New beginnings

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As everyone prepares to leave behind the old and celebrate the new,
I am only looking forward to new beginning.
I do not know all the things that are going to happen this coming year,
and I know one day does not make a demarcation,
but I feel things will be better.
I am still more thankful and
there is much work to be done,
but his year coming will be different.
As it is said the only thing constant in life is change.
Have a safe New Years eve to all and as many blessing as you can carry be in all of your lives.


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Now playing: George Winston - Love
via FoxyTunes

peace

I was given the opportunity to remember some one special yesterday.
The person was not a lover, tho she could have been.
She was not an angel, but she should have been.
This person came into my life after many futile attempts at dating after my first true love past away.
I had tried to "go Out", but everyone had their agendas and goals and I was not significant.
She had goals and I was not part of them, but she stopped, showed me kindness and revived my heart.
If only for a little while.
We parted friends and she showed me nothing but kindness.
If I see her on the street walking, it is a good thing.
I have still another kind person in my life once again and she also reminds me of this person.
Our goals do not match, but she has taken time to be kind to me and bring me into her life for a while.
It is nice...
And it brings peace.

Games and dreams

For those of you who were curious about the opening of my last post and for those of you who have experienced "unwanted" attention on your own blogs, they are the same.
The difference?
I sadly have the ability (and yes, I did use some of that ability) to discover and uncover where abouts of unwanted attention.
A person from Sunnyvale, Ca came across too strong and I had a choice to make.
I decided that it did not matter as to the identity they wished hidden and they were not being nasty and I have the last say on this blog if they got so.
I could have played the games i used to and I probably still have ability to shut them down, but I do not want to play anymore.
They are not a bother and as long as they remain so, they can post.
This blog has been about my change and my recovery and part of it is that I do not want to play anymore, it just is not important.
For the people who I serve (i.e. the public) who really do have problems, that is important.
For the people who have become my friends and who live dealing with monstrous problems, they are important.
I had a fun dream last night which almost summed it up.
The location, California.
The place. my "home".
A person comes to the door dressed as a "mock" General Custer, asking for help because the General, in his words, "Was not dead."
I laughed, said "yes he is cause I killed him." I closed the door and continued to laugh, saying; "You got to love this place!"
It was a good dream.

Christmas dinner, the day after.

This may seem like a food network blog, but it really isn't.
It is just have that that one of the more pleasant parts of this long recovery is that I seem to be able to cook, well.
Better than I ever could before, trying new things that I have never cooked before.
I also am not a respecter of dates.
I celebrated my birthday the day before.
Because we are having guest tonight, I am cooking Christmas dinner today.
I also make compromises, I wanted something like turkey or Ham or fielt Mingion and John wanted Pork Loin.
We are doing pork loin. Or rather I am cooking it.
I slit it open and stuffed it with apricots pieces and walnut pieces and cut up apples and salt and garlic.
I did a salt/paprika/parsley rub on the outside.
Then I put must orange honey glaze and am roasting it real slow.
Roasted potatoes, honey glazed carrots and salad finish it off.
I bought a chocolate yule Log from Matthew's bakery across the way for dessert.
I think I will have fun with this.

Games

Years ago, I used to love to play games on the computer.
I am not talking games as in video games, I am talking the hide and seek of the internet sleuthing.
The bad guys vs good guys.
I think I was considered a good guy back then,
Everything has changed over the years, I do not play games.
I am still in the middle of recovering from a very intense operation that left me, different.
Things that are important are not here in cyberspace, but in real life.
There are things we can do and things we can not do.
I apologize for this tirade, I am tired of the games, life is too precious and I will not waste my time with games anymore.

Christmas

I actually got to church today - the first time in a bit, more on that later.
We are having Christmas dinner tomorrow because that is when we will have 2 guests coning from Vermont.
Last night mimicked the 7 fishes feast with 7 fishes.
For those of you who have seen this blog before know I did some cooking and it was great -
Cod(1), done simply butter and salt in the broiler.
Ceviche, with squid(2), mussels(3), shrimp(4) and oysters(5), marinates with cilantro, garlic, onion, salt and Lime juice - no hot pepper
Linguine with my own white clam(6) sauce.
Italian style broccoli with garlic, bread crumbs and my own red tomato sauce and baked.
Shrimp (again) and Lobster(7) tail scampi!
That was great fun.
The rest of the day I was tired.
One sad note is i needed to break off a newly formed email conversation with someone - I had some strange gut feeling and just needed to.
Being kind and generous does not mean you allow yourself to be taken advantage of.
Our current guest has become a part of the house, doing chores and helping out.
it help him (by making him feel useful) and us.
The service had one quote which stuck with me something attributed to St. Francis, "preach often, sometimes use words."
Whether you like how i am coming across or not, it is me you see, not someone else and what ever I do it is some how centered on what I believe.
I will not say I will always be correct, but I will be true to who I am.

