Going too deep - Penny

This post is on something which happen long ago, beginning almost 30 years ago.
While I am over much of it, there are times it still affects me.
This post is dedicated to one of the followers of this blog, "Lori" and to "cherie", who is big on giving rewards!
Shortly after moving to Connecticut, one of my closest friends introduced me to Penny, a girl who was from North Stonington, CT. She was living in Bridgeport at the time, working at an HMO with my friend.
Now when I say friend, this is one of the 7 people who are in the closest circle in my life and I trust him completely, without reservations.
Penny came from a Baptist background, I from a Greek Orthodox, but we were drawn to each other immediately. We were also only a year apart in age.
For my part, I was in my mid twenties and very immature emotionally, so to say that the relationship was smooth, was not real. My immaturity and in reality, fear, created a lot of missteps.
But we were both drawn, not only to each other, but the Spiritual Community that I was already part of and both became involved with what became known as The Community of St. Luke's, operating through the Episcopal Church in a poor area of Stamford.
So we are talking a huge amount of commonness between the two of us.
During one of my "disappearances" from the relationship (I told you I had no idea how to handle a serious relationship and would back away and this went on and off for 5 years), she became engaged to another member of the Community (another on of the 7 people I count on deeply).
I bring this up because at that moment I learned that they as my closest people to my heart were more important than anything else I might think of and so there was no jealousy or anger and I was not even upset. They were just plain special people to my heart and what ever was best for them was alright with me.
I did not know at the time, but was later told, that the marriage was not going to happen, things were happening and it was not going to be, but I had no idea and I remained very close to both.
Then Penny was diagnosed with Leukemia.
They began treatments, she lost her hair, the Leukemia went into remission and I felt her heart with mine often. We knew what was going on with each other and some times did not have to say a word.
She was scared, but would not show it. I could feel it. She walled everyone off, not so different than when I first heard about my tumor.
She slowly grew back her hair, it was peach fuz and she was embarased by it and I would rub her head and tell her it was beautiful.
The they decided to do a bone marrow transplant from her brother, it did not take.
Then they told her that the treatments meant that she could not have children and she has heart broken and gave up and died.
The day she died, no one was expecting anything bad to happen, i was in the lab working when I heard her voice clear as anything, "Joe. I've got to go now, tell every one I love them. Goodbye."
I sat down, knowing she had died and was in shock.
30 minutes later I got a call from someone telling me she had died 30 minutes previous.
I told him I knew and why.
At first I blamed the procedure and the doctors. I was angry. I would not participate in the bone marrow registry that the lab hosted for a number of years.
I also could not even think of dating for almost 10 years and even then it was very half hearted.
Others told me that they were mad with her for giving up, I did not understand that for a long time. I do now.
It was not the procedures fault, it was not the doctors fault, it was not her fault.

It was "her time" and I am okay with that, tho I still miss her greatly.

Now to post the awards that Cherie gave me.

Saturday Night out -Tawa Indian

New location at 211 Summer St.
I had their menu, but when I walked in they said they had a "Bread Bar" downstairs and full dining upstairs. I like new and different. This was and I was NOT disappointed.
First the atmosphere was really nice - it was small, but great for a "bar".
I tried a on tap Indian Beer, which was just fine!
Then came the crisp bread with 3 dipping sauces - one a green chili chutney -was hot and well made (I make that as well, but I use what I have most of, mint, most Indians use cilantro and this was the case). A mango chutney and a vinegar red pepper (sweet). Perfect for dipping. One of us ordered a Sizzling Kebab platter with lamb and chicken. and a stuffed Nan with lamb I ordered a chicken kabob and Paratha.
Each came with its own dipping sauces and all were wonderful. The main meals can get spicy hot, but they are well marked on the menu. What we had a a wonderful blend of spices that were sweet, but not spicy hot.
Definitely a place to go to again!
The server was new, but did well and was chatty and that helped - no issue with service.
Everyone was very warm and friendly.

