Yes that is the title to one of my favorite "Buffy" tunes and it relates in several ways, just as my dreams, which are not clear relate.
The dreams are of struggles,
none are clear,
none seem decisive.
They are in different places and events with different people,
none of whom i know.
Going back to work was a struggle. In once sense i used to breezy in and out of the lab like a phantom, knowing exactly what needed to be done and when and for what purpose. The computer was my toy, that everyone respected and wanted info from, but almost no one would try to get for themselves. People called for general information and received far more than they expected. The last couple of things remain the same, the computer had dust and I had several requests for info last week. The phone rang a few times for info on water and my knowledge has not left me.
As part of my struggle, i had decided to tackle the hardest thing to do in the lab last week, making a cadmium reduction column. I know that means nothing to you guys, but it is a half hollow glass tube filled with activated cadmium that allows me to perform a nitrate-nitrogen test. The column had dried up and oxidized in my absence and taking out the cadmium, reactivating it and filling the tube is not an easy task and yes, I always tackle the hardest thing as first.
There will be media to make, but even the tubed media complexity pales in comparison to this, there is just more of it so it takes longer.
I also struggle with the walk, not because it is hard, but it brings me by the place of work of the lady who dumped me last August. It is not going by where she works that bathers me, it is that I do not want to see her and her syrupy sweet smile (do we call it a saccharin smile?) at this point during another struggle. I simply do not need that deception around me.
Then there is poor David, who worked maybe 5 too many hours last month. Part was my fault cause i had his hourly rate wrong, part because he is getting direct deposit, the pay stubs just were not that important and i did not get them till last night. Most of my projected times were wrong (he got called in too much) and of course i worry that there will be consequences for going over his allotted income and lose his medical benefits.
Of course there has to be still one more thing, one of my long time friends is becoming more affectionate and i do not want to endanger the friendship, it is too precious. So i must step clearly and carefully, because it would be nice to have a friendship and something more, but i do not want something more at the cost of a friendship.
Those are my struggles at this time. We shall see.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
The weekend has meaning again!
Yes, it seems strange to all of you reading this that I really enjoy my job.
Yes, I have already managed to help several people with various water issues, including for a new home, where the lab waited a full day before doing the pH. I know that doesn't seem like much, but since a large part of acidity in this area is dissolved carbon dioxide, waiting a day is really not a good thing.
And Yes, most importantly are my several friends, who are very close, that i am in daily contact with.
Of course there also the colors and smoke and mirrors.
Being there, while fun, took all my energy. I am in a sense, starting from scratch. Most of the reagents that I need for testing are out of date and none of the quality control on instruments has been done for 7 months. So far I have coliform bacteria, pH and Nitrogen as nitrite and nitrate up and running.
Next week more challenges, but now after 4 part days, I am looking forward to the weekend. It was fun while i lasted!
Yes, I have already managed to help several people with various water issues, including for a new home, where the lab waited a full day before doing the pH. I know that doesn't seem like much, but since a large part of acidity in this area is dissolved carbon dioxide, waiting a day is really not a good thing.
And Yes, most importantly are my several friends, who are very close, that i am in daily contact with.
Of course there also the colors and smoke and mirrors.
Being there, while fun, took all my energy. I am in a sense, starting from scratch. Most of the reagents that I need for testing are out of date and none of the quality control on instruments has been done for 7 months. So far I have coliform bacteria, pH and Nitrogen as nitrite and nitrate up and running.
Next week more challenges, but now after 4 part days, I am looking forward to the weekend. It was fun while i lasted!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Everytrhings coming up daisies
Well i made it to 11:30 AM today and then crashed for 30 minutes...Not bad.
I am a little worried that the last 3 titles have been from songs (Every see the Buffy the vampire slayer episode, "Once more with feeling"? Good reason to be worried there.
Today I was surprised by the amount of dust i was still clearing off, did some more QC work, made a solution to determine Nitrite levels in water and hopefully will get the reduction column ready tomorrow (that requires working with 6 N Hydrochloric acid and I didn't want to do that today.
Looked up info on Bed bugs, 85 submissions in 2008, the same as 2007. I expected that. It isn't that there are fewer bed bugs, it is just that the landlords are taking things seriously and are working with the tenants on the problem, not throwing their hands up and saying its your fault.
Something similar happened with lead in 1990's, the landlords did not want to deal with the Health Department dealing with them, so as many units as they could, they gut rehabbed. This is the primary reason there is only a minimal problem with lead in Stamford (the numbers dropped from about 35% elevation to less than 5% in 5 years and it keeps going down!).
