what set this off

My mom's parents (my grandparents)

my friends were not surprised by what i felt yesterday,
they expected it.
Packages (or rather boxes) had arrived the other day from Virginia...
yes, my mom's stuff,
more to go through.
Three boxes were easy.
The fourth hard,
the fifth, impossible.
Pictures and photos and things.
some brought back memories,
some i had never seen and i was in awe.
I will work my way slowly through those last two boxes
and then i will share.
It is after all, still the first year
and the first year without her.

an odity of life

i want to be alone.
i want to be with people.
I want to be left alone,
I want to go some where....anywhere.
this is the strangeness i find myself in the middle of
and
      so
            i
                do
                      nothing.
why this strangeness,
i do not have a clue.
it exists...
i exist...
all in one very tight little corner.

gifts

David has been introduced here previously,
actually many times, as i consider him a great support.
He was born with some brain damage (too much or too little oxygen at birth)
and does things a bit differently.
Now on this blog, you have seen some of my cooking attempts,
but i never claimed to be a baker
and as a matter of fact,
i am really bad at it (except when it comes to Greek pastries).
My recent pumpkin yeast bread was okay, but not great.
My next attempt at quick breads,
ended up with flat looking loaves because they fell after taking them out of the oven.
In comes David and does a beautiful cranberry quick bread,
He has that gift, i don't.
i will leave the baking to him.

David's wonderful cranberry bread....my what ever pumpkin try!

we both followed a recipe and then one i used, he has done before with success....oh well!

fire and ice

Its warm for the end of November,
but the skies remind me of another place and time.
Texas...
before or rather just before a "Blue Norther" dropped the temperature 40 degrees.
It is November and very unseasonable as far as the temperature goes,
but the sky is beautiful.

almost got my head cleared

but it did take 3 days off of work to do it.
It is strange that you do not realize the pressure that a job can place on you,
especially when you are truely still recovering or in a recovery stage.
The truth, i think some jobs will take you down no matter what.
Yesterday - i almost felt like painting again.
It is still there, gnawing at my heart, my soul,
but i can not describe what it is.
A flash of a vision or a picture.
A thought of a method or a thing i want to try.,
but "things" still get in the way.
Soon they will not - i hope.

funny things

Every so often (and maybe not often enough), i check the followers.
What i am most surprized is the followers on my Environmental blog where i spout thing i believe to know about hings "environmental".
Know my knowledge is limited, but i am curious beyond belief and do not always think i am correct, but at least i have some supporting info.,
but then there seems to be some form of spiritual message going out (not that i mine, but think this is the blog that stuff comes out on more) because many of the links to some of the few folowers are very religious.
More than that, i find my "adventure" one of great learning.
Which leads me to my next bit of information which was that i got a chance to watch "Soul Surfer" in a rented movie last night.
I could not watch the part where the girl lost her arm to a shark, but the rest of the movie did remind me of my continued struggle with my head/eye thing.
There are advantages - i see more detail than ever in my life now, but then the confusion with the eyes also kicks in and i get by.
Strange - i still do more at work than the others i work with, but it is because i am interested in every thing.
i make mistakes, mostly because of misinformation that is passed along, but i get by.
A long rambling post tonight.
Lots going on in my heart.

Not a traditionalist

Okay, maybe a bit, but i still do things differently!
I was invited over to a friend's house for Thanksgiving and a always ask what i can bring.
The answer was my corn bread.
My corn bread - why is it the first request?
It is a blending of my Greek heritage and where i grew up (Texas - with the Mexican influence).
It is moist, not crunchy and full of flavor.
Do i dare give out my secrets here?
Not yet, you have to beg, but i will say that the guest requested the remainder of the large pan stay at their house.
The other thing i did was smoke a salmon.
Now i recently heard that at a BBQ cook-off in Westport, the smoked Salmon presented was dry.
Not mine.
I have a special sauce with the base being a hickory off the self sauce, lemon and maple syrup.
The wood i used was maple.
30 minutes at 180 to 225 (the best i could control the fire) and all the other normal "smoking" parameters (indirect fire, moist heat).
My only "i wish i could have" was to crisp the skin, but there was no salmon left to take home.
The guest provided all the other regular Thanksgiving items.

Thankful reflections

How strange it seems,
but i am thankful from the problems that call attention to things,
things to reflect,
things to learn,
things to through in the garbage.
It is a gorgeous day here in CT,
bright sun,
crisp air.
I am alive to see it,
feel it,
enjoy it!
Our doggy comes by, duck in mouth, to say good morning.
The "why" question is not a bad one, the "why me" statement is.
Maybe i was beginning to go there.
The "whining why", is also not good, i was beginning to go there.
Why does the child believe everything is their own fault?
They do, even if it is not.
Why do we blame our selves for things we have nothing to do with?
We do and blame leads to an attempt to control.
And when control fails (as it always does), it leads to frustration.
And the frustration leads to anger, which leads to rage and usually the wrong people get the brunt of that.
i have enough real battles to fight without going there.
I am thankful instead..

how does it work?

