Friday, July 31, 2009

Finished for now

My "muse" seems to have taken a short leave, which is good cause I do not know to explain things well using it.
I had some great encouragement this week from a friend a work telling me how well am I compared to when I first came back to work.
This was not a "You look fine, I need something from you now" talk. This was "do you realize how much you have improved?" statement which was very encouraging.
I generally find my greatest support from people who actual work with people instead of those enforcing ordinances.
A picture for you to try to understand.

It is my glasses with the real world over the top and what I see is the both commingled. The images from both my eyes are mot aligned with each other or reality and so I get two completely clear 2 dimensional images on top of one another.
It really is strange.
I am definitely working 6 hours a day, mostly because the eye strain is intense. My other strength is improving.
And just like grant they have me coming in on Sunday for a short stint. It should not be a problem cause I will just rest the rest of the time.
Yes it is coming from those who have no idea of how to comprehend what I am dealing with, everything is really about them.
There is also a strange curse knowing several languages, a friend was talking on the phone with someone I think she is interested in and said I was "feo" or ugly, not handsome.
I thought it would bother me, but I don't care about being pretty or handsome, I am just glad to be alive.
I actually am doing well even with all the rain.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I am not done yet!

I found an answer,
It satisfies me.
Those who are so absorbed in their own world,
Can not see.
Those who's hearts are open,
see everything.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

It Comes

I sit watching people pass by.
Those who think they have lives ignore me,
those who do not look at me with desire.
Why, I have so little to offer,
they can not see, that i do not see.
They walk well and walk past
and I, I sit, waiting.
Patience is not an easy thing.
It is almost a year. since the operation,
That save my life, but took the life I knew
and changed it forever.
It is not easy sitting, but it is what I do best now.
I stand, I stumble.
I walk, I fall.
Those who look with envy, what do they see?
Those who do not look at all, what have they missed?

Monday, July 27, 2009

Strangeness

I am some what strange.
I make these giant intuitive leaps and then realize how much work is involved in proving them.
I had one of those today and I posted the thought on Joey K on the environment.
I am getting used to the fact that no one realizes how tired I am by 1 PM, they bring me samples anyway.
I may have to work Sunday for a few hours.
Have a friend, who goes through many struggles in her life, more than I can imagine.
I know what I want from the relationship - a companion.
I ask, is that what she wants?
No answer back yet, but she wants me as a least a friend.
Last week Monday, I sat on my glasses and twisted them up really badly. I tried to straighten them out and even had a friend try to help (he is an engineer and knows a lot), but I was worn down even earlier because you want to talk about distortion!
Wednesday, my friend took me to a local optometrist, who straighten the glasses for free (they are his glasses, the prisms are not his).
I could see again.
I was very worn out and Thursday and Friday were not that good and Saturday was even worse.
Sunday I washed the prisms with soap and things were even clearer and my energy came back.
Saturday I also had a confrontation with someone who was trying to get way too close, way too fast. They left unhappy, but they left.
I know how much of a struggle I am dealing with because sometimes my mind just plain stops.
That is okay, they have to deal with ti.
I have been dropping back everywhere and it is helping.
I do not need to kill myself, but then I am this curious creature who just can not stop asking, what if?
I also have this need to paint soon, but not quite yet.
I know my subject, but my timing has to be correct.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Circles and Walls

I for whatever reason, have just realised that I have a series of "walls and circles" when it comes to people.
I think most people have them and I am sure that many people realize it, I did not.
When I first meet a person they are either brought inside a wall or left out side. If I think they have a certain level of trust or I think they might be trustworthy they are brought in. This is like a test ground and they might learn some superficial things about me, but it is a wait and see type of thing. I can like them and even care about what happens to them, but do not talk about love or try to be too pushy, they will find themselves on the outside quickly.
As trust begins to build (and time seems less important than activity), I actually test them by telling them about me. I do not necessarily like myself in all aspects, but I do have respect for what I have done. Not everyone would agree.
If that does not scare them off, I begin to trust them and they come into the next level. There is a lot of respect for those people from me and I would do almost anything for them. If they do not make it to this level, they can stay comfortably at the first level.
Then there are those with whom my trust level is so deep they can say almost anything to me and I to them and it will not change the bond, I learn the most from these people.
They are my partners in my life and its path.
I am often surprised at the number of people at these levels, 8 at the deepest level. 4 at the next deepest level level. Many at the second level and the first level constantly changes.
You who read this blog are privileged to learn my mind and heart because I am basically working things out in word as I write, enjoy the ride!

