almost related to those of you with MS, whose body will not obey the mind. Who watch their muscle deteriorate through a cause they can not control.
Me? I simply have too much information coming in, my mind is not still able to deal with it and it gets confused. while typing letters are switched, keys are missed, doubles of the same letter are moved to the next.
Writing becomes more interesting with 9s becoming 4s and vice a versa. 5s becoming 8 and the reverse.
It has been a year since I came out of the Hospital and I wonder how long I can keep this up.
Sometimes I lose it, get angry, upset and want to give up, but yes I am a fighter, I do not.
Everyday is a fight.
Everyday is hard.
I struggle with vision,
that even with prisms,
splits and wobbles.
I struggle to stand and walk. everyday.
To make my body do what my mind wants.
even tho the path is distorted and muddles.
Everyday, not some day, not most days,
Everyday.
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
I am not sure, but I think I can almost related to those of you with MS, whose body will not obey the mind. Who watch their muscle deteriorate through a cause they can not control.
Me? I simply have too much information coming in, my mind is not still able to deal with it and it gets confused. while typing letters are switched, keys are missed, doubles of the same letter are moved to the next.
Writing becomes more interesting with 9s becoming 4s and vice a versa. 5s becoming 8 and the reverse.
It has been a year since I came out of the Hospital and I wonder how long I can keep this up.
Sometimes I lose it, get angry, upset and want to give up, but yes I am a fighter, I do not.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Back to basics
Woke this morning with words in my heart,
a song on my lips.
I was unsure if the day would erase them,
some maybe, but not all.
The love that carried me through the operation and
the long recovery, still going on,
That is the basic.
Not a warm fuzzy feeling, but the bold statement,
"You will get better, you have to!"
The tone still reverberates through my mind,
echoing in my soul.
The basic thing that all of us thrive on...
Love.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
They honored my very dear friend Margarita today as being the employee of the month for October.
That was a celebration for one of the seven close friends who have stood with me for the past many years and this past long one.
It was wonderful and my eyes were misty, tho I think of all the people crowded around, only she really understood.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Last night, I made something, I would call masterful.
It was served with chicken breast.
It was a hot salsa, but one only the truly brave could enjoy.
I had company over and they did enjoy.
The Salsa:
5 Jalapeno peppers - from my 3 year old pepper plant that i have "overwintered" 2 winters now.
6 mild green and red peppers (I would have used red bell for sweetness, but did not have any).
Sea Salt - maybe a 1/4 teaspoon.
1 cup lime juice.
1 cup tequila.
grind in a blender so that the chucks are small, but not gone.
Freeze.
Serve (it comes out as a frozen slurry).
Watch out!
The chicken was more interesting, since i was on a tequila kick. I marinaded it in tequila and Dos equis beer, cumin (I did not have cilantro), salt and chili powder fro 6 hours.
Did a quick fry with onions and corn oil,
Added the marinade and reduced it.
I thought the chicken was over cooked, but it was still moist!
Sliced the chicken before serving and added the sauce.
Very good!
The salsa was a "side", so those who did not want hot, did not have to have it.
Served with Saffron rice made with chicken broth.
None left today.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
The other night I watch the movie on Georgia O'Keeffe, I was intrigued.
The most interesting thing was that she painted until her death at 98 (in1986) and that set me off to look and see the works she had done when she was basically blind.
It inspired me.
I have always liked her work, but did not know much of her life.
She grew up in Texas (like me, no I am not making similarities with her art, she was amazing).
She can to the New York Area and she loved Taos New Mexico.
having visited Taos, i can understand. the place is beautiful.
a song on my lips.
I was unsure if the day would erase them,
some maybe, but not all.
The love that carried me through the operation and
the long recovery, still going on,
That is the basic.
Not a warm fuzzy feeling, but the bold statement,
"You will get better, you have to!"
The tone still reverberates through my mind,
echoing in my soul.
The basic thing that all of us thrive on...
Love.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
They honored my very dear friend Margarita today as being the employee of the month for October.
That was a celebration for one of the seven close friends who have stood with me for the past many years and this past long one.
It was wonderful and my eyes were misty, tho I think of all the people crowded around, only she really understood.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Last night, I made something, I would call masterful.
It was served with chicken breast.
It was a hot salsa, but one only the truly brave could enjoy.
I had company over and they did enjoy.
The Salsa:
5 Jalapeno peppers - from my 3 year old pepper plant that i have "overwintered" 2 winters now.
6 mild green and red peppers (I would have used red bell for sweetness, but did not have any).
Sea Salt - maybe a 1/4 teaspoon.
1 cup lime juice.
1 cup tequila.
grind in a blender so that the chucks are small, but not gone.
Freeze.
Serve (it comes out as a frozen slurry).
Watch out!
The chicken was more interesting, since i was on a tequila kick. I marinaded it in tequila and Dos equis beer, cumin (I did not have cilantro), salt and chili powder fro 6 hours.
Did a quick fry with onions and corn oil,
Added the marinade and reduced it.
I thought the chicken was over cooked, but it was still moist!
Sliced the chicken before serving and added the sauce.
Very good!
The salsa was a "side", so those who did not want hot, did not have to have it.
Served with Saffron rice made with chicken broth.
None left today.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
The other night I watch the movie on Georgia O'Keeffe, I was intrigued.
The most interesting thing was that she painted until her death at 98 (in1986) and that set me off to look and see the works she had done when she was basically blind.
It inspired me.
I have always liked her work, but did not know much of her life.
She grew up in Texas (like me, no I am not making similarities with her art, she was amazing).
She can to the New York Area and she loved Taos New Mexico.
having visited Taos, i can understand. the place is beautiful.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
In the midst of trouble there is always cooking
Something that keeps my mind together when there is unsettleness is cooking. If I am really gone, I do not cook.
I was fairly bad for awhile, but then started with a series of "experiments".
It became cooler and my mind goes to Greek Chicken.
Greek chicken is done many ways, I was taught to slow cook a chicken in red wine, onions, carrots, garlic (lots of garlic), fennel seed, oregano and salt. After 3 or 4 hours, it falls off the bone.
I decided to go the next step and remove the chicken and let it cool (add broth so it doesn't dry out. I cooked Orzo (rosmarina to my mom) in the broth and then removed the bones. Then just before serving, i threw it in the oven to broil and crisp up. A good time was had by all.