You make a mistake,
big or small,
it pulls something deep inside of you.
The mistake is not longer the issue,
the lesson is.
The lesson is deeper than you could have ever imagined.
Something not resolved,
something which effects your life now
and in the past.
It is time for that to end, thus the mistake,
to draw attention,
to provide correction,
to show yet a better way.
It happens more often than not,
I do not like it at the time,
but it is better as time goes on.

understanding the difference between

i have become more aware of a strange thing,
tho the trauma of the brain operation rattled my memory,
I remember things, but differently now.
After some time, i have given it a name...
heart remembering.
Even tho i can not figure out why i must do some thing.
i do it and find out it is because of some place deep in my heart that has been nudged.
It is strange to walk between the logical (right sided?) and the feel (left side).
I am begining to enjoy it.

What it means

Listening to a news report about the congress woman from Arizona,
it has been a while since she was shot in the head
and survived...
The discussion on how frustrated she would get some times because she could not do what she used to...

I relate to that

No i did not get a bullet inteh brain,
but when they openned my skull to remove that tumor,
that was the same thing.

People finally are telling me it takes time, a long time to get over it.

i understand now
and it gives comfort.

following me

There is no way to really describe this post...
Yea, my mom has been around,
as best as she can now.
At work there was suddenly a scent that was unmistakably her,
but you all know she passed the March.
The scent was unmistakable...
a bit of lipstick,
a bit of perfume,
a bit of a soap she used.
I have neveer smelled it any where else,
but on her...
and so she was around a bit after my birthday,
jsut watching over me....

was it the sauce?

i pride myself in the hot sauces i concoct.
I have a Chipotle sauce with tequila, lime, salt and cilantro that i freeze to a slurry and serve that way.
i have an Italian hot sauce with the little green and red Italian peppers with olive oil and garlic
and i did a new one this year from the habanero peppers in my yard with lime and cilantro.
I had our very pregnant neighbor over with her 8 year olsd son for a simple dinner of hot dogs, Sauerkraut and garlic mashed potatoes.  I gave her the hot sauce and that night her water broke and delivered a healthy baby girl that evening.
Was it the sauce or the hot dog?

a mixture of a day

Today did not start off well,
or maybe it did.
I was remember what i do not want to ever forget,
yet the remembering is sometimes painful.
Finding something in plain sight after looking and not seeing last night.
The red skies in the morning,
brilliant and beautiful,
yet telling me of unsettled weather coming.
And then at work,
an argument with my boss,
but that is okay,
it was an argument on methodology and what is and is not important in a science thing.
I do not take it personally and i do not think he does either.
A new baby born to a neighbor,
this was really good.
Then information about something coming into Stamford from an actor and i think an Iron Chef.
Almost finishing a paper of well water in Stamford, my Novemebr update.
More interesting work and then Chinese for lunch.
All in all a good day.

watch the counter

She pretends she doesn't know that it is there...

An apple

a pie,

a pice of chicken,

or just a cracker.

Then she strikes and nothing is safe.

We have our own "Counter"  terrorist!

mornings are better

my thoughts are clearer,
my heart more open.
I hear songs in the mornings,
quiet ones of encouragement and praise.
They are not from any radio.
I feel more and perhaps a bit more tenderness in my heart.
It is not that they are gone in theevening,
but my eyes are openned wider now.
Until i get busy.
Wonder at breathing and being alive.
At feeling and hearinging.
I do NOT want mornings to go away.
I want then to stay, to feel this way,
so near to the edge...of life and death.
It feels good.

On my day off, i cooked Texas smoked brisket and several times the fire went out in this cold aair, but an 8 hour time frame made it the best i have done!
A chocolate brown barbeque sauce (with no chocolate!) also worked just fine.
That is for tonight with garlic mashed potatoes and other such...

an older light show

A wind,
a cold wind blew through here yesterday,
but today is just like a normal beautiful fall day.
The week has been good and i am relaxed with little more to say.
I have an older camera which i did capture some light in a strange and beautiful way,
This is what felt like today, tho this is from the summer.

remembering

My Dad did not serve in the US military, but was
1) working for British intelligence before we were involved
2) Part of the French underground
3) Flew with the free French air force
4) Trained US pilots at the end of the war.
He was still a veteran, tho not a US vet.
He became a US citizen after WWII.
So i remember him well on this day.