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Clarity

Last night, I was assaulted.
One held me down and the other ...well

Licked me!

Yes, you heard right, the girls are back at our house for a short week long stay.


They look so innocent, don't they?
Their owner/companion is away for a week and they get to stay with their father (not me, him-----> )!

There was a thunderstorm outside and the girls were a bit frightened and I was the one they choose to protest (or was it cower with?)
Anyway I woke up with both in my small bed and well you know the rest of the story.

The Labs are very social creatures and their breeding makes them totally attached to humans.
They love seemingly unconditionally and their desire is to just be with you, touch you and yes in this case, lick me. I had to shower cause I was woken by the one giving me the full face treatment.
They have no ulterior motives, they want love, they will bark to pretend to protect from outsiders (notice pretend, cause these 2 would not hurt a flea) and they want to snuggle. They are confident in love and they want very little else (except a walk and food and to g out, but you get the drift).
To the point, a short time ago some one tried to barge their way into my life. They said many things which were both very aggressive (relationship wise) and made me feel very uneasy.
They wanted some thing, but there was manipulation in all their words.
I knew they had an illness and maybe I could deal, but I could not. Tell me straight forward and if I reject the idea, deal with it, but they beat around the bush trying all kinds of tricks to gain sympathy. I did not fall for it.
I have some mighty strong friends, at work and at home, they do not try to manipulate me, they have been supportive, even when I am having a very hard time.
And then there are the two girls who are staying us us, they remind me what love really is, don't they?

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

A helping hand

I have several people I can count on for extreme support at my job. The first was our first clerical help in the lab, 23 years ago. She had moved on to bigger and better thing in the building, but will drop everything and listen when i come by.
The second is a Reiki master and is a counselor with our AIDS program. Today as I was leaving and was having a particularly difficult time, she stopped, grabbed my head and cleared it in a minute.
The third, who is the most needy, will call if it is raining to give me a ride in and stops just to see how I am. She has lots of needs, is one of the working poor, but cut off her long 3 foot beautiful hair earlier this year to give to cancer patients who had lost theirs.
These are really important people...in my life and my heart. This post is only to ackknowledge their help and to say thanks.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

