There are many who read and comment and this blog and most of you I read and comment back, some I just read.
The question is why?
What is it about each blogger that attracts me to what they write?
Of course few can actually understand the strange challenge i face daily with the unusual side effects of having a large tumor removed. The fact that my eyes are fairly significantly crossed so that i see double is only part of it. As I move my eyes from side to side, they wiggle, moving rapidly so i can not hold an image still. Of course this is exhausting and the doctors call it a "palsey" of the optic never. Nevertheless, i am adapting and pushing through all of it. I do have what i read from each one of you to thank for the encouragement that i read in each of your stories.
So here is the real list and it is taking me several days to get this correct.
Kevin of Always Home and Uncool is a local Stamford Blogger, a professional writer and although i can not relate to person with children experientially, usually leaves me laughing out loud while reading his blog. Of course he is also dealing with a child who has an severe autoimmune disease. Did i say i learn perseverance from him?
Ricardo at U N L O A D E D is a favorite to teach me perseverance. As an aspiring actor with a lot of talent, it is good to see him get breaks and move forward. Did i say he encourages me?
Barry at An Explorer's View of Life - how do I say courage any better than you have. There is much to learn from you!
jeannette stgermain of mysteries not only is an artist (like i attempt to be) with another website ART NOTES, but also does share some professional insights as a therapist and some of the beauty of California.
Grant at Discombobulatingrant - you are dealing with serious health, money and employment issues in a very unique way, not the way that works for me, but obviously works for you,,,you actually crack me up with your comments. You also show great courage in all that you are facing.
Misalyn of *My Scraps and Patches in Al Ain* -a different world that I have never visited in person, I like to open my perspective. Of course you also write Nurse On Call about being a pediatric nurse and your ability to do this astounds me.
Sardine Mama of Sardines in a Can talks of living in Texas and has long stories that keep my spirits smiling!
With Libby at thoughts...usually with attitude... it some times feels like we are the same coin, but different sides. So many times she seems to be going through the same emotional/soulful/spiritual places as I. Did i say she gives me encouragement?
So many people/ I am glad I can read fast, but not tonight for my eyes bother me.
more tomorrow!
Tes at craftista is living in my home town and some times makes me home sick! One of a large group of Philippina bloggers who have left their country and moved all over the world. I find courage and relate to this a great deal.
betchai at The Joys of Simple Life - i love your travels and your pictures, keep them coming!
Steve Borichevsky at Shooting my Universe one of the many photographic artist that captures things with his camera that always inspire me! And he is sooo good!
Lou at SUBDURAL FLOW also inspires me with her perseverance against a very difficult situation that seems to be okay at this time. I think I am holding my breath when I read her writing.
The Salitype Society - more Philippina persons connecting at one blog posting different things. Some is just awesome! Betchi, Chay, Tes, Cher, Eng, Maricar, MJ Browning, Ruthi and Zen.
Besides some of their culture, they also share a lot of beauty of this world that I do not normally get to see. Their kindness is contagious.
AL at Burnt Chicken Republic gives me more trips to the Philippines with her photos of daily life.
krista at ~my life as i see it~ is an advocate, one who does not talking about the violence toward women. Her courage inspires me.
Enemy of the Republic at Cruel Virgin was one of the first blogs outside of the area i visited and her struggles and insights into life are often very helpful.
Gail at KNOW YOUR "IT'S" also talks of several struggles, one the past one the present and you also encourage me greatly!
The list keeps going and I am not even near my home yet!
Dawn of Extra Ordinary Me . Normal struggles of an extra normal person? Maybe or not, still tha act of learning is your gift to me!
Droomvla at MY HODGEPODGE - another person ksut living! It helps me breath.
Jesusa at Jesusa's Corner - still another learning to love life and all it has to offer! Keep reminding, lest i forget!
Ily at another day in paradise - you see so much and some times your stories make me laugh, some times cry. Your painting also inspires me to keep going! Of course reading about a warm place in the winter is very helpful as well!
Artful Chica at ARTFUL CHICA'S STUDIO - another artist! i like artists!
EastCoastLife at eastcoastlife now you are dealing with still one more thing and you are making the best of it! That helps me with the "one more thing!"
Woman in a Window at In Through The Back Door if there is one person who i can blame for awakening the freestyle poet in me, it is you. This blog and your other WOMAN IN A WINDOW have set my soul on fire in ways that i can barely describe,
Suma CM at Cogito Ergo Suma :: Suma's Art Blog - a closer to home artist who posts her watercolor sketches of the places she visits. I like to go places that way.
Bruce Coltin at Coltin1948 spins long stories of things that (i believe) are true in a marvelous and entertaining way! We all need this kind of entertainment because the stories are inspirational!
thailandchani at Finding My Way Home deals with things i do not think i could and so i also learn a great deal from her.
Lori at Clarity in muddy waters struggling with grief and all the stones that life can throw at you. You encourage me in the way you work through all those struggles!
sweetmango at sweetmangoLOVE perhaps i love your Buddhist nature or that you live Australia or that you talk about Love in the midst of pain. It all works...
Annie Coe at Blissful-Bohemian - you live in my favorite part of the world and you are an artist and you have such compassion, That is what I learn from you!
We start to get to people who write more on my area...
matthew houskeeper at SOUNDBOUNDER you talk all about the Long Island Sound i only see a part of (plus you post inspirational pictures!).
patty at the WingDangDoo has been encouraging throughout my ordeals and i love when she does write.
For news around town I look to StamfordNotes at Stamford Notes, Streets of Stamford at Streets of Stamford, Strictly Stamford at Strictly Stamford!, Stamford Talk at Stamford Talk: Eat, Think, Drive, Blog!, JT at BlogStamford, and and occational poster lvtfan at StamfordCT.