Waking up

Some how, I was asleep.
Not for very long,
but the colors of life had faded
and a deep slumber had taken place.
Was it the snow,
the first that fell and covered the land?
Was it playing with snowballs?
Or was it just preparation for the coming celebration?
I do know I woke up and
my mind was present again.
There were things to do,
colours to see,
life to live.
Even during the sleep,
people said I was doing good.
Was I?
Can one be good while asleep?

Rushed

I have been flat lately,
my posts, shallow;
One dimensional,
about things and events.
Don't leave yet.
The muse is there,
watching, waiting.
Time has gotten the better of me or
rather the lack of it.
The music is in my soul, my spirit.
There is soaring to occur,
but not yet.
Patience, all those who speak in my dreams say.
Yet, I am anxious, nervous for the wait.

It was a good party...

I finally went to a holiday party, the ones at the government center are too late for me and my department is not doing one.
This was with the office of operations and I have many good friends there and i always get invited.
It was fun, there was plenty of food, but no booze because it in the workday. I was brought there by my friend Art and a good time was had by all.
It was good to be seen by these people because i was there last year and they could see and tell me how much better I am doing. it is important that i keep reminding myself because I forget in all the struggles.

I don't think so...

I was not always the way I am today, emotionally and Spiritually that is.
I wanted to be, but I struggled with the "Me First" syndrome a great deal.
I would seem to make progress, but things would pull me back Whether it was fear (I had a great deal growing up), self loathing (lack of encouragement does not help), plain old selfishness (we all have some of that) or any other excuss that i could think of.
I had distractions, I had unmet desires and they became first and prevent me from ever getting where I wanted to be and that was free.
Who would have thought that facing my worse fear (the fear of death) from a tumor the size of my fist would have crystallized my heart and mind so.
There are things i still want, desires I still have,but they do not overwhelm me as much.
At work, I have my science and my knowledge, but i am more concerned with the consequences about those things i find.
I do get shouted down a great deal, because most seem interested in just the facts and how they can not do anything more.
That happens a lot and they wonder why people get mad with them, they are not getting mad with me when I talk to the. I am not surprised anymore.
It was not a good start this morning. My friend, who gives me a ride in the morning had her car die on her. I could not walk because we were plastered with our first snow and it was a good one - 10" or more.
I actually thought it was pretty and even threw some snow balls with some neighborhood kids.
But snow is what is when you need to get to work, tough and I got in an hour late (the bus system failed me this time).
Having compassion for people seems to change your entire outlook, things are not easy, life can be down right hard, but that is not so important.
It is how you face things.

It is 9:10 Friday night and you get a phone call...

In this case it was from on of our "community" in Virginia a friend of a boy (who is now a man) who Franklin adopted many years ago when we first moved to Connecticut was in the homeless shelter in Stamford, sick, could we put him up?
We have a sofa (sleep sofa). I have known this person, who has some child like tenancies and probably some mental health issues, but he is a grown man.
He stayed the night, but would not stay for dinner because he felt he was imposing.
He had been kicked out by some friends he was visiting.
It think he felt everyone one would not want him around.
I think he will be here for Christmas and more...
Then we will see how we get him down to Virginia.

Today was a good day

i did not go in to work today, I went with David for his operation.
The operation, removing his appendix, which was stuck in a hernia, took 20 minutes.
It took longer to recover from the anesthesia, but he was home 5 hours after he went in.
He is doing well.
in the process, i discovered that with out the strain of work on my eyes, I was up doing things until 3 PM, that included some computer work, cooking and cleaning.
That says a lot.
For those of you who are ever interested in such things, John, who is my co-conspirator with this house and ever helpful with driving, tells me i make an awful alcoholic.
he should know, he is 33 years sober and still will not touch anything.
Why that story?
When I am down emotionally, I have zero desire to drink anything.
Why?
When i drink, it is to celebrate and to enjoy the taste, the alcohol is incidental.
Drinking to get drunk has never made sense to me.
So in this time of celebration, I may have a glass (or a half and leave the rest some where forgotten), but it will be in the spirit of celebration, which is what my life feels like it is turning into as of late.