A corollary

Something else that happened when the anger left, I stopped trying to be the hero.
I stopped trying to save people (and return, hoping they would like me cause I did not like my self).
It finally allowed me to be just plain old me.
It allowed me to laugh at my self.
My silly some what middle aged guy, I got to be comic relief for me.
And for those around me.
And if I read it right cause I stopped trying, I became what I wanted to be, an inspiration.
That is pretty awesome.
Thank God? Yes daily.
Understand? No I stand in awe and wonderment because in my wildest dreams I could never imagine anything like this.
Perfect? Not a chance, but I do not need to be any more.
Some where I gave up needing to have all the answers. Saying I don't know is easy now.
Saying no, if even easier, even if it means some one will "not like me" because of it.
This really is freedom.
I am amazed.

The journey continues

I walk into work daily, except when raining the a friend gives me a ride.
It is a time to think and see.
My mind is usually fresh and things kind of happen in there,
Before leaving today, I was seeing what weather they thought we would have today and I started flipping around (I know a guy thing), I saw an "Angel" rerun.
I was always attracted to the dark heroes on screen and TV. The more struggles they had within themselves, the more I related.
It was the heart wrenching soul turning, hatred of the themselves and the ripping anger directed at themselves that some how would drive there acts during the movie.
Think "Angel" or "Forever night" or even" Buffy". Think the "Dark Knight". Think Bruce Willis in some of his dark movies and even some of the light ones.
All had tortured souls, struggling within themselves and they did what was good.
I related deeply for reasons I do not know and now do not want to know.
The daemon that pushed me to do good was inside of my heart creating conflicts of longing and confusion, but somehow mostly doing the right thing, without fear or care what might happen to me.
But in all of this, I hated me and so did not care what happened and therefore I put myself on the torture rack.
I was aware of this, but felt powerless to stop it.
There is a side story, many years ago when I had my first (?) spiritual experience, I became in a Charismatic / Pentecostal church and while they would have a wave of the Spirit come over them and would be singing or speaking in "tongues", I would be laughing. Not at them, that was the release I was given for those few brief moments of that torture in my soul.
Anyone who has had a Spiritual experience, knows that everything is just a beginng and that we follow a long Journey of change over our lives and it never stops.
The (?) is because when I was 3, I remember my baptism in a Greek Orthodox Church and that may have really been my first experience because I remember the ceremony and the church vivdly.
So why all of this rambling?
Because while walking to work this morning, I reealized that that hatred was missing, it was not there and had not been for some time.
It does not make me a better person, it makes me a freer one and yes I can blame this crazy "Adventure" on its absence.
The loss of so much over the past year, has helped me lose that anger.
It is good!

Tell my Story

I had the opportunity to tell the story of all that has happened to me in the past year twice to people who i had not seen in a while.
Despite all the trouble and the difficulty and the frustration, when i tell it, there is great joy in recounting the number of times that I could have died and operating room voices and finally the little bit that is left, the double vision and I am always able to joke about it. One was cooking chicken, so I said, "if I take my glasses off, there is twice as much!" To another, I simply said, "there are great advantages to seeing two image of a beautiful person (for me it is a female)."
As difficult as it is in getting around, there are things I can be glad of.
One person asked if this had ruined all my plans.
I said simply, no, it may have accelerated them.
That it has lasted as long as it has, maybe my way out that I have been preparing for for a long time.
When I started working, I did not have many goals, just to do what I could, but thing evolve and slowly goals began to evolve and clarity began.
There were so many things I accomplished by just stumbling in on them.
When my goals became clear, there was one I never thought I would make and that was to work with the CDC. That did happen during the first year of the West Nile Outbreak and I was satisfied.
My other goals were more personal.
When I lost my ability to paint, I wanted that back.
Some how this trip I have been on has awakened it and I paint despite double vision and hurting eyes.
I was looking forward to retiring at 58 and moving to Virginia (I have a place and loads of people I know).
I might be able to do that sooner all because the double vision is still with me.
When I look at it that way, I can deal.
There are amazing things that can open up when I am still enough to listen and watch.

I am not always fine

I have a favorite techno (that's right, I enjoy techno) Artist named Robert Miles.
One of his songs has lyrics , one and one is one, where the refine is something like "I am not always fine".
I thought of this today because my attitude is not always up, sometimes I snap because of the difficulty of this sight thing, sometimes I am down.
I thought of this because the other day John (one of my biggest supporters) was holding the frige door open for me so I could get something.
He did not have to hold the door, he wanted to.
I reached in to get what I wanted and from my side sight, the door wavered and I pulled my head back quickly, knocking into the closed freezer door.
Of course, I had an immediate reaction and took it out verbally on John (he is not disabled) and then calmed down in a moment.
There are times when things happen, like that or when I can't stand up well or I start a coughing fit for no reason, that I get mad. I am not usually directing it at anyone, but the reality is all of this is very difficult and some times, not often, I lose it.
I am not all serenity and smiles, this is the hardest road I have ever taken and there are lots of rough spots in it.