People who have not written much lately and that i miss terribly include cherie at This Side of Town, Julie at Trials and Tribulations, Mel at Thinking Aloud, azure at Pheromone Girl Grows Up and Medha at Medha's Momesty.
There are a few left that i look at occasionally, but most of you are up here because you have captured my heart.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
lessons forgotten
Some times we have to remember the important thigns.
Anger and fear are compatible,
anger and love are compatible,
Fear and love never mix.
Some times i get overwelmed by the many things on my palte
and I forget the most important lesson of all.
The one that knocked me off my feet, untill i learned it.
Always, Always be thankful.,
it is what keeps me above ground.
Anger and fear are compatible,
anger and love are compatible,
Fear and love never mix.
Some times i get overwelmed by the many things on my palte
and I forget the most important lesson of all.
The one that knocked me off my feet, untill i learned it.
Always, Always be thankful.,
it is what keeps me above ground.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Do I dare?
Some time ago (it seems like forever because it was before the tumor operation), I was given a talking to about my blogging by the now former director of health.
It was obvious in the conversation he wanted no work related information, including public health department notices (for example flu shot clinics) and environmental issues.
I simply refused, i knew i was the "expert" on the environment (that is why everyone asks me for information) and i also was the person passing most of the information out to the public. I realized i could not talk about the stupid office games that went on, but that was okay with me, it was not as important.
I separated my blog so environmental issues could be posted there (Joey K on the Environment) and continued.
Today was the Health Directors last day and it obvious he did not like the job, he does not want to ever look back and really, really wants to get out of here.
I am glad he has another job and i am glad he is out of here also.
I was always told never to burn bridges, but there were enough "burning bridges" comments through out the day that i actually feel sorry for him. This was not his thing, i hope he is going to something that is.
It was obvious in the conversation he wanted no work related information, including public health department notices (for example flu shot clinics) and environmental issues.
I simply refused, i knew i was the "expert" on the environment (that is why everyone asks me for information) and i also was the person passing most of the information out to the public. I realized i could not talk about the stupid office games that went on, but that was okay with me, it was not as important.
I separated my blog so environmental issues could be posted there (Joey K on the Environment) and continued.
Today was the Health Directors last day and it obvious he did not like the job, he does not want to ever look back and really, really wants to get out of here.
I am glad he has another job and i am glad he is out of here also.
I was always told never to burn bridges, but there were enough "burning bridges" comments through out the day that i actually feel sorry for him. This was not his thing, i hope he is going to something that is.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Pebble in my shoe
My mind has been looking into the deep recesses of my soul
and finding the reasons for the me.
Although the issues appear to have caused pain,
I have found reasons for growth and joy.
Two views,
Two conflicts,
you were never right.
Being wrong was unacceptable.
Not being "okay" was not okay.
Of course this allows me to now look at a single object in many ways!
(And of course my vision allows me to do the same!)
But to accept and then surrender to "I am NOT okay"?
I road I must travel as if having a pebble in my shoe.
and finding the reasons for the me.
Although the issues appear to have caused pain,
I have found reasons for growth and joy.
Two views,
Two conflicts,
you were never right.
Being wrong was unacceptable.
Not being "okay" was not okay.
Of course this allows me to now look at a single object in many ways!
(And of course my vision allows me to do the same!)
But to accept and then surrender to "I am NOT okay"?
I road I must travel as if having a pebble in my shoe.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
The wrong side of the coin or the bed
My more analytical side has been more active lately and it has a down side, it lets my emotions down.
As a result I have not been in the best of emotional states as of late.
I also started a new painting, but have stopped kind of mid stroke.
The scene was of a meadow with daffodils and although the scene inspired me greatly, before the operation, it came out like some 2 year old crayola drawing. It was my final straw that stopped me from painting.
It is scene I was inspired by and did wondrous things for my spirits and I could not express it.
It is much better this time, but I need to take time for details and have not felt time to get into it lately.
I know I will, but every thing takes time.
As a result I have not been in the best of emotional states as of late.
I also started a new painting, but have stopped kind of mid stroke.
The scene was of a meadow with daffodils and although the scene inspired me greatly, before the operation, it came out like some 2 year old crayola drawing. It was my final straw that stopped me from painting.
It is scene I was inspired by and did wondrous things for my spirits and I could not express it.
It is much better this time, but I need to take time for details and have not felt time to get into it lately.
I know I will, but every thing takes time.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Still more fun at work...
Since the current health Director is leaving Friday, an interim one will be installed by the mayor until the final decision is made and a contract signed.
I am not one to beat around the bush nor do I seem to pull any punches.
I went up stair to the office of operation, to a person who the new mayor relies on heavily and told them who i thought would be good...
My boss, the Lab Director, told be today that the Current health Director will be showing the mayor around the department on Friday in the morning. He discussed a name that came up in an abbreviated staff meeting and i told him what I had done.
He said "That's very bold of you."
In my head, I went huh?
I live in this town, I work in this town, I know the mayor and have no trouble opening my big mouth, about anything.
I really do not have anything to lose.
I am not one to beat around the bush nor do I seem to pull any punches.
I went up stair to the office of operation, to a person who the new mayor relies on heavily and told them who i thought would be good...
My boss, the Lab Director, told be today that the Current health Director will be showing the mayor around the department on Friday in the morning. He discussed a name that came up in an abbreviated staff meeting and i told him what I had done.
He said "That's very bold of you."
In my head, I went huh?
I live in this town, I work in this town, I know the mayor and have no trouble opening my big mouth, about anything.
I really do not have anything to lose.
Monday, February 22, 2010
A first
For the first time, toward the end of my day,
my boss saw me rubbing my head above my eyes and asked what was wrong.
My eyes hurt, I replied.
He replied, "do something that doesn't strain your eyes."
It was the first time he noticed just how hard it is for me.