Still one more day to be thankful

Yea, I say it a lot.
That is because I am. I can be thankful for all of you who thoughtfully (or not so thoughtfully) comment on this blog. I have used you and the comments as a source of strength.
I have a group of very loyal and encouraging friends, with out them being in my life, i would not have made it through this year.
I think I added one more, making 8 very close friends who I can count on.
I am thankful for all of them and that is what is important.
I seem to be getting stronger, but am not "pushing it" and I am resting as much as possible.
This actually seems to be working.
The thing that surprises me is how much I have really relied on these people and how much they have given, whether they were able to or not.
Any way a big thank you to everyone, again.

Merry morning

For those of you sending me good thoughts, prayers and energy thank you.
This morning I woke from a delightful dream, \Really!
I was in a place where people from my work were present - that does not sound like a good start, but it was like I was not part of them.
What was I doing?
Being a "roady" for Cindy Lauper at a benefit concert which all my co-workers were some how involved in.
That was fun and it set a great tone for the rest of the day!

Nothing much

I have no great news today and almost was going to bore you with daily activity, but will not.
Today, I am concerned about David, who had an operation scheduled Friday.
It is not a critical operation, but is a very necessary one.
Some how his appendix is wrapped up in a Hernia. Don't ask, David has a very high tolerance for pain and it is not any medication he is on.
The appendix is not infected or ready to rupture, but is sore.
They have to remove it before they can take care of the hernia.
Me I woke up too early, did not really get myself together well, but still did okay.
i am still leaving at 1 PM.

a sticky web.

i awake, with the tendrils of last nights dreams caressing my face,
sticking to my waking mind like spider webs caressing my face.
They are not unpleasant, but bring me to tears.
My kitty cat of 17 years was there,
talking to me ...
as only a cat may to those who are possessed by them.
"It is not time yet", he said,
"but soon, it will be".
In the dream, I tried to coax him back,
with pieces of fresh lobster, some kind of supreme treat, I guessed,
But he stayed away,
"Not yet, but soon."
"Be patient."
How of't I have heard these same words in my life.
for the finishing of my recovery, for the desire for a companion, for a change in location.
I woke not knowing if I should cry or rejoice.

Searching for memories

As I search for memories from last year,
a new door seems to have opened.
One older and further away,
They are glimpses of things,
both wonderful, fun and meaningful.
Last year is still missing,
but years past, things of joy and happiness no longer are missing.
They bring me up in this strange time,
of joy and wonderment.

They are very important,
I do not know how i came to be who I am.
They describe some of it for me.
The nightmares, the blackness from my past,
is being replaced by this happy time.
They are real, not fantasy,
Just as those dark memories are real and not nightmares.
It is changing a balance, toward the good.
I wonder because a sermon I heard was on speaking blessings,
I never heard them, I did not know my dad thought so much of me until after his death.
But I became someone, actually someone important,
with knowledge and reason that defies what was not said.

I now travel this unusal road that I am,
this road of recovery, seeing good changes,
but knowing I can not push myself, ut I want to do more.
My HEART Wants to do more.
There are limits to what a body can do,
but not so a heart.

See the muse is not dead, it is not hidden, it is with me all the time,
ready to come out with out notice and I am happy.

Little ol' Greek baker, Me???

I figured I scared everyone off with my tiraids of late and discriptions of having the H1N!, so this is a bit lighter, Really!

I started my great experiment last night. I tried to make baklava.
I had an old Greek cookbook and memories of making them when I was in my preteens to guide me.
The cookbook had several glaring errors in it (according to my memories and some older Greek bakers) and so I finageled.
There was also an attempt to do something very different, using non-Greek ingredients (mincemeat).
The verdict?
From a panel of 4 distiguished eaters of food - 3 from my house and 1 visitor -

drum roll please....

A resuonding success!

What did I change?