Not to me out done by cherie and her friends, I made my own chili beans (they called it Picadillo).
I soaked red dried beans over night, drained the water then added chopped onion, celery, peppers (hot and sweet). Spices were chili powder, salt and cumin. Diced tomatoes and a beer added juice to slow cook (this is what cool weather does to me, the crock pot). Since I was using a zucchini stuffed with ground turkey, the inside of the zucchini went into the pot as well.
My final straw was fried sausage. Still on a kick. I took fennel seeds ( I have many in the garden just bursting with flavor) and fried them with butter and sliced mushrooms. Added peppers and onions, red wine and leek leaf. Fried the sausage till browned and then added them to the mixture. i did have fun.
I am not fast enough with a camera to deal with pictures of my food before eating, oh well.
I was fairly bad for awhile, but then started with a series of "experiments".
It became cooler and my mind goes to Greek Chicken.
Greek chicken is done many ways, I was taught to slow cook a chicken in red wine, onions, carrots, garlic (lots of garlic), fennel seed, oregano and salt. After 3 or 4 hours, it falls off the bone.
I decided to go the next step and remove the chicken and let it cool (add broth so it doesn't dry out. I cooked Orzo (rosmarina to my mom) in the broth and then removed the bones. Then just before serving, i threw it in the oven to broil and crisp up. A good time was had by all.
Not to me out done by cherie and her friends, I made my own chili beans (they called it Picadillo).
I soaked red dried beans over night, drained the water then added chopped onion, celery, peppers (hot and sweet). Spices were chili powder, salt and cumin. Diced tomatoes and a beer added juice to slow cook (this is what cool weather does to me, the crock pot). Since I was using a zucchini stuffed with ground turkey, the inside of the zucchini went into the pot as well.
My final straw was fried sausage. Still on a kick. I took fennel seeds ( I have many in the garden just bursting with flavor) and fried them with butter and sliced mushrooms. Added peppers and onions, red wine and leek leaf. Fried the sausage till browned and then added them to the mixture. i did have fun.
I am not fast enough with a camera to deal with pictures of my food before eating, oh well.
Celebration of life
Today was a really difficult day, meetings were had, my boss got exasperated with me, and my eyes were hurting.
Sounds like a strange way to start with such a title, but it is all in the perception.
One of my closest friends, who has been working as the administrative assistant to the appointed official who has supported and actual done a great deal to help the people out that we are dealing with (is there a coincidence there?), will be honored next month as employee of the month.
My boss my slowly be understanding just how difficult it is for me to do my job.
My other good friend at work, who is the Reiki master, came by looking to see how I was doing and spent a few minutes with me and lifted my spirits. This was all good.
I was thinking that of all the things I do in my life, I am glad for one more opportunity to do some good. That is also a celebration.
I have been thinking of what a "psychic" (the one who told me about the tumor without me saying anything) told me, that there was one more thing i had to accomplish at the Health Department before leaving. I wonder....
Today is also my "Friday" since I am taking off tomorrow. It does not matter what the weather is (they call for rain), it will be good.
Whatever comes, i can say that no matter how difficult things get, I have another day in the celebration of my life, be tired, discouraged, exasperated, angry or happy. I had another day.
Sounds like a strange way to start with such a title, but it is all in the perception.
One of my closest friends, who has been working as the administrative assistant to the appointed official who has supported and actual done a great deal to help the people out that we are dealing with (is there a coincidence there?), will be honored next month as employee of the month.
My boss my slowly be understanding just how difficult it is for me to do my job.
My other good friend at work, who is the Reiki master, came by looking to see how I was doing and spent a few minutes with me and lifted my spirits. This was all good.
I was thinking that of all the things I do in my life, I am glad for one more opportunity to do some good. That is also a celebration.
I have been thinking of what a "psychic" (the one who told me about the tumor without me saying anything) told me, that there was one more thing i had to accomplish at the Health Department before leaving. I wonder....
Today is also my "Friday" since I am taking off tomorrow. It does not matter what the weather is (they call for rain), it will be good.
Whatever comes, i can say that no matter how difficult things get, I have another day in the celebration of my life, be tired, discouraged, exasperated, angry or happy. I had another day.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Mercy Street
That song by Peter Gabriel has been running through my head, it kninda fits, getting off working 4 hours for each day, Saturday and Sunday. Today was actually more difficult because there are constant phone ca;;s, people wanting information. I was rereading the initial analysis from the EPA group that did a very limited study of the problem and they blame the dump, at least partially. I wonder if they had been thorough if they would have reached the same conclusion.
More review of my data and ensuring what I have put in is correct. I start to get a bit impatient with the people collecting the samples because they do it only on weekends and continue their normal work (which i do the analytical support for) during the week. People call wondering why the info lines on the beaches (the season closed Labor day) has not been updated. People asking why the shellfish beds have not had the water tested (maybe cause it does not matter since the FDA said meat samples have to be taken before the beds can be opened). Life goes on and it is enough for me to keep busy anyway and then i am still dealing with the Scofield thing. I have ticks to start up in a few weeks (the final hurrah before winter) and then there are swimming pools (yes, from of all places the new Trump parc building with one tenant who wants the pool opened),
My boss looked at me today and asked if the weekend work was too much for me, i do not think he quite understands yet.
I see my GP on Thursday and start the discussion about disability, that should be interesting.
The song still goes through my head and for what ever reason, i am at peace.
More review of my data and ensuring what I have put in is correct. I start to get a bit impatient with the people collecting the samples because they do it only on weekends and continue their normal work (which i do the analytical support for) during the week. People call wondering why the info lines on the beaches (the season closed Labor day) has not been updated. People asking why the shellfish beds have not had the water tested (maybe cause it does not matter since the FDA said meat samples have to be taken before the beds can be opened). Life goes on and it is enough for me to keep busy anyway and then i am still dealing with the Scofield thing. I have ticks to start up in a few weeks (the final hurrah before winter) and then there are swimming pools (yes, from of all places the new Trump parc building with one tenant who wants the pool opened),
My boss looked at me today and asked if the weekend work was too much for me, i do not think he quite understands yet.
I see my GP on Thursday and start the discussion about disability, that should be interesting.
The song still goes through my head and for what ever reason, i am at peace.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Intuition jumps and peace
During this current battle, i purposely suppressed a lot of things, my muse, my creativity and a lot of the way I have started to look at the world (which finds a lot of beauty).