All is good for the world, today.
my boss saw me rubbing my head above my eyes and asked what was wrong.
My eyes hurt, I replied.
He replied, "do something that doesn't strain your eyes."
It was the first time he noticed just how hard it is for me.
All is good for the world, today.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
I think i am having fun with this.
Again the same person sends me another e mail, this time about how a scientist is having second thoughts about global warming.
What they do not realize is scientist are bred to question EVERYTHING!
That is the nature of science. Big deal!
It is funny how boxed in peole are.
Global warming and climate change are more apt to be shown in unusual variations in weather, but I am just spewing. The reality is the "news" is fairly useless to me.
What they do not realize is scientist are bred to question EVERYTHING!
That is the nature of science. Big deal!
It is funny how boxed in peole are.
Global warming and climate change are more apt to be shown in unusual variations in weather, but I am just spewing. The reality is the "news" is fairly useless to me.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Responses
I have some one emailing me again with extremely divisive "information".
The last one was "Which side of the fence or you?"
The E-mail is a chain being sent along conservative lines misses something still again.
I simply responded: "Why the fence?"
To me, the issue becomes simple as someone attempts to polarize people and "conquer" them, the best way is to divide people.
That is what I perceived the end intent of this "story" was.
If you divide us enough, all that is left if me and me can not stand very long.
The liberals end up hating the communist, the socialist, the right-wingers, the conservatives, the tea party, the John Birchers, etc and it goes with each group, sub-dividing until there are only solitary people believing firmly in only them selves.
That will be the sad day.
The last one was "Which side of the fence or you?"
The E-mail is a chain being sent along conservative lines misses something still again.
I simply responded: "Why the fence?"
To me, the issue becomes simple as someone attempts to polarize people and "conquer" them, the best way is to divide people.
That is what I perceived the end intent of this "story" was.
If you divide us enough, all that is left if me and me can not stand very long.
The liberals end up hating the communist, the socialist, the right-wingers, the conservatives, the tea party, the John Birchers, etc and it goes with each group, sub-dividing until there are only solitary people believing firmly in only them selves.
That will be the sad day.
Enough of the snow...
Enough of the snow!
For in this little town it is not pretty and white,
but dirty and disheveled!
Not mounds of smooth unmarked land covered in its glistening,
but tire marked and mounded with rocks and derbies!
Away with the cold ugly days and nots,
Let Spring come early.
For in this little town it is not pretty and white,
but dirty and disheveled!
Not mounds of smooth unmarked land covered in its glistening,
but tire marked and mounded with rocks and derbies!
Away with the cold ugly days and nots,
Let Spring come early.
Deeper
In this new place,
where lines and divides are no long clear,
I see your face.
There is laughter,
there is sadness,
there is joy and there is a deepness i can not fathom.
It is happening to many people i see,
that obscure knowledge of where a person is at,
but with you it is pronounced.
It is as if i plunge into the very depths of your soul,
feeling what you feel,
knowing what you know.
And there is great hope also,
for your path and mine are very similar in this journey we call life.
I will share all your moments in but an instant,
as I plunge deep, deep into your soul.
where lines and divides are no long clear,
I see your face.
There is laughter,
there is sadness,
there is joy and there is a deepness i can not fathom.
It is happening to many people i see,
that obscure knowledge of where a person is at,
but with you it is pronounced.
It is as if i plunge into the very depths of your soul,
feeling what you feel,
knowing what you know.
And there is great hope also,
for your path and mine are very similar in this journey we call life.
I will share all your moments in but an instant,
as I plunge deep, deep into your soul.
Friday, February 19, 2010
The divides
The lines between light and dark,
waking and sleeping,
Dream and reality,
are blurring!
It is hard for me to know what day it is
or what time it is.
The mange emaciated wolf lay dead at my feet.
I had killed him with my bare hands
after he had tried to kill my duck and lamb and goose
and would not listen to reason.
They were okay, but I felt sorry for him.
This was but a dream.
She asked if I would marry her,
I quickly responded yes
and she said get a ring and laughed.
It was only in fun for she was my friend.
That was reality.
Mucho viento y mucho frio esta tarde!
There was much wind and it was cold this afternoon on my walk home,
That was reality.
She caressed my face and laughed softly,
smiling, holding me tightly,
so it seemed I had no breath left.
That was only a dream.
Day and times are confusing
and I no longer know
if i am in the dark or the light;
awake or asleep.
waking and sleeping,
Dream and reality,
are blurring!
It is hard for me to know what day it is
or what time it is.
The mange emaciated wolf lay dead at my feet.
I had killed him with my bare hands
after he had tried to kill my duck and lamb and goose
and would not listen to reason.
They were okay, but I felt sorry for him.
This was but a dream.
She asked if I would marry her,
I quickly responded yes
and she said get a ring and laughed.
It was only in fun for she was my friend.
That was reality.
Mucho viento y mucho frio esta tarde!
There was much wind and it was cold this afternoon on my walk home,
That was reality.
She caressed my face and laughed softly,
smiling, holding me tightly,
so it seemed I had no breath left.
That was only a dream.
Day and times are confusing
and I no longer know
if i am in the dark or the light;
awake or asleep.
The finale'
In the confusion of growing up with out guidance
or was it too much conflicting guidance?
He created his own boundaries and walls and ambitions,
not to live, but merely to survive.
Who would know what took those boundaries and walls down'
would be death itself?
Bringing not death, but life.
Awakening a gentle soul beneath a hard crust!
And finally....
not just merely surviving...
but living!
or was it too much conflicting guidance?
He created his own boundaries and walls and ambitions,
not to live, but merely to survive.
Who would know what took those boundaries and walls down'
would be death itself?
Bringing not death, but life.
Awakening a gentle soul beneath a hard crust!