I only used clrified butter in the process, no oil.
I used oragne flavor honey syrup (that i made myself) instead of lemon.
I used 7 layers of buttered fillo leaves then 3 of the nuts then 7 more (the book had 6 and I can not imagine why).
The mince meat was mixed with enough nuts that I did not have to deal with it being too sweet.
So 2 down and I will be doing more later, That was just plain great.

H1N1 - a description of having it

Having the H1N1 influenza virus - it was not fun and i am better, but I thought a quick description would help.
I felt it coming, the slowly feeling like I was losing energy and then the phlegm and then the coughing and coughing.
For 2 days I coughed a great deal.
My lungs hurt.
There was fever, 101.9 for a night.
Then all I could do was sleep.
2 full days of this and slowly the phlegm stopped forms - that took another several days and of course had to go secondary with a bacterial infection.
Cleared that up with antibiotics.
This was no simple virus, no simple influenza. This was intense and rough. Do not mess with it, the vaccine is available, get it!

Experiencing Life.

It has been cold finally and it is strange for me to say it.
I do not like cold weather, yet this year, i want to experience it.
I could not tell you what last year was like, cold, wet, snowy or anything, it is only a blur in my mind.
My mind was focusing on getting better, becoming me again after having lost me.
I want to see snow.
I do not like the snow that happens in Stamford, it becomes ugly and dirty and create dangers and difficulties getting around, yet I WANT to experience it.
I have other strange things happening - I FEEL people's presence, when they are near or far, if they are in trouble or not, what their mood is, what they are going through.
It is not like seeing their face and knowing, it is like knowing they are around a corner and what is going on with them. It is kind of intense.
Is all of this because of the loss of a tumor?
Or is it because of a loss of my self for some indeterminable time period?
Or is it just that my heart has been wakened from a long slumber?
I do not have an answer, but it is some of the changes I like.
Tonight, as a celebration, i am attempting to make Baklava.
I think that is an appropriate way to celebrate.

Its cold, but I am better

Well the incendiary e-mails stopped, my mind is in a better frame of mind and it is cold outside, so nothing has anything to do with each other.
I do not like explaining my spirituality, it is more action than an explanation and these past couple of posts have been a bit strange to me.
The easiest way is describe a situation, I know someone who has had a rough time the past few years, but will never ask for anything.
On occasion, as I talk to them, I find out things.
Like they had to spend a thousand dollars on car repairs just before Christmas and so will not even have a tree,
Of course i bring that up at at house and we will be getting them a tree (artificial with decorations and some simple gifts) and food for Christmas dinner.
The person is proud, but has learned that unlike many other people, if I give something,i do not expect anything back.
I have to pry to find out their needs so I am sure there is no "using' going on.
That is my spiritually.
I will always keep tabs on them during the year to make sure they have food in the house because there are times they do not (3 children involved here).
If they were Jewish, I would get what ever was appropriate for their belief. They do not have to be anything, just someone in need.

I am still a bit off the wall

These E mails still are getting to me. The last one was not so hateful, but it missed something important.
For those who read this and do not claim to be "christian", this tirade really does not pertain to you.
Those others, well read on.
We as a people or race like to blame everything on someone or something else.
We do not like to take responsibility for much of anything, yet in reality, most of the things we complain about, especially in this country, can be laid squarely at our own feet.
The lastest is to blame some organization for trying to take Christ out of Christmas, yet when the stores opened on Sundays, we were very happy and flocked to them, basically telling them we did not believe in a day of rest.
When the Christmas displays kept showing up earlier and earlier, we bought early, telling the stores that Christmas was only a commercial holiday and had no religeous significance.
Christmas is only a day, among many and is really not a particular day anyone was born, but a day some church fathers decided that such a day would be celebrated.
Giving is for every day, niot just for this holiday.
Ask the food pantries that serve those without. Thanksgiving and Christmas, their pantries are full, but coem summertime, they are begging for donations.
Enough of my stupidness.
I like to celebrate and I do enjoy this time of year and no one can take my spirituality out of this season, except me and I choose to embrace it!

Feeling better - really

Mu current discipline of leaving at 1 PM is paying off. After getting home and resting, I seem to be able to do more and then I can actually watch TV, without my eyes hurting.
I have to stick to my program, because what was going on when I was pushing myself was not good.
So slow and easy is the way I get to go.