I took a holiday

Rather my brain decided it would be MIA and relax all day Sunday. That happened despite the fact that I went in for some work at the Lab (overtime), but the rest of the day I walked, I rested, I walked, walked to the Dairy Queen and had Ice Cream.
It was wonderful!
I had to bring it back so I could cook dinner and because I was still dealing with the need for something with a Mexican taste (not true Mexican, cause I am from Texas, maybe border Mexican), that is where I went.
First a salsa - finely chopped ripe tomatoes, onions, cilantro and some of my peppers (I grow my own, I have a jalapeno plant that I have over wintered 3 years and the peppers it produces takes away any pain I might have). blend it with some salt and lime to taste.
Then I went after a cilantro sauce - cilantro, my jalapenos, onions, chili powder and some sweet pepper slices. Blend them with a bit of Olive oil (you can use what ever oil floats your boat). Add salt to taste (I was using sea salt today, so I use less than normal salt).
Then the rice - yellow rice with - you guessed it, cilantro, and chicken stock .
The main course - Some Cod (not Mexican, but it is what I had) cooked in some oil with butter and chili powder and a bit of lime on top of the stove.
Plating - important!
one corn tortilla (warmed and I should have used 2) - cilantro sauce on top, place cod on top of that. Salsa on one side, rice on the other.
I have no picture, we ate it too fast!
I think my mind came back, but it wants to go one another vacation - next Sunday!

I forgot! I got a cupcake award from "This Side of Town". Just what I needed! A cupcake to finish the day!

A quick restraunt critic

I decided to go out for dinner and walked downtown with a friend. He wanted Mexican and so we tried Maryann's.
It is a no go on many levels
The food, not colorful or flavorful.
The guacamole was poorly mashes avocado with little else.
Very little heat (spice), no cilantro, no chili pepper, no salt.
The service was fine.
The restaurant was hot with no fans and little air.
All the doors and windows were open with no screens.
I will not go back.

An encounter

There is a saving grace in this life.
When I am taken to the store to do weekly shopping, I seek one person out.
It is because she laughs and has fun while we checkout.
I had been worn out by several weeks.
My eyesight appeared to be getting worse.
One trip to the store,
one brief moment with a person who knows how to laugh,
cleared my heart and thus my brain.
My double vision is back on its original path, slowly getting better.
I will seek out more laughter any where I can find it.
I will give it when ever.
This is something that keeps our hearts free.

Difficult Stuggling Dreams

Last night I had a series of them, I remember the last one.
I know that I have been having them for a number of days (weeks?).
I am in the lab doing something and there is a flurry of activity.
I must finish what I am doing.
A woman, who I do not know walks in demanding a copy of a report.
She is some one important.
The report brought down her Ex.
He was a Senator. He was driven out of office by the report.
She now wants an official copy so she can get money from him.
She is divorcing him.
The copy has a pen line through one result and a hand written values over it.
The typed line would not have been a problem. The written line is.
It does not look real, but it looks a bit like my hand writing.
It is something I would never do.
I demand to be able to finish my work.
My co-worker is not helping and is saying things to hinder me.
Other people come in the lab who have no business there.
They are gawking at the woman.
Some I know, some I don't.
One asks if i think she would be interested in him because she will have lots of money.
I look at him like he is crazy.
I finish what I was doing and go to my computer.
Only it has been disconnected with wires all over the place.
I try to start to put it together and a bunch of gaming disks fall out the back of the stand.
I claim someone is tampering with things.
I call IT.
End of dream.

The emotion of the dream is what is important, the struggles, the frustration, the feeling that nothing ends. That feeling is what has been reproduced in a number of other dreams (not in the Lab or at work) that i do not remember.
I no longer wonder why there is so much stress in my shoulders.