A day in the Life of the Laboratory

This is going to be a boring post. For those who were ever curious about what it means to work at the lab, today is your day!
I am going to give a blow by blow account of just what it is I am doing. It has been on my mind a while, so much so, I thought I had done a post on it already.
I had a friend give me a ride today and i was glad she called because it was raining out and I hate walking in the rain.
This also means I get in early and I am used to that.
I wait to swipe in (yes we have what is known as a "Kronos" Card something developed because some citizens of this town do not trust its employees to work a full day...if they only knew...), doing mundane things like turning on my computer and reading temperatures a various refrigerators and incubators. I swipe in and proceed to process some samples that came in that I knew could wait yesterday: a report of a person being bitten by something he could not see, so he brings whatever on brown sticky tape all waded up (this is the third time). I take my time, looking through a stereoscope, unfolding the tape with gloves on, but there is nothing again.
I can look through the stereoscope without my glasses, but have to put them on to unfold the tape.
Then a sample I was not satisfied with, brought in by the police complaining of bites at work in the office. Found out as I was leaving yesterday that there are birds nests in the building . I had originally tentatively identified it as a larval tick because it appeared to have 6 legs, but mouth parts were missing. It was captured on scotch tape and was still alive. This time I used the microscope to determine that the 2 things stuck out in front that made it look like a tick, were actually legs. Ah a bird mite! Everyone was so anxious to know yesterday that they ran with a "probably a larval tick" from my verbal statement as I am leaving to go home yesterday. I really do not care. The official report will go out.
The environmental inspector that works with the lab the most (mostly beach, pool and shellfish samples) comes in a tells me what the official rain is overnight.
A phone call comes in from a person in a neighboring town with a mysterious thing happening with his well water. i listen, make an assessment and give a probable answer. I do not think it has anything to do with the well, but rather a "dead" pipe in his house.
A water sample comes in from Stamford, they are worried because they are in some vicinity of Scofield Park. I have to assure them that if there is a problem in the first set of the problems near their house, we will look at it, but houses between theirs and the park have been clean.
Log in the sample and prepare to do some of the work.
Prepare 4 samples brought in from Norwalk harbor, these are interesting samples to me because Norwalk has one of the most difficult treatment plants to manage and these samples may show how difficult. Most of the work was already done on them yesterday (sample holding time and testing is actually critical), but what I am doing today tests a theory that Art Glowka (The Patron Saint of Long Island Sound, look him up) brought to me.
Standardize the pH meter (Every instrument gets verified the day of use to prove to me it is working correctly). Then I read the pH and do an alkalinity measure on the sample that came in first thing.
Another phone call with 2 issues, swine flu and Lyme disease testing and treatment. I listen and give all the info I know of and end up reassuring the person that things are not to panic over. It seems to happen often.
It is now 9:30 Am, I have been working a bit over an hour and a half. It is time for a break.
No partner again today, I believe she may be sick and I hope it is not a problem with her mother. I go down to the cafeteria for 15 minutes and close my eyes while having coffee and a danish.
Time to read the bacteria plates from yesterday's Norwalk Harbor samples, 12 plus a positive and negative control for each organism (4). Each organism is grown differently and each colony represents one organism from the original sample and each is different. I record them and realize that I have not recorded the insect samples that came in yesterday and do so.
I am now setting up for 4 more tests; Chlorides, nitrate-nitrogen, nitrite-nitrogen and phosphate. The well sample has all of them since the person is worried about fertilizer getting into the well. The Norwalk Harbor samples will only have the chloride test done, but I have to dilute 100 fold.
Each test has a blank and a standard, one duplicate sample and a "standard addition" to a sample to assure everyone I am doing thing correctly. This is for the chloride test (it is a titration).
The nitrate, nitrate and phosphate test are colorimetric tests check using a spectrophotometer and I must set up a "line" of known standards to verify my work, a minimum detectable standard, a standard in the mid range, a high range standard and a standard at the maximum level readable.
Another sample comes in, just for bacteria though and that goes in the refrigerator waiting its turn.
What about my coworkers you ask? Well the office support person is doing "Front desk" duty for the health department and so is not in the lab, The clinical chemist is at a "well child clinic" taking blood samples and my lab director is at a Department head meeting. So I am alone.
Another person comes into the lab. they have to wait till I finish setting thing up.
They want sample containers to test their well for possible bacteria. That was quick.
Another phone call wanting to know is we are interested in a skunk that died on a persons front porch. I have to tell him it would only be if some one were exposed to the saliva of the skunk that we would get involved and then i tell him how to dispose of it.
Some tests have time constraints and I start running those before anything else happens.
I need to input thing into the computer. All the database are in access and i created them. Often I see something that could be improved and do so. Today was no exception and into the VBA code I go and fix things up nice and tidy.
Print a report from bacteria tests i read today on a well and put it on the office support person's desk for later mailing.
Rad all my values on the tests I am doing a put them into a log book. Later i will enter them and get results for each sample.
Another call from a neighboring town. Today they are bringing me only 2 samples, the rest i find out later they will send up to the state lab (maybe they got mad that i rejected those unannounced samples last week). That is okay. Nitrite and phosphate tests are done, Now i get to Wait for a cadmium reduction column to change the nitrate in the samples to nitrite, so i can read them, this is a slow process. I enter raw data so i can get my results on the other tests.
After the nitrate test I bring out the plates for the neighboring beach samples so they can warm up.
I read our own beach plates from yesterday and need to confirm 2 samples because they may have high enterococcus values. i doubt it because there are no fecal coliforms from the samples, this will take 20 more minutes.
I set up my lab ware to be washed. There was a time that we would get interns, not this year. They were always very smart and needed experience, not money. Many (14, I think) went on to become doctors and the like (one even had an experiment on the shuttle)! The girls (too young to be called women) were alweays cute and the boys respectful. i think they all learned something.
And then I set up things that needed to be sterilized.
Restocked my sample bottle supply for the from of the lab.
I read the last of the E. coli plates from the Norwalk Harbor samples and enter the results.
I enter the titration results and print the report. This was incoming tide and it is interesting, outgoing should be really interesting.
The neighboring town's samples come in and I have a few moments to discuss the issues about this set of samples. They might show more of what we found out last week and i am curious.
I det them up and run them with positve and negative conteols and a blank and a split sample.
By this time I am beginning to fade, it is 1:00 PM and everyone has been back from their various outside duties, but it is time for lunch, I am alone again.
This actually was a slow day, some where I was able to get into a discussion on e mail about problems from a sewage spill at a fresh water lake. i had to call to get my certification standard tests' cost and then submit a order. My eye sight issues cost the City an additional $700 from me initially not being able to read numbers correctly (when i was pushing myself too much at the beginning). I got a call form Perkin-Elmer about the replacement costs of an instrument I desperately need to do metals work (the machine died last year and we just got budget money for it). They e mailed the quote, about $50,000. The first machine I went to New Jersey with a friend and got it for free, but it was old and it died last year.
Our Emergency management person came and asked for a copy of the article I just had published in the Journal of Environmental Health. it was 2:00 PM, I was swaying, it was time to go home and rest.