This helped me survive the onslaught as i put my head down and pushed through the crowd of craziness.
The point is i survived and all those things did not leave, they just hung on for the ride.
It seems I am able to write again and am starting to respond to others blogs. There is a lot going on in many peoples lives, here in Blog land.
I would ask all of you to visit Barry and give support.
Clarity in Muddy waters is also dealing with a great many things.
And Sweet Mango has suffered a loss.
I would much rather post joyous news than others difficulties, this world is what is is and we make the best of it with what we have.
While I come back on my Saturday and Sunday work time completely exhausted, it seems that I am recovering faster (30 minutes vs 2 hours).
For years I tried to master blood pressure control (mentally), but the physical aspects of what can be controlled have more to do with weight than mind However, when it comes to stress and the pressures of the battle, that is a different story.
You can calm your mind and lower that portion.
I have my "meditation" music on 24/7. This is just a collection of various quiet music, much by Nicholas Gun and Alice Gomez (Native American based) and then many, many others.
That helped, but there are times you just have to stop your mind from going off and that is what i did.
During the heat of all of this my blood pressure went to a very bad 160/110. I stopped calmed my self and brought it down within minutes to 110/73. I have continued this and it has brought it down to a really low 93/44, that is when i reduce the blood pressure medication. I see my doctor on Thursday.
This also did not help me in my work. Since calming down, my finding entry mistakes in the database has been good and I am approaching things in a more methodical manner.
A quick aside, in 7th grade, I was taught algebra, which came naturally to me, so much so that I would play chess with myself and not pay attention to the problem on the board. the teacher at first would call on me and I would look up and give the correct answer. She would ask how i got that and I would tell her it was obvious and then give the "proof". That infuriated her, but there was nothing to do, I knew it.
I do that with most problems, i see the answer and most of the times the work after will show that i am correct (but not always). It is the flurry of finding the information that proves or disproves my intuitive leap that caused most of this.
Everything is as clear as it could be to me, but not to everyone else.
No, I do not try to manipulate the information, I try to get the truth from the information and I try to gather as much of it as possible.
It seems i am past that and what i need to do is set up for the people who follow me to find the information on the rest of the problems.
This helped me survive the onslaught as i put my head down and pushed through the crowd of craziness.
The point is i survived and all those things did not leave, they just hung on for the ride.
It seems I am able to write again and am starting to respond to others blogs. There is a lot going on in many peoples lives, here in Blog land.
I would ask all of you to visit Barry and give support.
Clarity in Muddy waters is also dealing with a great many things.
And Sweet Mango has suffered a loss.
I would much rather post joyous news than others difficulties, this world is what is is and we make the best of it with what we have.
While I come back on my Saturday and Sunday work time completely exhausted, it seems that I am recovering faster (30 minutes vs 2 hours).
For years I tried to master blood pressure control (mentally), but the physical aspects of what can be controlled have more to do with weight than mind However, when it comes to stress and the pressures of the battle, that is a different story.
You can calm your mind and lower that portion.
I have my "meditation" music on 24/7. This is just a collection of various quiet music, much by Nicholas Gun and Alice Gomez (Native American based) and then many, many others.
That helped, but there are times you just have to stop your mind from going off and that is what i did.
During the heat of all of this my blood pressure went to a very bad 160/110. I stopped calmed my self and brought it down within minutes to 110/73. I have continued this and it has brought it down to a really low 93/44, that is when i reduce the blood pressure medication. I see my doctor on Thursday.
This also did not help me in my work. Since calming down, my finding entry mistakes in the database has been good and I am approaching things in a more methodical manner.
A quick aside, in 7th grade, I was taught algebra, which came naturally to me, so much so that I would play chess with myself and not pay attention to the problem on the board. the teacher at first would call on me and I would look up and give the correct answer. She would ask how i got that and I would tell her it was obvious and then give the "proof". That infuriated her, but there was nothing to do, I knew it.
I do that with most problems, i see the answer and most of the times the work after will show that i am correct (but not always). It is the flurry of finding the information that proves or disproves my intuitive leap that caused most of this.
Everything is as clear as it could be to me, but not to everyone else.
No, I do not try to manipulate the information, I try to get the truth from the information and I try to gather as much of it as possible.
It seems i am past that and what i need to do is set up for the people who follow me to find the information on the rest of the problems.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Battle lines
Before I stop, a description of what i saw as the "battle lines " is in order.
There was the paper - which was screaming about a cover up (remember, I did not get the report till after they wrote something).
Then there were many of the "appointed officials", some were clueless or uninterested, but there was one who was willing to learn. He asked me to draw up an initial survey plan, I did.
There were the inspectors of the Health Department who were a mixed bag,. One or two were interested, most just appeared to me that it was an interruption to their daily routine. They basically responded to whoever pushed their buttons (the robot thing).
Then there was the public, also a mixed bag. Many were frightened, with good cause. Few could see beyond that (understandably). Some believed it was a big government conspiracy.
This i laugh at because while government is slow and lazy and hard to move into action and there are a few corrupt individuals, corruption and cover-up are not a normal course of action. Ignorance is a bigger issue.
My boss, the lab director, was on my side and was trying to get things done correctly, even though it was very difficult for the two of us.
The breakthrough came from the one appointed official who wanted to learn. He and his assistant (my very good friend), created lots of work for me and kept guiding the path of the investigation (many times taking from what i talked about).
His resolve to get a plan of action together and to make sure that all the information was out in the open brought most of the people in the directly affected area to a sense of relief or at least a feeling that there would be an end.
Others not directly in the area are still concerned, but that issue will be a post for Joey K on the Environment at some later time.
The final line were the politicians, who were somewhat laughable, one state representative in particular who made claim to all the actions my boss had taken to expedite results. They never learn.
The crisis is passing, but a foundation of more work needs to be done.
I will give my input, but others will do that work.
There was the paper - which was screaming about a cover up (remember, I did not get the report till after they wrote something).
Then there were many of the "appointed officials", some were clueless or uninterested, but there was one who was willing to learn. He asked me to draw up an initial survey plan, I did.
There were the inspectors of the Health Department who were a mixed bag,. One or two were interested, most just appeared to me that it was an interruption to their daily routine. They basically responded to whoever pushed their buttons (the robot thing).
Then there was the public, also a mixed bag. Many were frightened, with good cause. Few could see beyond that (understandably). Some believed it was a big government conspiracy.