I am crazy, trust me

Before I go parading around blog word, catching up on things, let me let you in on my Monday/Tuesday.
Monday was bizarre - I worked until 12, took 3 furlough (no pay) hours, then came back at 5 and worker overtime for 4 hours.
I was not too steady on my feet when i left.
I also told my boss about my intentions for disability retirement.
Now you say if you can work 8 hours in the day????
Well when I went home, I slept for 2 hours and it took 2 cups of coffee to get me going.
There was also some attitude in me, because the people collecting the samples are not being allowed to do it during regular working hours and I, I have to set them all up.
So, if they are getting overtime hours, I who do all the pre-setup work and all the post analysis, need to get over time and since I have to take 8.25 furlough Days, this is as good a way as any to use the time.
Now my boss, who I told my thoughts of yesterday, told me today, I was looking very good for someone who worked all those hours. I was wobbling all over the place and left at 1:30 today (not 2 or later as it has been).
Do I worry, no. I make more mistakes in a day than I used to in a week, it is just I am catching them. The state has some of those mistakes documented. I am not worried.
My attitude is good, but we will see.
More later!

I like Sunday Mornings

But I do not sleep in. It seems that since the operation, I have become a morning person and so I sit on the front porch and watch all the other morning people pass by.
It is fun.
It also gives me time to reflect.
I have little less than half a month before this really busy season ends in the lab, that i will make. Then I get to review the damage done by various mistakes during this pressure time.
I also know there is improvement, but things certainly are not going as advertised, to me it looks like a few years rather than a few days at this point. so I get to be patient, but I am not.
Sometime it feels like the walls close in on me and I feel trapped by all of this. Taking long walks helps. Going some place different helps.
When I feel trapped, my mood becomes sour.
When 30 or 40 samples come into the lab and there is no one to help, I feel overwhelmed.
That is when I know that I do not want to do this next year, there are too many chance of mistakes (which have occurred) and I am the one to figure it out.
I am fortune that i set up so many things before all of this to make things easier, my coworkers are clueless.
I do not like the attitude, which is basically "Leave me alone", that comes up.
I do not like the pain and nerve movement in the back of my head, it hurts usually in the afternoon. I still think it is all the nerves and muscles trying to wake up - unsuccessfully.
I still can not drink water without choking - but it does not happen all the time and now there are many meals I can eat without the same issue. Some of that is me knowing when to stop and part of that is improvement.
So in he light of an easy Sunday morning, things are looking up. There are more positives than negatives. I do have a clear idea of how I will proceed concerning work, but I will bide my time, that is a benefit to civil service.
And I will continue to work things out, slowly. Not expecting any great miracles, only small ones.
That is enough for me.
Now to deal with the lapses of memory when I am overwhelmed....

A Day in the Life of a Civil Servant

This usually sounds like an oxymoron.
I agree!
This is where the struggles about my job come in because I am classified as a civil servant and as some one who has been working in that classification for almost 30 years, unless I do something extremely stupid, I am untouchable.
That is my struggle because i never worked like a civil servant.
My actual job classification is lab technician, which according to the specs means I am suppose to do what ever tests my boss tells me. Nothing more.
When I was hired, I already had 4 years working in my field in private and corporate industry, I did not like the lying, deceiving and the general attitude most had. I could have just done my job, but it never was enough for me, I was, well, Curious, inquisitive and interested in the meaning of what i did.
I could go on, but that is corporate life and I went in to a local government job.
Where you have to be really stupid to loose your job.
You can insolent, surly and unhelpful and it does not matter.
You can do a poor job it does not matter.
You can yell at your boss and as long as you don't threaten him, it does not matter.
And forget about the public, they just paid your salary.
But I was not like that, could not be like that. I actually tried to help people.
When I was hired, my boss wanted to have environmental testing go to a different level, he was a very good microbiologist and teacher, but he had very little clue about environmental chemistry. He gave me that job and a long rope.
I started expanding the testing, some tests I later dropped because they did not have meaning, I expanded in other areas.
There years after starting, I published my first research. Local government people do not do research, they do not publish. I did.
If you have every seen the movie "The Matrix", you know that Neo saw patterns in the matrix.
I see patterns in data and then try to get the computers to help me prove it.
This is why I learned programing.
Sometimes I am wrong, but not often.
10 years after being hired, I established something called a preemptive closure for the beaches for bathing. No one else had done it at that time. That got the attention of the state health department and then the US EPA. Local people do not do that. I did.
Then I became certified by the DEA as a Forensic Chemist, we were one of the very few local health departments to do it (the others were all large cities).
We started the first tick testing program in the state.
All this was with my boss' blessing, but I did not have to do it.
In the water testing, everyone with well water would ask me about the info on their water. We would get calls on the water company water. I would answer them all and try to be as helpful as I could.
My basic role was to either reassure people everything was really okay, guide them in to proper corrective action or warn them of whatever serious item existed.
The tests I did cost the city money sometimes.
It was if word of mouth was that if you had a question about many things environmental, the person to get the straight answer from was me.
I kept me busy.
In civil service, if there are evaluations, they are meaningless. There are no merit raises or punishments.
I evaluate myself.
I am finding it difficult to do this anymore. I am needing to turn questions away because I actually can not handle a lot.
I am evaluating myself.
I am finding myself lacking.
I had a final publication in July, I did all the work two years earlier.
I do not know if when i leave the replacement will want to do things or be interested, it is not my problem, but i am looking to a time of leaving and it is bittersweet.