Well enough of that, I guess I am doing Okay!
I am a little worried that the last 3 titles have been from songs (Every see the Buffy the vampire slayer episode, "Once more with feeling"? Good reason to be worried there.
Today I was surprised by the amount of dust i was still clearing off, did some more QC work, made a solution to determine Nitrite levels in water and hopefully will get the reduction column ready tomorrow (that requires working with 6 N Hydrochloric acid and I didn't want to do that today.
Looked up info on Bed bugs, 85 submissions in 2008, the same as 2007. I expected that. It isn't that there are fewer bed bugs, it is just that the landlords are taking things seriously and are working with the tenants on the problem, not throwing their hands up and saying its your fault.
Something similar happened with lead in 1990's, the landlords did not want to deal with the Health Department dealing with them, so as many units as they could, they gut rehabbed. This is the primary reason there is only a minimal problem with lead in Stamford (the numbers dropped from about 35% elevation to less than 5% in 5 years and it keeps going down!).
Well enough of that, I guess I am doing Okay!
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
One Day at a Time!
Okay so today I made it just past 11:00 AM. Still had a parade of people who welcomed me back.
Today I decided that i work with the balances (weighing things) and so made some sorely need media (for growing bacteria in water). I also began clearing my bench.
My co-workers (including my boss) are incredible people in their fields ( clinical work and microbiology and evaluation of significant illnesses), but the environmental area was a bit of a mess, but it was not unexpected and not terrible. I have actually seen high school chemistry labs and some private labs that looked a lot worse than what they left, but it isn't me, so I got to start cleaning up.
Tomorrow more cleaning and maybe some quality control work.
Left at 11 something and laid down for an hour before I could get started again.
Ah, it is an adventure!
Today I decided that i work with the balances (weighing things) and so made some sorely need media (for growing bacteria in water). I also began clearing my bench.
My co-workers (including my boss) are incredible people in their fields ( clinical work and microbiology and evaluation of significant illnesses), but the environmental area was a bit of a mess, but it was not unexpected and not terrible. I have actually seen high school chemistry labs and some private labs that looked a lot worse than what they left, but it isn't me, so I got to start cleaning up.
Tomorrow more cleaning and maybe some quality control work.
Left at 11 something and laid down for an hour before I could get started again.
Ah, it is an adventure!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
I will Survive
Yes I went in, even after having last minute worries (I mean really the last minute before i left the house). I made it to 110 AM and that was it. Started by cleaning off my desk and greeting everyone, then went to the 'scopes. First the stereoscope, the one we use for "bugs" and took off the glasses and looked and everything in the field was single. That was a relief and helpful, then over to the microscope and again off with the glasses and we see 2 fields, not helpful especially since they overlapped. Put the glasses on and couldn't get close enough to the eye piece to see at all. So i closed one eye and things worked out okay. Then started cleaning off the environmental area work bench, hot plates etc... Did NOT turn on a computer, but already had a request for data. Of course everyone stopped by to welcome me back, one of the nurses even brought a cake! And the director of Health stopped by also! Started looking at the certification tests I needed to order and then became tired enough that I couldn't see the writing on the pages anymore and knew it was time to call it quits for the day. Tomorrow will be another one.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Challenges
I think i dealt with the worst of my pre-work jitters a week or so ago. Once i made a decision to go back and a date everything in me seemed to calm down.
This is a good thing because there will be challenges besides my near blindness to deal with. The machine that died last year (the one that allows us to metal analysis) has not yet been replaced, but is in the budget process. There is a budget crisis and supply monies have been cut again.
There will be the annual certification tests that have to be scheduled, but I think the most time consuming to set up (also working with the most dangerous organisms) will not occur this year. It is scheduled to come the second week in March and I will not be ready to work with it.
SO challenges abound, plus the issue of get to and from work.
I live close enough to walk, which is fine in clear weather, but it is bound to rain and buses do not really stop in front of the Government center from where i live. How handle this should be fun.
Well Hi Ho, Hi Ho, its off to work I go, tomorrow.
This is a good thing because there will be challenges besides my near blindness to deal with. The machine that died last year (the one that allows us to metal analysis) has not yet been replaced, but is in the budget process. There is a budget crisis and supply monies have been cut again.