This i laugh at because while government is slow and lazy and hard to move into action and there are a few corrupt individuals, corruption and cover-up are not a normal course of action. Ignorance is a bigger issue.
My boss, the lab director, was on my side and was trying to get things done correctly, even though it was very difficult for the two of us.
The breakthrough came from the one appointed official who wanted to learn. He and his assistant (my very good friend), created lots of work for me and kept guiding the path of the investigation (many times taking from what i talked about).
His resolve to get a plan of action together and to make sure that all the information was out in the open brought most of the people in the directly affected area to a sense of relief or at least a feeling that there would be an end.
Others not directly in the area are still concerned, but that issue will be a post for Joey K on the Environment at some later time.
The final line were the politicians, who were somewhat laughable, one state representative in particular who made claim to all the actions my boss had taken to expedite results. They never learn.
The crisis is passing, but a foundation of more work needs to be done.
I will give my input, but others will do that work.
Friday, September 18, 2009
There is still a lot going on
I do not have time to go a read, I want to, but I am just too involved because it involves peoples lives. I have to see this to an end.
While I proclaim and try to live something akin to a pacifist, everything inside of me is a fighter.
When I see a problem that may effect 500 or more peoples lives, I start shouting.
The pacifist is only me trying to direct and control the fighter inside.
Growing up I was a very quiet person and very shy.
Some where in adolescence, some of that broke.
A bully a school tried to intimidate me and I would not fight back in school. He stopped at a neighbors house one weekend and I went over and settled it. While I did not "win", I also did not lose and no bully ever bothered me again.
My aggression had an outlet in sand lot football. I had 3 nicknames, one was "Hippo" because I was a bit chunky, the other was "Rhino" because if I had the ball, I would lower my head and charge and no one wanted to try to stop me.
The last year of high school (I was 16), the captain of the football team started picking on a neighborhood kid who was in 5th grade, I got mad and he went inside crying.
I am not proud of these things except I did help the little guy.
My rage was with me as i became an adult and busted some walls (didn't hurt people) and took the tea Kwon do to try to control that.
Like when the cleaning person was in trouble because people who should have known, did not do their job, I stepped in and she saw what it was like to have me fight for something.
The situation that came up was one I had been expecting for some time.
There is a lot more to this iceberg than anyone sees and the ones who think they see have no idea.
That will be a subject on Joey K on the Environment after this is finished.
I have had to fight fear and laziness and apathy and stupidity, but the first part of this battle is won.
My work is not over.
See it is not a job when it is for greater good, it is much more than that.
What has it meant?
I have had to come in weekends.
I have had to go to night meetings.
The phone were constant.
I have had to go to day meetings.
I have had more work than I could have possibly imagined.
My boss is busy trying to do the communication with other departments.
My coworker is staying far away from it.
My blood pressure went up, but I figured that and brought it down so much I had to reduce my medications for it.
My eyesight which had been getting worse because of the stress, has returned to a normal "bad" state, not degrading as they had been.
There was an edge in me, dealing with this, that i do not like and that is why I stopped for awhile.
It is not over, but at least a pivotal point has been reached.
Thank all of you for your concern, I need to see this to the end.
I will write on occasions until this is finished and I think it will be another 5 to 6 weeks.
Then I will have all the information I need for myself and will be actively seeking disability retirement, and they can do what they want, i will not be part of it any more.
While I proclaim and try to live something akin to a pacifist, everything inside of me is a fighter.
When I see a problem that may effect 500 or more peoples lives, I start shouting.
The pacifist is only me trying to direct and control the fighter inside.
Growing up I was a very quiet person and very shy.
Some where in adolescence, some of that broke.
A bully a school tried to intimidate me and I would not fight back in school. He stopped at a neighbors house one weekend and I went over and settled it. While I did not "win", I also did not lose and no bully ever bothered me again.
My aggression had an outlet in sand lot football. I had 3 nicknames, one was "Hippo" because I was a bit chunky, the other was "Rhino" because if I had the ball, I would lower my head and charge and no one wanted to try to stop me.
The last year of high school (I was 16), the captain of the football team started picking on a neighborhood kid who was in 5th grade, I got mad and he went inside crying.
I am not proud of these things except I did help the little guy.
My rage was with me as i became an adult and busted some walls (didn't hurt people) and took the tea Kwon do to try to control that.
Like when the cleaning person was in trouble because people who should have known, did not do their job, I stepped in and she saw what it was like to have me fight for something.
The situation that came up was one I had been expecting for some time.
There is a lot more to this iceberg than anyone sees and the ones who think they see have no idea.
That will be a subject on Joey K on the Environment after this is finished.
I have had to fight fear and laziness and apathy and stupidity, but the first part of this battle is won.
My work is not over.
See it is not a job when it is for greater good, it is much more than that.
What has it meant?
I have had to come in weekends.
I have had to go to night meetings.
The phone were constant.
I have had to go to day meetings.
I have had more work than I could have possibly imagined.
My boss is busy trying to do the communication with other departments.
My coworker is staying far away from it.
My blood pressure went up, but I figured that and brought it down so much I had to reduce my medications for it.
My eyesight which had been getting worse because of the stress, has returned to a normal "bad" state, not degrading as they had been.
There was an edge in me, dealing with this, that i do not like and that is why I stopped for awhile.
It is not over, but at least a pivotal point has been reached.
Thank all of you for your concern, I need to see this to the end.
I will write on occasions until this is finished and I think it will be another 5 to 6 weeks.
Then I will have all the information I need for myself and will be actively seeking disability retirement, and they can do what they want, i will not be part of it any more.
Friday, September 11, 2009
yuck
Don't expect much for a few weeks, if today is any indication, things are just going to get worse for a few weeks.
The problem is there are a few of places not tested yet that I expect to come back positive, there are many more that i expect to be negative. but I am not please with how the sampling is done. I think it drags the problem out.
it causes me stress.
I have to go to a night meeting on Tuesday. My boss told me to take the day off.
My coworker is also off.
The public has been basically very good to me and so the meeting should not go bad.
I will take off Wednesday also. I can not afford not to.
People who work around me still can not understand that i am not full time yet, that is their problem now.
If I am busy with work and they come in, I tell them come back later. Some get offended with that, to bad. They have to learn to deal.
I think I sound cynical, but I am in survival mode and just need to get through the next few weeks.