And finally....
not just merely surviving...
but living!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Stll More...
I do not know what this is for,
I do not know when this will stop.
I rang Barry's Bell
or rather my bell for Barry,
For an end of suffering and healing.
Not an end of life as we know it, but of a continuation.
For hope and joy.
My life did not end, when it seemed it should.
Someone told me I was an inspiration.
I do not know, I only know a force has been released inside of me that I can not stop and it will not stop.
Confusion, why?
Not why the suffering, because that is a common thread for all mankind.
Rather why the gaps in remembrance?
Why the loss of things that were important for they made up my life.
Pleasant, unpleasant, it is unimportant.
They exist, but not in memory.
Did they happen?
Did the tree make no sound in the forest when it fell because no one was there?
Did the stone not make ripples in the pond because no one saw it?
The time and space are still missing.
I do not know when this will stop.
I rang Barry's Bell
or rather my bell for Barry,
For an end of suffering and healing.
Not an end of life as we know it, but of a continuation.
For hope and joy.
My life did not end, when it seemed it should.
Someone told me I was an inspiration.
I do not know, I only know a force has been released inside of me that I can not stop and it will not stop.
Confusion, why?
Not why the suffering, because that is a common thread for all mankind.
Rather why the gaps in remembrance?
Why the loss of things that were important for they made up my life.
Pleasant, unpleasant, it is unimportant.
They exist, but not in memory.
Did they happen?
Did the tree make no sound in the forest when it fell because no one was there?
Did the stone not make ripples in the pond because no one saw it?
The time and space are still missing.
Continued 3 of...
So in the confusion,
what does one do?
They withdraw,
they read,
they chase butterflies
and they look at all the beautiful things of this world
and wonder...
They brethe,
but they barely live,
except when alone in a place of loneliness and beauty.
They think,
but answers come easy,
puzzles are not
and math becomes simple...
They travel this life not making an impression,
they think,
but thought is not up to them.
it is up to others
and others see value in this life that thinks it is alone.
what does one do?
They withdraw,
they read,
they chase butterflies
and they look at all the beautiful things of this world
and wonder...
They brethe,
but they barely live,
except when alone in a place of loneliness and beauty.
They think,
but answers come easy,
puzzles are not
and math becomes simple...
They travel this life not making an impression,
they think,
but thought is not up to them.
it is up to others
and others see value in this life that thinks it is alone.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Continued
The struggle remained,
but the spirit was strong and would not quit.
Proud and arrogant,
he knew much,
but would not admit to not knowing.
That was folly.
Folly which results in a fall,
not from grace, but into it.
And Life
went
on.
but the spirit was strong and would not quit.
Proud and arrogant,
he knew much,
but would not admit to not knowing.
That was folly.
Folly which results in a fall,
not from grace, but into it.
And Life
went
on.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Prose fiction?
It was a dark and stormy night ...
Okay not really, just kidding.
I think I will stick to free verse...
Okay not really, just kidding.
I think I will stick to free verse...
Monday, February 15, 2010
The experiment
This is a cooking post.
Yesterday I experimented with the concept of mole and i took ideas from many great recipes posted on the internet. The experiment was exquisite and delicious so here is the recipe.
I served this on chicken enchiladas and rice with a salad on the side.
Joe’s mole
My dried chilies (5)
1 medium white onion
1 cup frozen pepper stir-fry mix (yellow, red, green peppers and onions, no seasoning)
4 cloves garlic
Handful of salted roasted almonds
1-tablespoon sesame seeds
3 tablespoons Achiote paste
Canned diced tomatoes
Half a handful raisins
2 over ripe bananas
1 - 5.5 oz bar 90% cocoa bar
1-teaspoon cumin
1-tablespoon chili powder
1 stick butter
1-tablespoon dark molasses
Joe’s chicken leftover stock (taken from any baked chicken and had fat and rich juice)
½ cup sour cream
½ cup half and half
1-tablespoon corn flour (thickener)
Caramelize onions with butter
Caramelize peppers and onion mix with garlic
Soften chilies in butter with chili powder and Achiote paste
Pan roast sesame seeds, almonds and raisins
Sauté bananas
Heat diced tomatoes with cumin and then add each of the mixtures.
When just boiling, lower heat and add broken chocolate pieces and stir.
Add molasses, chicken stock and 2 cups water (because my stock is very strong).
Continue to simmer for 1- 2 hours.
Strain through a course sieve and chop the course items (use a blend or use food processor on low power).
Add back to the liquid and add sour cream and half and half.
Stir well and add corn flour to thicken slightly.
Top enchiladas, chicken fish, meat with it and serve,
Yesterday I experimented with the concept of mole and i took ideas from many great recipes posted on the internet. The experiment was exquisite and delicious so here is the recipe.
I served this on chicken enchiladas and rice with a salad on the side.
Joe’s mole
My dried chilies (5)
1 medium white onion
1 cup frozen pepper stir-fry mix (yellow, red, green peppers and onions, no seasoning)
4 cloves garlic
Handful of salted roasted almonds
1-tablespoon sesame seeds
3 tablespoons Achiote paste
Canned diced tomatoes
Half a handful raisins
2 over ripe bananas
1 - 5.5 oz bar 90% cocoa bar
1-teaspoon cumin
1-tablespoon chili powder
1 stick butter
1-tablespoon dark molasses
Joe’s chicken leftover stock (taken from any baked chicken and had fat and rich juice)
½ cup sour cream
½ cup half and half
1-tablespoon corn flour (thickener)
Caramelize onions with butter
Caramelize peppers and onion mix with garlic
Soften chilies in butter with chili powder and Achiote paste
Pan roast sesame seeds, almonds and raisins
Sauté bananas
Heat diced tomatoes with cumin and then add each of the mixtures.