Connectivity

Reading the many comments on this blog, I see something that seems to common to all of us.
Now it may only be because you are all drawn to what I write and so are dealing with major things in your own lives, but we are all very encouraging to each other and i do not think it is fake.
I think it is very heartfelt, very personal. Each of you deals with these things in your own way, but you are finding ways to survive and flourish even with major things going on.
I find this amazing.
It gives new meaning to the phrase "we are all in this together".
It seems that life is what we make of it and it does not matter that there are sour grapes, some how we go through it.
I think it means we are all connected it some way.
It gives our life a different meaning and I would say a more purposeful one.
So life and what it gives each human, seems to be consistent.
That is my ramblings, only to lead to a just plain thank you for all the personal things you have shared and the encouragement you have given.
It is appropriate that i write this now and thank you because some how, I am sad the last few days and I would not call it depression, yet. It is sadness that i can not quite put my finger on.
So again Thank all of you for your many comments and I know the muse in me will return, soon.

Strangeness fits again.

I did not remove this morning post.
There are so many strange things going on and it fit with the strangeness.
I lose short term memory for a short while at times, forgetting peoples names, but not the faces. Have trouble dealing with the large quantity of work, which will decrease in September.
The memory thing is a point of exhaustion and pain - after going through the examination at SUNY, the muscles in my eyes hurt. They are being worked particularly hard and it lasts at least one day. That the tires the rest of me out and my functioning level is one small thing at a time, but i still have to sort it out at work because 5 things are thrown at me at once.
That creates its own confusion and I struggle to make sense of it all as it is coming at me.
I do not get any help.
I am actually looking at a disability retirement possibility.
This is also hard.
For so many years I have been defined by what I do and can do, it does not work for me anymore and I am looking to be free of that trap. I think it lets you be used.
It is who i am that is important, not what I do.
Those crazy free verse prose that come out of my heart, they tell the story.
The inspiration that comes when i see a picture or scene that i want to paint, not the painting itself, but the inspiration, that is what is important.
It is the flowers in the garden I tend and the fragrances of the herbs that are in there that make my life, well happy.
I have peppermint all over my hand right now and it is wonderful.
That I can see the ecological stupidity of paths that progress and the desire for corrective action are creating, well, that is my knowledge.
And that is important also.

Pondering

Yesterday, I went down to the "city" for the optometrist/ophthalmologist/head trauma appointment.
The place is SUNY school of optometry - they teach, they learn, they research. It is a good place to be if you have problems like mine.
Between travel and the appointment, it takes a full day.
Between the testing and the new exercises, I am pretty much wiped out.
They treat you very well. I guess It was between classes and the very joyful head of the school was the one to examine me.
I wish I lived in New York, I would ask her out. Nice, professional, joyful, knowledgeable and she let me know, single.
This is one of the strange things lately that I am dealing with - people and women especially seem to be somewhat attracted to me.
I am not used to this. It is confusing. Maybe I am dreaming.
Some want something, mostly what i can not give at this time, but I can tell. I never could before.
Most are joyful, happy people. I wonder if I exude any joyfulness myself?
There is very little for me to hide any more and so there are some people I have told I do not want around me. I almost never did that before.
John was with me, cause no one thinks I can get around by myself completely yet (not even me, not in a crowded place).
John is tall, divorced and all the women look at him, but he does not see it. He to will learn.
Mean while, I am trying to learn my path.
The shy geek in me seems to be being replaced with something else.
I do not fully know who that is yet, I am learning.
I did not think I would do this post and I may still delete it, but for now this is what happened as I woke up in the morning.
There are other parts having to do with my current work, we will see.