I will be posting sparingly in the next weeks and reading everyone else even more sparingly, sorry. Your columns give me a great lift, but i got to do what I can.
The problem is there are a few of places not tested yet that I expect to come back positive, there are many more that i expect to be negative. but I am not please with how the sampling is done. I think it drags the problem out.
it causes me stress.
I have to go to a night meeting on Tuesday. My boss told me to take the day off.
My coworker is also off.
The public has been basically very good to me and so the meeting should not go bad.
I will take off Wednesday also. I can not afford not to.
People who work around me still can not understand that i am not full time yet, that is their problem now.
If I am busy with work and they come in, I tell them come back later. Some get offended with that, to bad. They have to learn to deal.
I think I sound cynical, but I am in survival mode and just need to get through the next few weeks.
I will be posting sparingly in the next weeks and reading everyone else even more sparingly, sorry. Your columns give me a great lift, but i got to do what I can.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Recovery ... Delayed
Why?
The short answer is because i am back to work.
The long answer is that because i am the one with the chemical/environmental background and there is no one else, the public and the city officials are heavily dependent on me.
This is not a good thing.
And Grant knows it well, but they are calling me in for weekends.
The short answer is the Scofieldtown dump.
The long answer is that the environmental health director refuses to do sampling during the work days and so it must be done on weekends.
My part? I have to ensure that samples are collected and kept properly before they are sent to the state lab.
And there are certain tests that are done before hand to ensure that.
I also set up the first level of sampling, but further sampling is being directed by the office of operations now.
Then there is the paperwork that must be filled out for each sample and the I record everything in the labs database.
That is all on the days the sampling occurs. A few other things I can do a few days after, mostly for my understanding of the soil and how things track, but they are not critical either.
The tests are titrations and tax my eyes significantly, so the few hours I spent were me out significantly.
Why do I do this? Because there really is a health issue and there is no one else to do it.
I consider it extremely important for the residents in that area to have this info and so I will delay things for a bit.
Anyone from Stamford want to know what a crazy chemist recovering from this brain tumor operation with "Diplopia" has to sacrifice in order to ensure your well being? It is all here.
This is a new twist to my adventure and today, I took off so I can have a day to relax my eyes.
I will continue to do this until the sampling is over.
The short answer is because i am back to work.
The long answer is that because i am the one with the chemical/environmental background and there is no one else, the public and the city officials are heavily dependent on me.
This is not a good thing.
And Grant knows it well, but they are calling me in for weekends.
The short answer is the Scofieldtown dump.
The long answer is that the environmental health director refuses to do sampling during the work days and so it must be done on weekends.
My part? I have to ensure that samples are collected and kept properly before they are sent to the state lab.
And there are certain tests that are done before hand to ensure that.
I also set up the first level of sampling, but further sampling is being directed by the office of operations now.
Then there is the paperwork that must be filled out for each sample and the I record everything in the labs database.
That is all on the days the sampling occurs. A few other things I can do a few days after, mostly for my understanding of the soil and how things track, but they are not critical either.
The tests are titrations and tax my eyes significantly, so the few hours I spent were me out significantly.
Why do I do this? Because there really is a health issue and there is no one else to do it.
I consider it extremely important for the residents in that area to have this info and so I will delay things for a bit.
Anyone from Stamford want to know what a crazy chemist recovering from this brain tumor operation with "Diplopia" has to sacrifice in order to ensure your well being? It is all here.
This is a new twist to my adventure and today, I took off so I can have a day to relax my eyes.
I will continue to do this until the sampling is over.
Monday, September 7, 2009
The Community of St Luke
This is going to take a while to post, but i was reminded of an article in the Episcopal Churches monthly newsletter "Good News", which extolled the virtues of priest who did basically a hostile take over of a ministry in a poor section of Stamford, the South End.
Extolling his virtues was not the problem, saying that nothing was occurring before he took over was the issue and so here is the full story.
I came up to Stamford with a family of 3 and German and someone else from Houston.
The husband of the family (Frank) had been invited up by one of the local Episcopal Churches to try to teach some of the things he learned in Houston, basically a Christian community.
That did not exactly work out, but 2 years later, he and the rest of us received another invite from the Episcopal Church, a last chance effort to do something with a small chapel in a very poor and decaying area of Stamford called the South End.
We had met another family and the other gentleman who came up from Houston, found his riches and moved on. Frank had also met Penny, who I was immediately enamored with and she with what a community life was about (it is basically sharing and letting what one person is good at, do it for the others, but that is simplistic. you can think of it as a lay monastic life without the vows).
So we took what was a mostly abandoned building with a rented chapel and began first cleaning it.
The build, being abandoned, was used as a shooting gallery by junkies.
My most memorable moment was cleaning up the rubbish with Frank's 10 year old son, shoveling it into large garbage cans.
We got a grant (Frank was real good at that sort of thing) to create a 9 room housing shelter (there were none at the time in Stamford) and contractors were hired to create the rooms and all.
The chapel was rented out to a couple of local ethnic churches, who would meet on Sunday afternoons. A large gym, with rolling floor boards (because of steam pipe leaks) was rented to a Tea Kwon Do school.
There was a summer camp, that was considered the worst in Stamford and we inherited that.
I and several others moved into the building and the neighborhood and because we lived there, the neighbors began to acknowledge us.
we started a Food Coop and I would go down to Hunts Point to pick up produce every Friday morning at about 3 and be back in time for work.
My memory of that place is wonderful , partially because we would stop by Valencia's backery for coffee and a turnover on the way back.
But there were also some special times, Hunts point was thought of as Mafia run or at least controlled. We would go down, first with a rented truck, then with a donated Van with St Luke's emblem painted on it. The rough workers there treated us with a lot of respect and once when wanting to buy a case of vegetables, one of the told us that that was the quality we should buy, it would be picked up Bonjourno's market later and the case we were to buy was much better quality, but our price was lower still. that was just some of the unusual "miracles"
that would follow us.
We started getting donations and would sell them at a small price.
We sold things not to make money, but to give people respect. It is funny how that works, but it does.
The neighborhood became an integral part of the work that was going on there with many, many volunteers.
We had no food program, but served about 10,000 meals a year.
We started a tutoring program.
The summer camp became respectable and there was even respect of the "gangs" in the poorer areas. They would not let anyone bother us.
We were there 7 years and even started some group housing for the chronically mentally ill (who were being let out of the hospitals at that time).