When just boiling, lower heat and add broken chocolate pieces and stir.
Add molasses, chicken stock and 2 cups water (because my stock is very strong).
Continue to simmer for 1- 2 hours.
Strain through a course sieve and chop the course items (use a blend or use food processor on low power).
Add back to the liquid and add sour cream and half and half.
Stir well and add corn flour to thicken slightly.
Top enchiladas, chicken fish, meat with it and serve,
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Valentines Day confession
Valentines Day is a strange "holiday" to me.
It is some what schizophrenic.
For those in good (and maybe not so good relationships) is is a day of performance.
Things are expected and given and taken as a profession of love.
That is not a bad thing, because people need to remember to say I love you at least once a year, but if it has to be forced, why bother.
I have been on that side of the coin and it was not so bad, but my preference was surprising her with sudden gifts or flowers or diners, they were more real to me and said much more.
So yes I am a romantic at heart, but then there is the other side.
This is the side where one is no in a relationship or in a bad one and nothing happens and nothing is expected and if flowers are given, it is all "Pro forma" with nothing behind it.
That is very depressing and if you have no one, you think there is something wrong with you because you do not have anyone and that is depressing.
I suspect there are some very significant drinking binges that occur at this time because of this situation.
I said, I have been on both sides and now I am on neither.
How?
Love is.
I have 5 very special relationships with the opposite sex and none is romantic. Three will never be because they are married people, but their husband know and respect me, so it will not go there.
The other 2, I do not know where they are leading.
Both are special people and I am most attracted to who they are (or rather who they have become) in the midst of trouble and will not cause them any more until they are ready for a relationship again (if ever), but they are special.
The more important issue is that, If valentines day is a day to celebrate love (and not what its initials stand for, as we joke at STD clinic) then I have loved many times, some times accepted, some times rejected and some time torn asunder by forces way greater than either of us.
I can celebrate that,
I can celebrate that I look to give a little bit of my self (and in that, it means my love) everyday that I ow live. I do not need a special day to proclaim that, it is who I am.
It is some what schizophrenic.
For those in good (and maybe not so good relationships) is is a day of performance.
Things are expected and given and taken as a profession of love.
That is not a bad thing, because people need to remember to say I love you at least once a year, but if it has to be forced, why bother.
I have been on that side of the coin and it was not so bad, but my preference was surprising her with sudden gifts or flowers or diners, they were more real to me and said much more.
So yes I am a romantic at heart, but then there is the other side.
This is the side where one is no in a relationship or in a bad one and nothing happens and nothing is expected and if flowers are given, it is all "Pro forma" with nothing behind it.
That is very depressing and if you have no one, you think there is something wrong with you because you do not have anyone and that is depressing.
I suspect there are some very significant drinking binges that occur at this time because of this situation.
I said, I have been on both sides and now I am on neither.
How?
Love is.
I have 5 very special relationships with the opposite sex and none is romantic. Three will never be because they are married people, but their husband know and respect me, so it will not go there.
The other 2, I do not know where they are leading.
Both are special people and I am most attracted to who they are (or rather who they have become) in the midst of trouble and will not cause them any more until they are ready for a relationship again (if ever), but they are special.
The more important issue is that, If valentines day is a day to celebrate love (and not what its initials stand for, as we joke at STD clinic) then I have loved many times, some times accepted, some times rejected and some time torn asunder by forces way greater than either of us.
I can celebrate that,
I can celebrate that I look to give a little bit of my self (and in that, it means my love) everyday that I ow live. I do not need a special day to proclaim that, it is who I am.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Valentines Day stuff ♥
A rose I painted some time ago.
I do not have anyone special coming over, but i think it is okay cause the person is Not a romantic and does not like the games that have been played by others.
I actually respect that a great deal, because I gave up on the games a long time ago and have missed out on some very miserable and shallow people because of it.
If my experiment works, they will be invited over, but i will not play them as a Guinea Pig!
♥, flowers, hugs and kisses for all!
2 rambles
As I work with the various things going on in my head and heart, these words keep running through my head:
Seek first the kingdom of heaven"...
I truthfully have heard these words many, many times before and I know I did not understand or even come close to comprehend them.
"and its righteousness"...
Only words of a song written by some one quoting words that were written thousands of years ago.
Some how it seems to make sense to me now, for as I want, it seems that those wants have changed.
"And it will be given to you"...
The words are attributed to Jesus and fit with many other things He said,
"Ask and it will be given"...
"The meek are blessed" ...
My radical roommate would tell me these were words used to control the masses by the church.
but to me they are much more powerful for they spell peace for my soul, my spirit and i quest that more than any thing.
And I want, but not the beauty or the power of this world, but the kindness of and in people.
There are times i get to see it and it is these qualities that i pursue.
Seek first the kingdom of heaven"...
I truthfully have heard these words many, many times before and I know I did not understand or even come close to comprehend them.
"and its righteousness"...
Only words of a song written by some one quoting words that were written thousands of years ago.
Some how it seems to make sense to me now, for as I want, it seems that those wants have changed.
"And it will be given to you"...
The words are attributed to Jesus and fit with many other things He said,
"Ask and it will be given"...
"The meek are blessed" ...
My radical roommate would tell me these were words used to control the masses by the church.
but to me they are much more powerful for they spell peace for my soul, my spirit and i quest that more than any thing.
And I want, but not the beauty or the power of this world, but the kindness of and in people.
There are times i get to see it and it is these qualities that i pursue.
Friday, February 12, 2010
the real truth
I gave you kindness and expected nothing in return…
Who am I kidding?
I looked to find someone with a like-minded heart.
Someone who would walk with me a while…
Who am I kidding?
I wanted more, much more,
but dare not ask for fear of chasing you away.
Do not run away from me.
Who am I kidding?
I looked to find someone with a like-minded heart.