In the middle of it

I am still in the middle of it,
that decision making process.
The well meaning wisdom of friends,
is as useful as the sharp barbs of my enemies.
The decision, the path, the choice;
Is always only mine to make.

choices

Finding choices before me,
not all paths are clear,
not all paths are true.
What was old,
still exists in the recess of my mind.
The New pushes my feet forward to a different way.
Some times i am confused.
Sometimes I am sure.
Sometimes I am lost in a new land.

My One Year Anniversary

It has now been a year since I woke up in that hospital bed with tubes running out of me, confused, dazed and not really sure if I was dead or alive.
So many thoughts went on, some about doctors arguing about what and was not practicing medicine, some about why I could not swallow, some about the strange things I remember from the day of the surgery.
They were all strange and bewildering things.
I had not grasped that I had almost died after the operation.
I did not know what was happening with my vision.
I simply clung on to some strange and unusual hope that I would get better.
I was at that time, thinking of what happened to me as awful.
I was scared.
I had no idea what was really going on.
There was a transformation occurring deep inside.Some where I was becoming empathetic, my view on life was becoming more, Joyous.
Apparently, I was a pleasure for the nursing staff because i was just plain happy I was alive. I gave up and in that giving up, I let them do what ever they needed to do and some how, I changed deep inside.
I am not the same person I was a year ago. I do not even recognize who that person was.
There are some of the same feeling, but even now, it feels like I am moving at a rockets pace to unfamiliar space and I am excited.
Some friends took me to the new restaurant last night in Byram, Lolita. I enjoyed the nuevo Mexican food greatly. They did not know it was my anniversary, I think I will tell them tomorrow.

I remember

Specifically the song by Simon and Garfunkel, "Mrs. Robinson". There music was probably the only music I was able to relate to back then.
They talked of loneliness so many times, in so many tunes.
I am reminded how fortunate I am with my very close friends and then I met them,
the lonely people. The ones who are scared and lonely and actually say hi back when you greet them.
Some how I am reminded of another poet and the Hollow men, which I saw read by a wonderful thespian in High school.
I have seen some one as I walk near our street, who invited me for a beer as I walked past. We talked a bit and I knew he was lonely. There are so many lonely people in this world!
How fortunate am I!

Last night

Last night, I took a deep breath and opened the file.
The file with the pictures of my monster.
The cat scan had showed fuzzy images of something, not clear at all.
The MRI was clear, crystal clear, showing the monster in all its gory.
t was large enough, it was spread out enough to take my breath away, but not in a good way.
How had it been there so long?
I looked at this weeks MRI and it was gone, vanquished by some brave knight.
I live, I breath, I think, I sing...

Stars

Stars, Ah Stars!
Twinkling, shinning brightly in the night.
I stand among them in their beauty.
They are not mine to hold or touch, I say.
"You are one of them", a voice says.
"You all are one."
I am humbled in my heart as I look below and see,
the fireflies mimic the stars that I am among.

Something to laugh at!

This morning, I had my 1 year follow up MRI.
Enough things happened that left me laughing.
First, the very beautiful Russian technician remembered me, she was the one who took the MRI which confirmed the blasted tumor.
Another lady took me to the MRI this time and I went in I started to get anxious.
Now, I only had 2 or 3 the past year without a problem. The very first one I had a bit of a problem, but thought of beautiful things and it quickly went away. This time that did not work. I thought I recognized why and as I was calm and going in the second time, I thought of... WORK!???
Why work? It calmed me, those analytical things I was working on distracted me and I was calm.
I though, my analytical, controlling mind is no longer predominate, the care free, creative mind is and the ANALYTICAL MIND is my ESCAPE. That made me laugh and put me in a good mood.
After I got to joke with both ladies and then one took me to "records" so i could get a CD of both sets of pictures (the one from when i had the tumor and now).
I have not reviewed either one, I am a bit nervous to see the monster in a clear view.
But maybe it was not such a monster, after all it has restored something i lost and brought more of that creative, free wheeling muse to the front.
Oh. heck, I will take seeing two of each those lovely ladies any time!