After 7 years, the Episcopal Church decided that clergy needed to run it; particularly, Reverend Schster and we were basically asked to leave.
The ministry was not “Struggling” as the newsletter put it, but flourishing and growing, despite the lack of funds from the Episcopal Church.
Many area churches and members volunteered to make the things that happened down there dynamic, to say the least.
Although we had grown, the whole thing was a great strain and a lot of work for all of us and in one since, we were glad to go.
The other part that we knew would happen is that the neighborhood was once again excluded and all of the neighborhood programs were eliminated, including the non-existent feeding program.
They kept the housing shelter and paid their people well (we had a budget of $50,000 from the church).
That was sad.
Extolling his virtues was not the problem, saying that nothing was occurring before he took over was the issue and so here is the full story.
I came up to Stamford with a family of 3 and German and someone else from Houston.
The husband of the family (Frank) had been invited up by one of the local Episcopal Churches to try to teach some of the things he learned in Houston, basically a Christian community.
That did not exactly work out, but 2 years later, he and the rest of us received another invite from the Episcopal Church, a last chance effort to do something with a small chapel in a very poor and decaying area of Stamford called the South End.
We had met another family and the other gentleman who came up from Houston, found his riches and moved on. Frank had also met Penny, who I was immediately enamored with and she with what a community life was about (it is basically sharing and letting what one person is good at, do it for the others, but that is simplistic. you can think of it as a lay monastic life without the vows).
So we took what was a mostly abandoned building with a rented chapel and began first cleaning it.
The build, being abandoned, was used as a shooting gallery by junkies.
My most memorable moment was cleaning up the rubbish with Frank's 10 year old son, shoveling it into large garbage cans.
We got a grant (Frank was real good at that sort of thing) to create a 9 room housing shelter (there were none at the time in Stamford) and contractors were hired to create the rooms and all.
The chapel was rented out to a couple of local ethnic churches, who would meet on Sunday afternoons. A large gym, with rolling floor boards (because of steam pipe leaks) was rented to a Tea Kwon Do school.
There was a summer camp, that was considered the worst in Stamford and we inherited that.
I and several others moved into the building and the neighborhood and because we lived there, the neighbors began to acknowledge us.
we started a Food Coop and I would go down to Hunts Point to pick up produce every Friday morning at about 3 and be back in time for work.
My memory of that place is wonderful , partially because we would stop by Valencia's backery for coffee and a turnover on the way back.
But there were also some special times, Hunts point was thought of as Mafia run or at least controlled. We would go down, first with a rented truck, then with a donated Van with St Luke's emblem painted on it. The rough workers there treated us with a lot of respect and once when wanting to buy a case of vegetables, one of the told us that that was the quality we should buy, it would be picked up Bonjourno's market later and the case we were to buy was much better quality, but our price was lower still. that was just some of the unusual "miracles"
that would follow us.
We started getting donations and would sell them at a small price.
We sold things not to make money, but to give people respect. It is funny how that works, but it does.
The neighborhood became an integral part of the work that was going on there with many, many volunteers.
We had no food program, but served about 10,000 meals a year.
We started a tutoring program.
The summer camp became respectable and there was even respect of the "gangs" in the poorer areas. They would not let anyone bother us.
We were there 7 years and even started some group housing for the chronically mentally ill (who were being let out of the hospitals at that time).
After 7 years, the Episcopal Church decided that clergy needed to run it; particularly, Reverend Schster and we were basically asked to leave.
The ministry was not “Struggling” as the newsletter put it, but flourishing and growing, despite the lack of funds from the Episcopal Church.
Many area churches and members volunteered to make the things that happened down there dynamic, to say the least.
Although we had grown, the whole thing was a great strain and a lot of work for all of us and in one since, we were glad to go.
The other part that we knew would happen is that the neighborhood was once again excluded and all of the neighborhood programs were eliminated, including the non-existent feeding program.
They kept the housing shelter and paid their people well (we had a budget of $50,000 from the church).
That was sad.
Labor day cookout
We had the 2 members of the community up from Virginia for this weekend, so of course I got to celebrate by cooking a BBQ.
I know it was a bit cool, but that made it even more important.
I keep wanting all of to get down there and I know it will happen, just as i know that there will be a time that my double vision will become single again.
There are advantages to the current economic problems, Iceland did not buy up the Maine lobsters, so they are at a very reduced price and so that was on the menu.
I wanted scallops for some time and they also happened to be on sale - lucky me.
Cherry tomatoes and then onions.
Store bought zucchini and then a nice eggplant from the garden.
These were cut in half, soaked with olive oil and garlic and salt and put on the grill.
Corn was also on sale.
The corn i buttered first with a mint butter (melt butter with mint, then strain), the grilled with the husks on (should have soaked the husks, but forgot so they caught fire).
I set up skewers with onions, tomatoes and scallops.
The scallops I had marinated in a butter and orange juice (the orange flavor was lost).
For one person who was a shellfish allergy, I pulled out the last 2 pieces of beef tenderloin that I had made something like 4 meals already out of and marinated that in burgundy wine, cayenne pepper and a bit of brown sugar. The cayenne got lost, but showed up when i cooked the mushrooms with the marinate.
I cooked everything not seafood first, so there would be no chance of anaphylaxis (she has had that before).
The peppers from my garden (Hot and sweet)
The last of the lettuce, started a salad.
That was followed with scallion and chives and basil and parsley ( all from the garden).
Finishing with 2 beautiful large tomatoes from the garden.
What a feast!
There were 7 of us and there are left overs to nibble on.
To all the new followers, thank you for stopping by.
My life has been, well, interesting since the operation and any chance I get to celebrate, i do.
This was a great celebration.
I know it was a bit cool, but that made it even more important.
I keep wanting all of to get down there and I know it will happen, just as i know that there will be a time that my double vision will become single again.
There are advantages to the current economic problems, Iceland did not buy up the Maine lobsters, so they are at a very reduced price and so that was on the menu.
I wanted scallops for some time and they also happened to be on sale - lucky me.
Cherry tomatoes and then onions.
Store bought zucchini and then a nice eggplant from the garden.
These were cut in half, soaked with olive oil and garlic and salt and put on the grill.
Corn was also on sale.
The corn i buttered first with a mint butter (melt butter with mint, then strain), the grilled with the husks on (should have soaked the husks, but forgot so they caught fire).
I set up skewers with onions, tomatoes and scallops.