Someone who would walk with me a while…
Who am I kidding?
I wanted more, much more,
but dare not ask for fear of chasing you away.
Do not run away from me.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
What I am about
I have probably had a series of boring posts and I do not expect comments.
This is what it is like when a life threatening situation gets reversed by a very major surgery with complications,
Life changes,
perspectives change,
attitudes change,
what is important changes.
It is not a pretty struggle, but i think the end result will be okay.
It is very difficult and things do not go the way you think they should or in a way you would like.
It forces change.
It forces one to find new ways of dealing with old problems.
It effects all of those around you and most of the time, they can not cope with the change, it is not what they are used to.
So this blog continues to be my journey through an adventure that was not what i wanted and turn out to be something that i was unprepared for.
I am coping and learning and figuring out how to deal.
This is what it is like when a life threatening situation gets reversed by a very major surgery with complications,
Life changes,
perspectives change,
attitudes change,
what is important changes.
It is not a pretty struggle, but i think the end result will be okay.
It is very difficult and things do not go the way you think they should or in a way you would like.
It forces change.
It forces one to find new ways of dealing with old problems.
It effects all of those around you and most of the time, they can not cope with the change, it is not what they are used to.
So this blog continues to be my journey through an adventure that was not what i wanted and turn out to be something that i was unprepared for.
I am coping and learning and figuring out how to deal.
An old struggle
Kicking and punching and screaming and yelling and fighting;
has filled my dreams as of late.
It is not because of what I see (or can not),
what i can not do (or can).
It is a struggle between who i was
and who i am becoming.
The man, who before the operation,
was meticulous and contoling,
full of fear and angst,
is losing ground, but is trying a desperate atempt to regain control.
The man who is coming...
is a man of Kindness and
in kindness there is no fear,
and no need to control,
and no need to worry.
Something programed from birth is the tool that the frighten man is using.
He is found out and the Kind man will prevail.
For only there will i have peace.
has filled my dreams as of late.
It is not because of what I see (or can not),
what i can not do (or can).
It is a struggle between who i was
and who i am becoming.
The man, who before the operation,
was meticulous and contoling,
full of fear and angst,
is losing ground, but is trying a desperate atempt to regain control.
The man who is coming...
is a man of Kindness and
in kindness there is no fear,
and no need to control,
and no need to worry.
Something programed from birth is the tool that the frighten man is using.
He is found out and the Kind man will prevail.
For only there will i have peace.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
My daily tirade as of late...
So today was another mixed day.
We got the snow we have not for a month or so,
but i got into work fine and another person gave me a ride back home.
The machine which gave me fits yesterday, came back to life after I figured the software was messed up ...again.
I am still getting a service visit tomorrow.
My moods have been more frustrated than anything.
I am fairly certain I have been a person who likes to control things and that just is not possible now and it challenges my fears and insecurities. It makes life very difficult for me.
I also think outside the box quite a lot and it bugs me when others do not.
The example is, on a day like this I would like to offer the mail person a cup of something hot as they do their rounds, but others (in this case in my house) are oblivious, the person just does their job and there is no more to be gained from it.
Of course at Christmas time I put a container of the Greek pastries for the mail person, but I can not do the same with something hot (of course silly, it would get cold).
Of well, I will deal and as always get tgrough it and grow some more.
We got the snow we have not for a month or so,
but i got into work fine and another person gave me a ride back home.
The machine which gave me fits yesterday, came back to life after I figured the software was messed up ...again.
I am still getting a service visit tomorrow.
My moods have been more frustrated than anything.
I am fairly certain I have been a person who likes to control things and that just is not possible now and it challenges my fears and insecurities. It makes life very difficult for me.
I also think outside the box quite a lot and it bugs me when others do not.
The example is, on a day like this I would like to offer the mail person a cup of something hot as they do their rounds, but others (in this case in my house) are oblivious, the person just does their job and there is no more to be gained from it.
Of course at Christmas time I put a container of the Greek pastries for the mail person, but I can not do the same with something hot (of course silly, it would get cold).
Of well, I will deal and as always get tgrough it and grow some more.
The good, the difficult and the not so good...
Great day in may ways yesterday, but the evening turned a bit sour.
Felt physically good yesterday.
Walking home I found a bunch of change (and saw it).
An adversary is leaving my work place - that was good news.
I will get back some money from uncle sam.
My shoulder is improving (according to the doctor, but I feel it also).
I will go in today (okay, maybe that is the start of bad news), but the bus does stop very close to where I live and leaves me off directly in front of the government center.
Then came the feelings of being totally dependent...If it had not warmed up to reasonable temperature so I was able to walk, I would have missed the Doctor appointment. It was a long walk in the afternoon, but temperatures were above freezing and the sun was out, so the long walk to the Doctors and back was pleasant.
Because it is not on a bus line, I was in absolute need of a ride to the tax man (and I was afraid I would owe taxes this year (I came close)) and the persons who I am dependent on both were working late, I was being faced with what I could not do.
Then someone tells me I should not go to work today for many really reasonable reasons, but I was not being reasonable. I want to prove I do not need someone for everything I do.
I realize that the statement is stupid, but it is my way of addressing my fears.
My fears that I am stuck having to work another 2 1/2 years under these eyesight conditions before I can "retire".
My fears that I will use up all my vacation time on days and episodes like this,so that when I am able, I will not be able to take time to go down to Va and see my family.
Wanting to go down very badly and being berated in a non-direct way by my mom for not having done so (she can not say it to me directly so she picks a political issue to fight with me about).
Of course during the day the machine went on strike again, this time with a hardware problem, I think we got a lemon.
So again, the good, the difficult and the not so good, all in one day.
I would rather just stick with my muse....
Felt physically good yesterday.
Walking home I found a bunch of change (and saw it).