Monday, July 20, 2009

One more time

They tried again today. they tried to take control of my work space. By 9 Am,I was being hit with just about every demand I could have at work. I took a deep breath and they waited. The phones rang and they went into voice mail, People came in and they waited. I finished one thing at a time and then went on to the next. i could tell that made people unhappy, they had to deal. One meeting, a question came out that was so dumb I told the person they would not be allowed to sample on the spot in front of everyone else.
Taking it slow helped, I stayed longer than ever since a year ago (in a few weeks).
I came home and slept, it was good.
Things are looking up.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

A day makes a difference

I went for a walk today and the sleepy Sunday town that was Stamford was not. There was a lot of traffic, a lot of poeple, the little shops on Bedford were open and there was business.
My first stop was looking at the unusual thing they are doing at the Mill River. What a mess! Half way through to what??? Ugh.
Walked further and stopped by Curly's Dinner. It is a hole in the wall, a greasy spoon that serves a true purpose. Their clientele will never be able to go to Napa or Market or Duo. They are not loaded with vermin as the rumors purports. They have fought a successful fight against eminent domain and general harassment from businesses who want them gone. The owners are friendly (and they are Greek as well and women as well) and really do serve a purpose. I know that those in power want the poor and homeless out of Stamford, but while they remain, Curly's will be here.
My walk down Bedford Street found the little farm market (touted as a French market by the powers that be). It was pleasant and not any different than what was at Columbus Park in years past. Fresh produce, baked gods and jellies and a small tea vendor (Ducky Life Tea). All was clean and pleasant and i bought some tea.
A very nice time to be out as it was less humid than the previous 2 days and there was a good breeze.
My only wish is that there would be NO traffic on Bedford (close it! and reroute traffic).

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Finding my limits

I said no to a number of people today.
I was not doing it because I was overwhelmed, I was doing it so I would not be overwhelmed.
I started last night, this "no" saying. It helps.
I was tired when I came home at 1:30 PM, but I was Not overwhelmed.
I have been pushing myself since the surgery in August 2008, I have not stopped.
Today I stopped, waved a white flag for myself and know that is is for my own good that I do so.
I also said yes to a break, the 15 minute one that I am supposed to get, but sometimes do not.
I actually took care of me. I rejected a third set of samples from Darien (accepted 2 new ones because they might tell me and them something important), I said no to a meeting a 8:30 Am and scheduled it for Monday morning. I did not stop my coworker when she started talking about nothing in particular, but that was a good thing, because i might have started to make the media I need for more testing and that would have been a bit much. I was told several times how good I am looking (mostly to wrangle me to do something), I said no anyway.
I think I have found my boundaries, what i can and can not do and how far I can go. I stopped pushing for a while and that was god.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

One of those days

I walk to the shore and wade into the shallow water.
The still water erupts with waves crashing against me.
I flail against them to no avail.
I am hurtled to the sand.
The waves stop and I get up,
bruised and battered, but now standing again.