The scallops I had marinated in a butter and orange juice (the orange flavor was lost).
For one person who was a shellfish allergy, I pulled out the last 2 pieces of beef tenderloin that I had made something like 4 meals already out of and marinated that in burgundy wine, cayenne pepper and a bit of brown sugar. The cayenne got lost, but showed up when i cooked the mushrooms with the marinate.
I cooked everything not seafood first, so there would be no chance of anaphylaxis (she has had that before).
The peppers from my garden (Hot and sweet)
The last of the lettuce, started a salad.
That was followed with scallion and chives and basil and parsley ( all from the garden).
Finishing with 2 beautiful large tomatoes from the garden.
What a feast!
There were 7 of us and there are left overs to nibble on.
To all the new followers, thank you for stopping by.
My life has been, well, interesting since the operation and any chance I get to celebrate, i do.
This was a great celebration.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
The beginning of the end of summer
It is the beginning of September,
it always becomes cool and you know summer is over.
The flowers still bloom, the vegetables still come,
But there is a finality it all these things.
Soon, the colors will come,
screaming their, reds and yellows and oranges.
The green will be gone and stillness will come.
But there will be an Indian summer yet!
it always becomes cool and you know summer is over.
The flowers still bloom, the vegetables still come,
But there is a finality it all these things.
Soon, the colors will come,
screaming their, reds and yellows and oranges.
The green will be gone and stillness will come.
But there will be an Indian summer yet!
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Saturday Morning Reflections
I am up early - come what, 7 ish, sitting on the porch. It is quite.
I have to go in at some point to work.
No one else in the lab knows what to do with these samples, or has an interest.
A bird with lots of yellow on it flits among the flowers, I think it is an oriole.
Another, with just a touch of yellow on his breast, flits among the branches of the shrubs, it is a warbler.
There is a child laughing in one of the houses, i reflect.
The children of this neighborhood, play very well together, even the one who has "issues" (his mother and father are in jail and he stays with with grandmother).
They all seem to like me, for what ever reason.
Every so often, friends of the neighborhood children come over and there is a polarization and the "difficult" child is an outcast. I do not like these other children.
They do not come around often, so most of the time all the children play well with each other.
Last night I challenged myself, I went with friends to the St. Leo church fair.
There are a lot of people who go. It is the most well attended church fair in the area.
I have not been in that level of crowds since the operation.
I did fine and ate raw oysters (yes, I know all about them and so what I do is with full knowledge) and steamed shrimp and pizza fritta.
I do one set of the eye exercises using the hybiscus flowers as focal points.
It is a beautiful Saturday morning.
I have to go in at some point to work.
No one else in the lab knows what to do with these samples, or has an interest.
A bird with lots of yellow on it flits among the flowers, I think it is an oriole.
Another, with just a touch of yellow on his breast, flits among the branches of the shrubs, it is a warbler.
There is a child laughing in one of the houses, i reflect.
The children of this neighborhood, play very well together, even the one who has "issues" (his mother and father are in jail and he stays with with grandmother).
They all seem to like me, for what ever reason.
Every so often, friends of the neighborhood children come over and there is a polarization and the "difficult" child is an outcast. I do not like these other children.
They do not come around often, so most of the time all the children play well with each other.
Last night I challenged myself, I went with friends to the St. Leo church fair.
There are a lot of people who go. It is the most well attended church fair in the area.
I have not been in that level of crowds since the operation.
I did fine and ate raw oysters (yes, I know all about them and so what I do is with full knowledge) and steamed shrimp and pizza fritta.
I do one set of the eye exercises using the hybiscus flowers as focal points.
It is a beautiful Saturday morning.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Another story - Mary
My muse is returning. i can feel it sneaking up, just around the corner, but before it takes over, there is another story to be told.
Mary was the niece of the friend with whom I came to Connecticut with.
I met her some time after coming here tho.
She was bold, unpretentious and daring.
She was a bit younger than me, but she went a different way before i had a real chance to know her.
She was married to someone sometime before Penny died.
That person was not a good influence, he dealt drugs, she became addicted.
He was sent to prison and taken out of her life, but not before he gave her an HIV infection.
Her addiction brought her to shoplift and she was caught and sent to prison.
Some where and some how, while in prison (she was back and forth a few times) she cleaned up.
When she cleaned up her mother would go to visit and asked me to accompany her for the 2 hour ride.
I did so gladly, I have no issue with any kind of person.
I got to know her a bit and then she was released.
She stayed clean, but the infection took its toll and soon became AIDS.
Her attitude was still brash and refreshing and she would speak her mind, it was refreshing.
She came to live with John and David and I at some point and it was good to get to know her, but she was dying and she knew it.
She showed me how to love and live life, even tho death was in her face.
I learned that lesson last year.
There were times she needed comforting, I would hold her hands and hug her and let her talk.
I know hoe the virus is transmitted and none of those thing were any danger for me. She was not a "pariah", not a leper, she was a human being who was dying and needed comfort.
She stayed with us a bit over a year and I got to know her and love her, i also came to find out she had always loved me.
Then the dementia took its toll and she no long knew who we were are who she was.
She spent her last 2 months in a very special Hospice called "Bread and Roses".
She died there, but left me with many gifts of memories and some times I think I hear her calling me and just directing me to love life a bit more.
Mary was the niece of the friend with whom I came to Connecticut with.
I met her some time after coming here tho.
She was bold, unpretentious and daring.
She was a bit younger than me, but she went a different way before i had a real chance to know her.
She was married to someone sometime before Penny died.
That person was not a good influence, he dealt drugs, she became addicted.
He was sent to prison and taken out of her life, but not before he gave her an HIV infection.
Her addiction brought her to shoplift and she was caught and sent to prison.
Some where and some how, while in prison (she was back and forth a few times) she cleaned up.
When she cleaned up her mother would go to visit and asked me to accompany her for the 2 hour ride.
I did so gladly, I have no issue with any kind of person.
I got to know her a bit and then she was released.
She stayed clean, but the infection took its toll and soon became AIDS.
Her attitude was still brash and refreshing and she would speak her mind, it was refreshing.
She came to live with John and David and I at some point and it was good to get to know her, but she was dying and she knew it.
She showed me how to love and live life, even tho death was in her face.
I learned that lesson last year.
There were times she needed comforting, I would hold her hands and hug her and let her talk.