Hate

I have been receiving some what regular e mail correspondence from a fairly religious conservative.
The E mails are filled with hate and disgust.
I am saddened by that.
That was never Christ's message (even for those who do not believe he was anything, the message still stands).
As commercialized as Christmas has become, as watered down as it has become (it is after all a "stolen" holiday, like Easter, from pagan ritual days), it is above all a time of celebration, of Joy, of peace.
Anyone who uses the name Christian should be in that place of proclaiming all the things we are thankful for, not the things that make us mad.
There is enough anger in the world as it is.

My heart stopped beating for just a moment, but now I am back.

The strangeness of the past week appears to be past, I looked on the calender and it was a year ago today that they put me under and shut off the pump which was removing the Cerebral spinal fluid and i woke up knowing who i was with both my heart and mind aware, together.
I still do not recall last Christmas, but i remember the one before and I remember last New Years.
I suppose there was so much trauma, that some memory will be skipped.
I knew i was unable to cook Thanksgiving dinner last year and so made up for it this year.
Christmas, I made a few wedding cookies, but they were not that good.
This year I have my plan and am going Greek!
I remember making baklava and other wonderful things with my mother growing up, and so this year i will be making some of my own twists on the traditional.
Baklava, with pecans and mincemeat?
Tiropitta (cheese in filo) with some different syrups, almond, orange and plain.
Maybe Spanakopitta.
Kourambietes and kouloria.
Some candied citrus peels.
Those I will give as gifts and have around the house also.
I go Italian (somewhat) on Christmas eve with fish and probably a pork loin for christmas.
I think i am getting excited!

Memories of darkness by my heart from a year ago.

Darkness swirls around me,my heart is confused.
The memories the mind makes,
are missing.
No record to show that time,
that makes my heart tremble so.
Words written are confusing and jumbled,
not clear and give no indication of the trauma.
No spooky Halloween,
can match the terror.
No movie match the suspense,
created at that time.
At was real and not a nightmare,
but like a nightmare,
it lingers at the edges of my mind,
waiting watching.
Clouds and mist and no light,
not sunlight, not moonlight,
and no stars penetrated that fog.
Only time shows its face
and soon it will be past.

Dreams and perceptions

The dream was charged with action,
Aliens, violence, death.
Not the stuff that makes for a restful night.
She appeared in a doorway,
"Are you alright"? she queried.
She nodded her head, knowing i was.
"I'll check on you later." and she vanished out of sight.
The remainder of the night was peaceful.

I hear voices, they are not dreams, but real.
It is David, but the voice does not fit.
He sounds older than he should.
I have been stuck in time,
Where David is still 30 and I am 26.
We all seem so much younger in my mind's eye, time has not aged us.

Agelessness is an awesome thing.
I no longer know how old I am.

In a few days, it will be the anniversary of my "fall", the one which put me in the hospital still one more time.
This fall put an end to the nightmare of running "a quart low" on cerebral spinal fluid.
Where the shut, put in to remove swelling, worked to well and actually had my brain concave.
I have little memory of last November. I checked my blog and the past is not there either.
most people who saw me said that I acted like some one with severe brain damage, retarded, with slurring speech and slow purposeful movements of my walk.
It was too much and I collapsed on a pavement at a nearby gas station.
The hospital stay was only a nightmare of lights and sounds and worried, frightened people.
These were the people who sat by me afraid for me, worried i would not make it.
A doctor came and shut off the shunt and memory and reason came back to me.
And that was the third time I missed death.
The first the tumor.
The second, the operation and this was the third.
The last thing that i held dear had been taken from me for a season and then given back.
Along with my reason, came my muse, my ability to paint and a sudden ability with free verse.
Emotion came strong making weep at simple things.
I am thankful, very thankful for everything i have.

What the docotor said

Yesterday was my trip to New York for an examine to see what effect her letter had and what was happening with my eyes.
She was a bit bemused by some of the resistance i have been getting about the disability retirement.
She was happy that they stopped the extra work and weekend work.
She was pleased to see that the effect was that my eyes are measurably better, in several ways.
1) the "offset" for the doubleness has decreased, meaning it takes less prism to bring my eyes back into focus. This was even with the fact i went to work in the morning, then to the appointment after a rest.
2) The actual strength of the reading glasses should be reduced.
That was actually amazing, the visual ability of my eyes improved.
She wants me to have more rest and limited exercise.
She said any doctor who say what was going on with me would be amazed at what I am doing.
All good news!