An adversary is leaving my work place - that was good news.
I will get back some money from uncle sam.
My shoulder is improving (according to the doctor, but I feel it also).
I will go in today (okay, maybe that is the start of bad news), but the bus does stop very close to where I live and leaves me off directly in front of the government center.
Then came the feelings of being totally dependent...If it had not warmed up to reasonable temperature so I was able to walk, I would have missed the Doctor appointment. It was a long walk in the afternoon, but temperatures were above freezing and the sun was out, so the long walk to the Doctors and back was pleasant.
Because it is not on a bus line, I was in absolute need of a ride to the tax man (and I was afraid I would owe taxes this year (I came close)) and the persons who I am dependent on both were working late, I was being faced with what I could not do.
Then someone tells me I should not go to work today for many really reasonable reasons, but I was not being reasonable. I want to prove I do not need someone for everything I do.
I realize that the statement is stupid, but it is my way of addressing my fears.
My fears that I am stuck having to work another 2 1/2 years under these eyesight conditions before I can "retire".
My fears that I will use up all my vacation time on days and episodes like this,so that when I am able, I will not be able to take time to go down to Va and see my family.
Wanting to go down very badly and being berated in a non-direct way by my mom for not having done so (she can not say it to me directly so she picks a political issue to fight with me about).
Of course during the day the machine went on strike again, this time with a hardware problem, I think we got a lemon.
So again, the good, the difficult and the not so good, all in one day.
I would rather just stick with my muse....
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Healing Hands
Hands which have know pain;
you rest your hands gently on my shoulders;
and they give comfort;
and heartache;
and grief.
These are your healing hands.
Hands that have felt trouble;and broken limbs;
and a trembling heart;
These are your healing hands.
Hands which have gone through the turmoil of growth;scaled the high majestic rocky mountains;
and found rest in the peaceful valleys below;
these are your healing hands.
Through all of this,you rest your hands gently on my shoulders;
and they give comfort;
and peace;
and healing;
These are your healing hands.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Liars!
Forget all the problems of the world, the greatest cover-up of all time is being broadcast on the Histroy channel!
It claims that Twinkies have a shelf life of just 2 weeks.
I have heard this lie before and now it is being propagated over cable/satellite TV!
There has been no discernible half life measured from a sample of the first set of Twinkies rolled out in the 1930's.
They are indestructible and will be what aliens visiting this planet will find long after we are gone.
This is a cover-up greater than that of the "National Treasure"!
.
It claims that Twinkies have a shelf life of just 2 weeks.
I have heard this lie before and now it is being propagated over cable/satellite TV!
There has been no discernible half life measured from a sample of the first set of Twinkies rolled out in the 1930's.
They are indestructible and will be what aliens visiting this planet will find long after we are gone.
This is a cover-up greater than that of the "National Treasure"!
.
A day of "it did not"
IT did not snow 2 feet.
It did not even flurry.
I did not paint any of the photos I wanted to.
I did not stay indoors.
I did not cook a comfort meal last nightr.
I did not cook at all.
Yesterday I got a call and something which had been pending for a long time was going to happen.
(I know this almost sounds like Dr Seuss, without the rhyme.)
It was not a bad call, it was the final pull out from Twenty.
The Greeks were finally allowing Scott to pull out His own stuff (furniture, sound systems, decorative items)
Much was already removed (furniture especially), but we packed 2 rent-it trucks full.
We worked from 2 till 9 PM to finish.
And it is now over, save the lawsuits.
While it was some what sad, it also was, to me a final victory in a long struggle.
While waiting for the final phone call that would get us into the closed place, I did a quick paint sketch of inside our house.
The person at the computer is our Christmas Guest who helped mightily with our removal yesterday afternoon. The plant is a Hibiscus and it is huge!
Tonight will do more comfort food, but this morning I made a Greek favorite Pan - Kakis,
The story is an old family one from the late 1930's or early 1940's when an uncle for Greece visited my mom's family in Virginia beach.
For whatever reason it seems that Greeks like to talk long walks in the morning and so my mom's uncle took this long walk down the board walk of Virginia Beach and came back saying that "This Greek fellow, who owns a lot of restaurants on the boardwalk, must be a rich man. They asked who it was and he said his name is every where - pankakis (with of course a heavy Greek accent).
Of course he was talking about the pancake houses.
It did not even flurry.
I did not paint any of the photos I wanted to.
I did not stay indoors.
I did not cook a comfort meal last nightr.
I did not cook at all.
Yesterday I got a call and something which had been pending for a long time was going to happen.
(I know this almost sounds like Dr Seuss, without the rhyme.)
It was not a bad call, it was the final pull out from Twenty.
The Greeks were finally allowing Scott to pull out His own stuff (furniture, sound systems, decorative items)
Much was already removed (furniture especially), but we packed 2 rent-it trucks full.
We worked from 2 till 9 PM to finish.
And it is now over, save the lawsuits.
While it was some what sad, it also was, to me a final victory in a long struggle.
While waiting for the final phone call that would get us into the closed place, I did a quick paint sketch of inside our house.
The person at the computer is our Christmas Guest who helped mightily with our removal yesterday afternoon. The plant is a Hibiscus and it is huge!
Tonight will do more comfort food, but this morning I made a Greek favorite Pan - Kakis,
The story is an old family one from the late 1930's or early 1940's when an uncle for Greece visited my mom's family in Virginia beach.
For whatever reason it seems that Greeks like to talk long walks in the morning and so my mom's uncle took this long walk down the board walk of Virginia Beach and came back saying that "This Greek fellow, who owns a lot of restaurants on the boardwalk, must be a rich man. They asked who it was and he said his name is every where - pankakis (with of course a heavy Greek accent).
Of course he was talking about the pancake houses.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Am I who i say I am?