There will be the annual certification tests that have to be scheduled, but I think the most time consuming to set up (also working with the most dangerous organisms) will not occur this year. It is scheduled to come the second week in March and I will not be ready to work with it.
SO challenges abound, plus the issue of get to and from work.
I live close enough to walk, which is fine in clear weather, but it is bound to rain and buses do not really stop in front of the Government center from where i live. How handle this should be fun.
Well Hi Ho, Hi Ho, its off to work I go, tomorrow.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Almost disaster
Well, yesterday was tough for me. I probably pushed too much. Was out too long in the afternoon, but it was critical for my own knowledge to know what i could take.
No nothing serious happened to me, no falls, collapses or whatever, but as i flopped onto my bed for a short nap around 5, i took my glasses off. I put them, not on the nightstand, as is my custom, but on the bed.
Shortly thereafter, i put my hand and thumb through the right side and the frame bent and the lens popped out.
This of course, removed all tiredness and replaced it with horror!
One of the things i used to do in whatever spare time i had, was some jewelry work. Nothing complicated, but I knew how to use a jeweler's loop and fix tiny things.
I was not prepared to be tested this way!
Even though I had the reading glasses with the corrective frennel plastic (to act as a prism), they are not clear enough for fine work. Oh I can read with them. John was away and no one else in the house could help me.
Long story, short, after 30 minutes or so, I had thew frames back into the proper alignment and the lerns back in. Initially I had one of the plastic pasties on upside down, but realized my mistake real quick when looking out the glasses did not correct doubleness, reinserted the plastic properly and I could see again.
The most inteeresting thing was that I went to bed early (10) and got up late (8), which means the little incident took 3 hours off my day.
WOW! What an adventure!
No nothing serious happened to me, no falls, collapses or whatever, but as i flopped onto my bed for a short nap around 5, i took my glasses off. I put them, not on the nightstand, as is my custom, but on the bed.
Shortly thereafter, i put my hand and thumb through the right side and the frame bent and the lens popped out.
This of course, removed all tiredness and replaced it with horror!
One of the things i used to do in whatever spare time i had, was some jewelry work. Nothing complicated, but I knew how to use a jeweler's loop and fix tiny things.
I was not prepared to be tested this way!
Even though I had the reading glasses with the corrective frennel plastic (to act as a prism), they are not clear enough for fine work. Oh I can read with them. John was away and no one else in the house could help me.
Long story, short, after 30 minutes or so, I had thew frames back into the proper alignment and the lerns back in. Initially I had one of the plastic pasties on upside down, but realized my mistake real quick when looking out the glasses did not correct doubleness, reinserted the plastic properly and I could see again.
The most inteeresting thing was that I went to bed early (10) and got up late (8), which means the little incident took 3 hours off my day.
WOW! What an adventure!
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Rambling, TAXACT disparaging
Well , it figures. I must have a case of the "Uncool" jitters. My last post was suppose to go up today, but alas i hit the wrong button and it posted yesterday. So much for saving my Saturday morning, but it is okay. Today my right brain is not quite as active and i am not bursting into song and dance or verse or something like that (Anybody every watch the Buffy series? Think of season 6 - "Once more with feeling"). All is okay.
You ever try to share something really deep with someone you do not trust? I do not think it can be done or else it is done so cryptically that they do not know what you are talking about.
They, wait a minute, "they" live in Chicago and do not know squat ( a prankster changed his name officially to" they" so he could be the source of all news).
.Any way, I hear often that the most intimate thing is sharing your heart (guys, you know how hard that is even with people we are otherwise intimate with).
I think i am really fortunate in that i have a number of people who are that close.
It actually gives me a song in my heart (hey wait, I said no singing) and is one of the many things that keeps me going.
Oh yes, TaxAct on line is still insisting it is my fault, so they are off my recommendation list for Taxes and Customer service, I might e mail David Prauge or Roger Grimes about this and see who has the last laugh (They are techie column writers and no small fish)!
You ever try to share something really deep with someone you do not trust? I do not think it can be done or else it is done so cryptically that they do not know what you are talking about.
They, wait a minute, "they" live in Chicago and do not know squat ( a prankster changed his name officially to" they" so he could be the source of all news).
.Any way, I hear often that the most intimate thing is sharing your heart (guys, you know how hard that is even with people we are otherwise intimate with).
I think i am really fortunate in that i have a number of people who are that close.
It actually gives me a song in my heart (hey wait, I said no singing) and is one of the many things that keeps me going.