Watercolors

I want to thank a few people for inspiration today.
First, Shooting my Universe, mostly because he is the latest photographer to have captured an image i wanted to paint!
I asked for permission to paint from his photos and received a package of photos from the Eastern Point Light house. They were wonderful.
Here is the picture I chose:

and this is the result:


There are others, like Soundbounder that I have done this to before. Sometimes an image captures something in my heart/spirit and I want to see what I do with it.
These people are prolific and very good photographers and I enjoy their work a great deal.
My other inspiration is all of you artist out there that I love to see:
Cogito Ergo Suma
Mysteries
Blissful Bohemian
Artful Chica's Studio
Let me show you Vermont
There are many more, some I just scan (read lurk here) and some I do not like the style and do not follow, but all have been encouraging to me.
Thank you.

Introductions

These are the people who have carried me through high water.
They know me completely and each has a story of their own.
Franklin - We met in Houston where he had moved from New Your City with his wife and son to join a community out of an Episcopal (the church of the Redeemer) in a poorer section of Houston. He and his wife had a quest and for a while they found it in that rather large community. I met him as I was going to college and he was an assistant administrator at a semi-free medical clinic (meaning you paid what you could) in a really poor area of Houston. I got a chance to work in the lab, which was my first work experience as a chemist and got to know him and his family. He is passionate, particularly when it comes to care for other people who do not have. When they moved back up to this area (at the request of another episcopal church) they invited me to come. Things worked out that I finished my degree and came.
There is a portion of us that share the same feel for others and caring, as he is very outspoken, he took a lot of pot shots for doing it. We all did a lot in Stamford, much unrecognized, but that is not why we did it. There are many of the people in the South end who benefited, who do remember.
Marie - Franklin's wife, a very passionate individual. She tells me that if she had not married Frank, she would have joined the catholic workers. I consider her my pastor. She was one of those who got to see me almost dead last December and still worries a great deal over me.
Walter - born an orphan, raised in a foster home. Has only one eye and has an extremely compassionate heart. Found our small group when we moved up here and helped a great deal when we started what was called the community of St. Luke in an old episcopal chapel in the south end.
John - I call him an ex alcoholic, he would not, even though he has not had anything to drink in 33 years. Very capable mechanical engineer (with no degree). Met the rest of us down at St. Luke's . He is possibly the most gentle man I have ever met (all 6' 2" of him) and remember how much care he took of the abused people who came to the shelter. He currently is my main mode of transportation outside of walking.
David, I have talked of before. The son of a Lutheran pastor an slightly brain damaged at birth, his gifts of caring are incredible, especially to animals, the mentally ill and me (may be not much difference there).
Everyone of these people is older than me by a number of years (4 at a minimum), the next 2 are younger.
Margareta - came to the Lab as our first office /clerical help. She is married (to a guy I like a lot) and has 3 children. She has an older sister who was born with a number of problems at birth and she talks of the compassion she learned from this. We bonded early in her time of work in the lab and she has moved up to bigger and better things, but stays in close touch with me and was an incredible encouragement during the first few months after the surgery. I some times think of her as mu guardian angel.
Courtney - She works as an AIDs councelor (a job I would not want to have) and is a Reike master. For what ever reason the paths we go on are always very similas as far as spiritual learning. When I real need help, I know she will be there.
Each of these can tell me things I need to hear, even if i do not want to hear and i will listen. they are that important to me.

words

Words tumble from my mouth,
like pebbles falling from my hands.
In the sun they glitter and catch your eye,
Like crystals and diamonds and polished gold,
but they are only common stones falling.
These are the words you read,
as they fall out of my heart.

Water

The water laps gently at my toes,
slowly rising,
covering my feet, then my ankles.
It stops at my knees.
It is cool and refreshing.
It does not feel like any water I have known before...
It tickles!
It refreshes!
It is clean and it washes me gently.
I wave suddenly washes over me.
There is no fear or torment.
No terror, only pleasure.
I feel,
I feel, I feel something new.
More than hope or waiting.
It is expectancy!
I look forward in every opportunity with out darkness or the shadow of fear.