Today I was overwhelmed. The calls and the samples came pouring in.
There were decisions and advice and actions and in this I am alone. with no one to assist me.
They have their other work to do and it is why while I was out, the environmental portion of the lab came to a super slow down. And there are the ticks and the info on Lyme and beach closures and why and the Scofield Park questions.
Our secretary said that she had not seen it so busy, I was out most of last summer and that was her first summer with the lab.
I got short with one caller who wondered why the hot line had not been changed.
I got a bit put off by some one else who really is not in the zone for the Scofield park wanting those tests for her water.
I was overwhelmed.
Some day I need a day off to get my self recharged.
The weekend is coming.
I could see fine even until 2, but I was wavering when I stood, i went home.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Some one thinks I am sweet!

Sweet! I tell you!
I had a very difficult day, mostly in terms of sheer volume of work and a meeting (yes, Stamford people it was about Scofield Park). More samples from Greenwich Sewage treatment plant outfall, positive tick results to call, mulling over the implications of what i found in the tick database, Darien beaches, well water questions, lots of tick questions and that meeting. My head was spinning, it was good. Today I did not make it pat 1:30 PM, but I accomplished a lot!
Then I come home and after my rest, I find this award:

Sweet! Some actually thinks I am sweet! Well it is from PheromoneGirl and I could not have been made happier! It did make my other wise difficult day easier to handle.
For what ever reason, she liked my Strange Days post, which is actually very funny if you ask me.
I will need to wait to see who is most addicting (but htne most of you are, so I may do the same thing that she did.
Another day is tommorrow.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Perceptions

Mot about my eyes, well maybe a bit. People are telling me I look real good. They see me at work, doing what i used to do. They see me around the house doing things, in the garden, in the kitchen. They see me painting with my water colors.
I was told several times how good I look, one even characterized it at 99%.
There is a misperception. I really am only doing about 60%, but while I am active i am giving everything i have, i guess i could characterize it as 139%.
Of course that mean I go home early and collapse, but people still don't get it. They see me as lucky to be going home early. They think I am doing things they can't because go home early to do things.
Today was a really good day, I was at work till 2 PM. I was inspired, investigating my database on ticks and Lyme disease and symptoms and treatment. At the end, it took me 2 hours to recover, but that is me.
I walked downtown on a beautiful Sunday, I will do it again, but it does tire me out.
I am doing the work that took me 8 hours, in 6. Of course there is no lunch break yet, but that is how much effort I am putting in to this. I am helping people. That is a real plus and some how inspiring some of them who do realize what is going on. That is amazing.
I am ok, but I know that most people do not have a clue how NOT okay I am.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Another Walk about

These beautiful sunny Sundays are bringing the best out in me. I took a walk again to downtown. I keep meeting people I know. A question remains, why do people keep putting money in the meter when parking is free on Sundays and Holidays?
Ran into Rosa again, eating at the newer Peruvian restaurant in town. I said hi, but no more. There is no need. No need to be mean or nasty or ignore her. Just hi and I walked on. There were a few more pepole out, but i was an hour earlier. There were lots of people in the ethnic restaurants (Peruvian and Mexican) not much else. There were people in the park by UConn. There is not much to attract people downtown on a lazy Summer Sunday. Too bad. There was a small parade at the Italian Catholic Chuch by my house earlier, that was mice.
Not art or music during the lazy Sundays. I guess there is no money in it.

Softly on a Sunday morning

After all the flurry of fighting,
the monsters are still there.
No longer looming over me, threatening to devor,
They are at a distance.
Those who have fought this battle before me,
stand by my side, giving me rest.
The battle will resume another day,
but not today.
Today there is peace.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

An unusual Saturday Morning

I have been on a tear. it maybe the unseasonable cool temperatures or it maybe the post full moon madness, but I had to put 2 posts on the environment due to the info that is being spread that sometimes I think is a bit confusing. So I start with my statement about statistics in general and then tackle the new movie on Lyme and then have to deal with the Swine Flu info.
When I finally was finished, I went on the front porch and was greeted by an array of beauty:
Flowers and children. This was good for my soul!
The flowers:




The Children (my neighbors)
.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Contradictions

Like last night having 2 strong Margaritas and feeling better today than I had in awhile.
Or finding that the beach survey was published this month (July) in the Journal of Environmental Health, instead of August (especially since they pushed so hard for the drafts).
Or finding a new friend and making sure she is only a friend, but having some good feeling about her.
(Why only a friend? Well she does exhibit real signs of schizophrenia, but she also went through the same kind of operation I did at the same time, that why!)
(I told you that I would rather deal with people with real diagnosed mental illness (she does) than some of the undiagnosed people in the world!)
Finding the courage to ask Jenny out and not getting a negative responce (that was good enough),
No more than that, but it is enough.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Lolita

We take a break from our usually drab an unusually unexciting posts to introduce a new restaurant that I have become some what involved in. Lolita cosina and Tequila bar is a beautiful break from most of the things we have available here. I just came from the grand opening cocktail party and it was incredible (2 tequilas helped) and the appetizers went from the very great (the plain corn tamale, which was better than all the homemade I have had) to the innovative (a scallop torta) to one boring item out of 20 (the quesadillas). Those in the area, go and enjoy!
A quick addendum, the chef in the place has been train by Bobby Flay. lots of great flavor!

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Strange Days

Today was one and I did not realize how appropriate till I looked up what the 1995 movie was about.
First, only one person tried to run me down on the way to and from work. Most days it is many (give me a paint ball gun will you now Stamford Talk)!
Then i stayed at work until 2 PM (from 8 AM) - another good thing!
There was a employees meeting (with the mayor and Ben Barnes) about the new recycling program, where there is a lot more stuff that can be recycled! I like this a lot!
I got to work on the samples from the gradual outflow from the Greenwich treatment plant, through the harbor and that was fun.
Now for the Strange Days association - As I am walking home on the corner of Washington and Main, I guy says it looks like you are in pain (I was) and was actually seeming to be nice about it and then asks me if I want some Percocets!
Drug dealers on the main thoroughfare!
It got Stranger!
For months I had been dreading meeting the lady who dumped me 2 weeks after being in the hospital. I thought of how i would deal with her, what i would say etc... I was NOT going to be nice.
She comes out of the Polish deli and says Hi and all that meanness was not there. I could not be mean and we a had reasonable conversation. She still looks good and I am not interested, but it is not in my nature to be mean. So much for being a Scorpio.
We will see how the rest of the day goes.

Going too deep

As I seemed to have lost my Stamford people (at least as far as comments go), i will return to my strange explorations.
Monday evening i was faced with an old fear. It is fairly non-descript, so i have no real handle on it, but it stretches back from before i have any memories and has affected many relationships.
Some of its actions are easy to describe, need for control of me, not being able to flow, heck, being frozen in place! These are not interesting and very frustrating, but may be at the source of my conflict between the creative, spontaneous side and my analytical, cautious side.
At this moment the analytical side seems to be taken control, i am not ready for that ride yet.
And yet....

Even tho i see only darkness,
the stars still shine.
Even tho the night is bleak around me,
i know the dawn is just below the eastern sky.

Monday, July 6, 2009

A Walk about Stamford

Sunday afternoon about 4 or 5 I took a walk about downtown Stamford. i did it for the exercise, but discovered some unusual things.
The first is on some of the old sidewalks on the inside portion, there is this odd square shaped piece of marble. I have noted 4 of them. One on main near the senior apartments on the South side of the street. the other 3 are going up the hill from Mill River Rd.

The Mill River is looking like a river now, instead of a cesspool. They need to clean the junk next.
I ran into my friend Paula of "Stamford, the place that work?" or "Strictly Stamford", whatever.
I wanted to be her boyfriend, but she just wanted me as a friend, my loss.

Saw the back door of Il' Falco was opened as always, with no screen door. I know the HD has been there, but nothing has been sited so it remains open for any bug to come in.

Downtown Stamford's restaurants seem much busier than in the past, but this is still a very quiet little town.
One last thing, indeed Paula had it right about Uncle Dia's and the up coming precious. My understanding is that they really took the place apart to get rid of "vermin".
When it opens it should be great!