The world of blogging has done much to bring to birth a side that had long remained hidden,
coming out only to paint a few pictures and not much more.
This unusual, creative side is fun, spontaneous ad full of surprises, both light and dark.
I think it has been one of the main reasons that I can handle this "forever" recovery.
There is another side of me, very geeky.
It comes out often at work and people think I am strange because of it.
Well, the truth be told, I am strange, but both sides of me are melding now and I actually enjoy the slight insanity.
Some simple examples
By the way, tonight is a comfort food night - probably fried (or baked) corn flaked crusted chicken.
coming out only to paint a few pictures and not much more.
This unusual, creative side is fun, spontaneous ad full of surprises, both light and dark.
I think it has been one of the main reasons that I can handle this "forever" recovery.
There is another side of me, very geeky.
It comes out often at work and people think I am strange because of it.
Well, the truth be told, I am strange, but both sides of me are melding now and I actually enjoy the slight insanity.
Some simple examples
- I started dancing around when my new instrument had a linearity range from 0.05 mg/L (parts per million) to 50 mg/L with an r coeficient of 1!
- Getting to analyze things I have not been able to do causes spontaneous laughter.
- I get really mad when people show total lack of concern for others from the things we find out at the lab "It's not my job" is unacceptable.
- I get a kick about having a different position, because of what I understand, from the rest of the people. I can get very passionate defending it.
- Figuring out computer problems before our IT department can respond is something to crack open the champagne!
- Writing a piece of complicated code (Visual basic only) that does exactly what i want it to is another cause for yelping and clapping.
By the way, tonight is a comfort food night - probably fried (or baked) corn flaked crusted chicken.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Smile
She smiled at me
And her smile touched my soul;
Brightening and warming cold places in my heart
like the sunlight brightens and warms a room.
It was not forced, but came easily, naturally.
In that, she gave me comfort
so the cold of the world
did not touch me
the remainder of the day.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
North Wind
A cold North wind is blowing.
It howls through the houses.
Last night the snow fell again,
covering everything in a blanket of white.
In THE City yesterday,
more good news;
From really bad tests in Sepatember,
The doubleness of my vision continues to improve.
While the doctor agrees that work is where i am worn down,
it no longer inhibits my progress.
The recovery delayed,
is now a work in progress.
I use what the lab has to do my eye exercises.
The circumstances of difficulty, to grow.
I still ask for help,
but I get no answers.
It angered me once and at times still does,
but I struggle through it now and do the best i can,
i can do no more than that.
The cold north wind blows strong today,
I,
I sit by a warm fire.
It howls through the houses.
Last night the snow fell again,
covering everything in a blanket of white.
In THE City yesterday,
more good news;
From really bad tests in Sepatember,
The doubleness of my vision continues to improve.
While the doctor agrees that work is where i am worn down,
it no longer inhibits my progress.
The recovery delayed,
is now a work in progress.
I use what the lab has to do my eye exercises.
The circumstances of difficulty, to grow.
I still ask for help,
but I get no answers.
It angered me once and at times still does,
but I struggle through it now and do the best i can,
i can do no more than that.
The cold north wind blows strong today,
I,
I sit by a warm fire.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
fascinating
I had dozens of names for this post, fascinating, the way things work, confusions, Clarity? Catch 22, the egg or the chicken and the chicken or the egg and many, many more.
I just finished visiting the social security office to under stand how Social security disability works.
The story is like this; in order to apply for my works disability retirement, I should get social security disability first. In order to get social security disability, I need to not work. if I do not work, not only will I not have medical insurance, but i will no longer be eligible for disability retirement because I will no longer be working. it will take 6 months for social security disability to kick in, which means i will not have an income for those 6 months. i seemed to be trapped.
On the other hand, Working 26 hours a week and taking the rest in my own sick and vacation time, has my vacation time actually increase each month and i get all my medical insurance coverage, which is very good.
No one seems to complain,except my boss gets aggravated, I think. So if I continue this track, I can retire from the city in 2 and 1/2 years with a decent pension and in 7 1/2 years retire through socail security and get a enough to live on.
I am not sure if it makes sence, but that is what i seem to put together.
I just finished visiting the social security office to under stand how Social security disability works.
The story is like this; in order to apply for my works disability retirement, I should get social security disability first. In order to get social security disability, I need to not work. if I do not work, not only will I not have medical insurance, but i will no longer be eligible for disability retirement because I will no longer be working. it will take 6 months for social security disability to kick in, which means i will not have an income for those 6 months. i seemed to be trapped.
On the other hand, Working 26 hours a week and taking the rest in my own sick and vacation time, has my vacation time actually increase each month and i get all my medical insurance coverage, which is very good.
No one seems to complain,except my boss gets aggravated, I think. So if I continue this track, I can retire from the city in 2 and 1/2 years with a decent pension and in 7 1/2 years retire through socail security and get a enough to live on.
I am not sure if it makes sence, but that is what i seem to put together.
Monday, February 1, 2010
The truth told
She told me the truth,
that I did not want to hear.
I wanted to stay where I was,
wallowing in my own muckof
pain,
and bitterness,
and self loathing.
I was amgry that she told me the truth.
I did not want to leave,
I was comfortable,
in all of that hurt,
and anger,
and helplessness.
Somewhere deep inside,
reason spoke and i awoke and
ipulled my self out of that mud of my own making and
wshed,
and became clean,
and had hope again.
that I did not want to hear.
I wanted to stay where I was,
wallowing in my own muckof
pain,
and bitterness,
and self loathing.
I was amgry that she told me the truth.
I did not want to leave,
I was comfortable,
in all of that hurt,
and anger,
and helplessness.
Somewhere deep inside,
reason spoke and i awoke and
ipulled my self out of that mud of my own making and
wshed,
and became clean,
and had hope again.
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