I know hoe the virus is transmitted and none of those thing were any danger for me. She was not a "pariah", not a leper, she was a human being who was dying and needed comfort.
She stayed with us a bit over a year and I got to know her and love her, i also came to find out she had always loved me.
Then the dementia took its toll and she no long knew who we were are who she was.
She spent her last 2 months in a very special Hospice called "Bread and Roses".
She died there, but left me with many gifts of memories and some times I think I hear her calling me and just directing me to love life a bit more.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Views of an eclectic Monk
I was called that once by a lady i was seeing once and i considered being called an "eclectic Monk" a high complement.
Because of my own views and interpretations of things, I try to look at this life and live it differently than many others. So I may digress at different points in this points, but stay with me.
Since what is called the New testament was sorted through and compiled by one man way back at the end of the Roman Empire (all those who are break-offs from the Catholic Church and not not like one man being infallible, should take special note of this fact), I believe those books are a guide and have been pretty much directed as a way to live, but not a literal "Word of God". If I believe anything it was that Jesus was that Word and so i try to look at what he taught.
There are many things written about him, but the general thing i see, is that he hung around the worst people of the society, the tax collectors, the poor, the working poor, prostitutes and people everyone else looked down on. he did not seem to care much for people who wanted power over other people.
He was also beyond non-violent, to the point it makes Gandhi look like a gun toting terrorist.
He stood his ground on what he believed and taught others the same.
He got angry, but never hurt anyone.
And I do believe the whole ending, including coming back.
What does that do to me?
It makes me attempt pacifism at every turn. there is no Country or cause worth fighting for, this is all about power and control, but there are other ways.
My example - I was working at a club doing Laser light shows. It was late and I enjoy the crowds, but they were thinning out and one girl was dancing alone (Hip Hop solo style) and so it was great to watch.
Some guy had too much to drink and was bothering her. She pushed him away twice and then I just stepped in between him and her and told him to leave her alone.
He was drunk and started swinging. Years of a "defensive Tea Kwon Do" training. blocked every strike, but i did not strike back. After a few moments of a flurry of attempts to hit me he stopped. I went and got the bouncers. They told him they were going to kick him out for the night, but if he ever wanted to come back, he would have to apologize to me. He did and I accepted.
The girl kept dancing.
If I could be that way with everything, I would.
It is not easy.
I admire those monks in Burma (no I will not use the new name) and those in Tibet.
I try my best not to hate, but it is tough some times, but i try.
This of course affects my attitude toward everything, even my adventure with the Tumor and Double vision.
There are things to learn.
Because of my own views and interpretations of things, I try to look at this life and live it differently than many others. So I may digress at different points in this points, but stay with me.
Since what is called the New testament was sorted through and compiled by one man way back at the end of the Roman Empire (all those who are break-offs from the Catholic Church and not not like one man being infallible, should take special note of this fact), I believe those books are a guide and have been pretty much directed as a way to live, but not a literal "Word of God". If I believe anything it was that Jesus was that Word and so i try to look at what he taught.
There are many things written about him, but the general thing i see, is that he hung around the worst people of the society, the tax collectors, the poor, the working poor, prostitutes and people everyone else looked down on. he did not seem to care much for people who wanted power over other people.
He was also beyond non-violent, to the point it makes Gandhi look like a gun toting terrorist.
He stood his ground on what he believed and taught others the same.
He got angry, but never hurt anyone.
And I do believe the whole ending, including coming back.
What does that do to me?
It makes me attempt pacifism at every turn. there is no Country or cause worth fighting for, this is all about power and control, but there are other ways.
My example - I was working at a club doing Laser light shows. It was late and I enjoy the crowds, but they were thinning out and one girl was dancing alone (Hip Hop solo style) and so it was great to watch.
Some guy had too much to drink and was bothering her. She pushed him away twice and then I just stepped in between him and her and told him to leave her alone.
He was drunk and started swinging. Years of a "defensive Tea Kwon Do" training. blocked every strike, but i did not strike back. After a few moments of a flurry of attempts to hit me he stopped. I went and got the bouncers. They told him they were going to kick him out for the night, but if he ever wanted to come back, he would have to apologize to me. He did and I accepted.
The girl kept dancing.
If I could be that way with everything, I would.
It is not easy.
I admire those monks in Burma (no I will not use the new name) and those in Tibet.
I try my best not to hate, but it is tough some times, but i try.
This of course affects my attitude toward everything, even my adventure with the Tumor and Double vision.
There are things to learn.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
It was a Tuesday...
Both Monday and Tuesday brought me places I do not like to be at work and at home.
In conflict with just about everyone else on the planet, at least it seemed.
At work, something that has been dragging around since 1977 (before even i was there), came to a political head.
I forced one issue and stood my ground, but did not force another.
I demand complete openness about results and some one wanted to what, i would not let that happen.
I had an opinion based on 30 years of looking at a problem that everyone kind said no way. I did not force the issue, but my point was made and people who might be in trouble were taken care of.
I got a slew of E-mails with more lies about Obama, Russia and Health care.
People have no idea what they are being fed.
I witness 2 people who can not get proper health care. one is David, who is DISABLED and because doctors can choose whether to treat any ailment he has or not based on their issue with any health care provider that the system provides.
The other is another friend who retired in his early 60's because of a Heart issue. He can not get Health Insurance because he has a preexisting condition.
Is the current proposal good? I do not know, but it has to be better than what these 2 have to deal with now.
So full of emotion and fight, I write.
I did not make any friends today.
In conflict with just about everyone else on the planet, at least it seemed.
At work, something that has been dragging around since 1977 (before even i was there), came to a political head.
I forced one issue and stood my ground, but did not force another.
I demand complete openness about results and some one wanted to what, i would not let that happen.
I had an opinion based on 30 years of looking at a problem that everyone kind said no way. I did not force the issue, but my point was made and people who might be in trouble were taken care of.
I got a slew of E-mails with more lies about Obama, Russia and Health care.
People have no idea what they are being fed.
I witness 2 people who can not get proper health care. one is David, who is DISABLED and because doctors can choose whether to treat any ailment he has or not based on their issue with any health care provider that the system provides.
The other is another friend who retired in his early 60's because of a Heart issue. He can not get Health Insurance because he has a preexisting condition.
Is the current proposal good? I do not know, but it has to be better than what these 2 have to deal with now.
So full of emotion and fight, I write.
I did not make any friends today.
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