A day off

Coming tomorrow,
Veterns day,
a day of rememberance,
and i have so many things to remember...
So tomorrow,
a warm day in November...
Outside,
cooking brisket,
Texas Brisket that is,
for a last time of the season.
It has beenan eventful and wonderful week.
I think i gained a few pounds,
but it was worth it.
Pizza from yet another Stamford place -
such a little town and so much Pizza.
Cove this time
and it passed the cold pizza in the morning test...
a strange test that not many can pass.
Warmth from friends letting me pass this day of remembering ones no longer here.
A good day still
and more to come...

new day and better attitude

As i knew it would be, it is my birthday offically today and it started good and stayed good!
And if my 34 out of 35 predictions stays true - we have a mild winter with maybe some early snow!

Tumbling

I have had the great attitude,
but some where in the back of my mind,
I knew, i just knew, that there would be some darkness.
Why?  i do not know,
What set it off?
A myriad of little things.
They add up.
Last year, my mom began to get sick and
 i found myself taking care of her thebest i could.
My birthday and Christmas were kind of forgotten in the need that she had.
But thta was only a piece...some one elses bad mood.
Some one else not available.
Some one else who does not remember.
Not truely significant, each one,
but together they amounted to something that was dark.
and i fid myself groping for light.
The morning will come
and i will be okay,
but for this moment, it isdark.

inspiration, copyright, celebration

How do i begin this post?
For many are writing as of late...
Why we blog...
That is easy -
for what started as just a random thing
became very specific regarding my journey of recovery, My Adventure as i call it.
that journey has not ended
and even if my sight were to return to normal tomorrow,
i would still be on that adventure...
For life is a treasure
 and that brings me to the next portion...
For each of you who visits,
outspoken,
anonymous
or just silent...
is a treasure to me.
And as i visit, sometimes speaking, i am inspired by many things.
I keep treasures,
mementos of the visit for only me to know.
For those who worry about copyrights, I will not take and use with out express permission, i will ask.
But sometimes i take to view on a cold and dreary day,
to lift my heart.
They are stored safely and none else knows or sees.
So for so much inspiration, thank all of you.

And to the last portion -
last night i was taken to a favorite restaurant in Byram/Greenwich a Mexican inspired Tequilla bar (i had 2 margaritas and they were good), Lollitas.
Much food was had at our table - a Red Snapper delight (which i wish i had ordered),
a carne Assada to die for, steak quesadillas and a lime chicken.  a smoked poblamo pepper soup was brought to the table and a marvelous pork taco.
I had a bitr of every ones food cause i forgot it was not Texas and ordered a brisket taco - which was good, but not the Texas brisket flavor i wanted.
It is a pricey place to eat and drink, but if you have the money, worth it.

playing with light - a closer look

some closer shots of the autumn clors!

playing with light

I have my camera a while and enjoy its digital features of storing many photos.
But i have something artistic in me and like playing.
These are my attempts on a beautiful, crisp and clear autumn day...
to play with sunlight!
Autumn is a perfect time - because of the colors.
Capturing a light beam is always a plus...

coming soon

i tend to really enjoy my birthdays and i have one coming soon.
i do not think of "getting older", but of living another year.
I tend to celebrate all week and today was the begining.
Simple, easy - soft boiled eggs, butter, toast.
My mom would make this often in the mornings, so it has a special meaning,
but it is such a simple thing.
Yesterday - i made a pumpkin bread ( a real yeast bread with pumpkin).
I have never made yeast bread, but the chemist in me helped when i used an old flour and too much pumpkin (i adjusted it till it looked right)!

It came out very good and only one of three loafs is left (I did not eat the other two!)

I will never call myself a baker - it takes too much work, but icould get use to eat this!

More days to come and i am hoping for an Aurora for my birthday!

photos

From the very tiny - crystals found in water seen under a polarized light (at various degrees)

 to a Christmas cactus that can not tell the month











To the progression of color from my favorite Autumn tree - the "Autumn Scarlet"

smells like fall

 yes these are photos from October, but they fit today.

The surpise snow has gone,

Halloween is past.

It has finally started,

the air is crisp

and clean,

but there is an odor of fall leaves.

An unmistakable smell,

 that feels good.

I love Autumn,

even for its breif time,

the color,

the smwlls,

the look.

I do not like what comes after, but am content in what is now.

Halloween not post postponed

I found out late in the day that the city of Stamford "canceled" Halloween because of the downed power lines..
They never told me nor the numbers of children who came for candy last night...sigh!
Halloween was fun.
but now its done.
My lab is down and the candy is gone.
i hope all the children were as happy as i.
Now i look forward and think,
"They" were correct, the first year is the worst.
Coming to my birthday
and then thanksgiving
and then my mom's birthday
and Christmas
and New Years
and "little Christmas".
I have a grey edge surrounding me about those, almost like i do not want to celebrate.
I will not know until the time, cause i thought the same for Halloween and i was good with it,

these were the first cuties to come by

tho the excitement did not begin until the afternoon of...