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Prisons

I am some what well read, in college i was introduced to the book "Gulag Archipelago" by Alexander Solzhenitsyn. It was an English translation (my Russian at the time was not anywhere good enough to read him in Russian and even less so now). What i remember most (besides the horrific descriptions and that it was very difficult reading) was that although he was imprisoned in the worst prison i could imagine, his mind was free.
So I have found the opposite in my life.


There is darkness and I do not see the stars,
There is the dawn coming, but i only see the night.
In all my life , i have imprisoned my my mind.
And now in my struggle, i see.
That which is creative in me seeks to be free.
Time and time again the doors have swung shut,
Yet even now the jailer and the prisoner seek to become one.

It is when this struggle is over that my physical vision will see as one now.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Choices

After looking at everything, i think I am facing an interesting choice.
There seems to be a true see saw motion between the "creative" side and the "analytical" side and i can clearly see it my posts.
The analytical side can be very clear and look at things from many sides, but has an edge to it and in fairly inflexible. I think there can be a touch of arrogance as well.
The creative side is more flexible, flows and is creative in life and situations.
I think the creative side is taking over.
I think this is good.
I think i will see how this turns out!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Observations


I am feeling a bit goofy today so there!
Time to look t what i see and try to understand.

I am doing a post by the same title in the environmental portion so I guess that is what today is.

My 2 eyes see differently. Nothing too unusual about that, every one has slightly different vision between the eyes.
Now for the descriptions: my right eye (the weaker one) sees everything much brighter and crisper than the left. It is extremely noticeable when I look at both images that they produce without my glasses.
Yesterday at 1:30 PM I still had energy, but I could no longer make out words and numbers (very important for my line of work) so I went home. I woke feeling very "Drunk", meaning I was swaying a lot and having a hard time keeping upright (and I had not had a drink). 2 hours past and I was better, so much so I did the large grocery shopping for the house (with help of course!) later on.
Today was a very good day and stayed at work till 2 PM (that is 6 hours of straight work) and had no problems.
When I came home today i decided to check my image spread. It is the same, no more than 10 inches at 10 feet, but the right side was faded. I think it was more faded yesterday.
That pretty much means that I lose depth perception.

One a much lighter note, Grant gave everyone who reads his blog an award and dared them to post it. Of course i am up to a dare, so here it is!
An addendum: What Grant does not know that in the midst of his edginess (which may be due to the series of significant health problems), he is actually quite refreshing and most of the times is humorous. I do not think he goes over the edge often and I do not get the arrogance that I get from some people with a similar edge.. I really believe he is finding his own ways of dealing with his health and again, i actually appreciate that. Hail to the Bunny Lord!

I guess no one scares me much any more.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

A tribute...to me?


The thing about awards is not getting them, but that someone thinks enough about what you write to either hate you and therefore the award is to keep you busy so you do not write anymore drivel or they actual have some form of misguided respect for you.
Well Pheromone girl seemed to think highly of me. That she called me the most creative and intelligent person she met on the blog sphere seems like a significant overstatement of who I am, but I will stay happy that she actually wrote that.
Given that there is also a catch, I must describe 6 roles that I played and of course I am going to be , ah, "creative: with it.
1) An angry person - yes at times i can get angry and sometimes it is for the right reasons, usually when I get to stand up for some poor soul who if bring abused by the system. But then there are other times i would rather not talk about...
2) A caring person - it is an opposite at times with the first one, but some times it is the same thing. I do tend to do for others and think about their situations first. In that some times I am dismayed by what people really go through.
3)A sensitive person - one who really can cry at sad movies or situations, at remembrances of people I have cared about and are no longer with us.
4) A witty person - my whit has gotten me in trouble. It is usually a bit subtle and dry with a zing to it.
5) A silly person - I have been know to skip the halls and laugh for almost no reason. I have been called crazy because of it, but I know things some people do not.
6)A loving person - Not to be confused with caring, because with love there is commitment through everything.
Those are the roles I have played, not to be confused with the active items this award seem to ask for.
SO who do I want this to be passed on to?
I think the blissful bohemian will get this for encouraging me even in her discouragement..