Oh yes, TaxAct on line is still insisting it is my fault, so they are off my recommendation list for Taxes and Customer service, I might e mail David Prauge or Roger Grimes about this and see who has the last laugh (They are techie column writers and no small fish)!
Friday, February 20, 2009
Descriptions
Thrown Deeper into a sea than I had never known,
Down I went till there seemed to be no light,
Only night.
Slowly, slowly,
I began to rise.
My lung thirsting for air,
Seemed ready to burst.
The light, shows dimly.
Will I, to the surface come?
If some times my posts seem disjointed, it is because I keep reaching for a description of how i feel, of what is truly occurring in my heart and mind.
This adventure seems like it has gone on forever, even though I know it has only been a short time and i feel the end is coming, one way or the other.
There is a rush, like i am coming from a deep dive with my lungs burning and i must reach the surface or burst.
This is the best i can offer.
Maaybe my right side of my brain describes things the best.
Down I went till there seemed to be no light,
Only night.
Slowly, slowly,
I began to rise.
My lung thirsting for air,
Seemed ready to burst.
The light, shows dimly.
Will I, to the surface come?
If some times my posts seem disjointed, it is because I keep reaching for a description of how i feel, of what is truly occurring in my heart and mind.
This adventure seems like it has gone on forever, even though I know it has only been a short time and i feel the end is coming, one way or the other.
There is a rush, like i am coming from a deep dive with my lungs burning and i must reach the surface or burst.
This is the best i can offer.
Maaybe my right side of my brain describes things the best.
New Day
Before Dawn's early light,
In the predawn shadows of shades of grey and black,
All images are one and I marvel.
The sun peaks over the horizon and all is lost,
Images split and become confused.
For whatever reason, my heart swells with Joy.
It is a New day!
I know i have not talked of this before, but before there is no light and my "rods" are the only things gathering light, i see single images. Everything is in greys without color. As soon as light appears and there are color images, my sight splits up. This was completely understandable to the optometrists at SUNY, but fairly uncommon.
It makes my life interesting because for a few short minutes, i see normally, then the light comes and i am back to needing my glasses.
Some mornings, i let myself do things without the glasses, with the double vision, just to prove i am not immobile.
Today is a new day and so far things look good.
In the predawn shadows of shades of grey and black,
All images are one and I marvel.
The sun peaks over the horizon and all is lost,
Images split and become confused.
For whatever reason, my heart swells with Joy.
It is a New day!
I know i have not talked of this before, but before there is no light and my "rods" are the only things gathering light, i see single images. Everything is in greys without color. As soon as light appears and there are color images, my sight splits up. This was completely understandable to the optometrists at SUNY, but fairly uncommon.
It makes my life interesting because for a few short minutes, i see normally, then the light comes and i am back to needing my glasses.
Some mornings, i let myself do things without the glasses, with the double vision, just to prove i am not immobile.
Today is a new day and so far things look good.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
It should have been easy...
Every Year I do David's taxes cause he just can not. Lately, I have been using TaxAct online, it is easy, $6 and quick. Today i tried it and ran into a SANFU and it was really the direct translation of the acronym.
One of his short time employers has its base headquarters in Maine. They have all the information printed multiple times as to its address.
After doing all the work, TaxAct online checks for mistakes and said the zip was wrong. I know i can make mistakes, so i re-entered the info, it was still flagged as wrong. I map quested the location and got the same zip code. They would not let me pass and file. When I went to report a problem the form to be filled out was so long, i just hit cancel and will not be using them again.
Frustration.
David was ready for a walk and I needed it. Went to the library and provided entertainment for the volunteers at the book store with my story.
By that point i was feeling better and may use the IRS site direct, but then i noticed that not all the Mill River Park Cherry trees are coming down. The ones they are removing are not that pretty and the ones they are leaving are beautiful.
This topped my morning, I think i will paint now.
One of his short time employers has its base headquarters in Maine. They have all the information printed multiple times as to its address.
After doing all the work, TaxAct online checks for mistakes and said the zip was wrong. I know i can make mistakes, so i re-entered the info, it was still flagged as wrong. I map quested the location and got the same zip code. They would not let me pass and file. When I went to report a problem the form to be filled out was so long, i just hit cancel and will not be using them again.
Frustration.
David was ready for a walk and I needed it. Went to the library and provided entertainment for the volunteers at the book store with my story.
By that point i was feeling better and may use the IRS site direct, but then i noticed that not all the Mill River Park Cherry trees are coming down. The ones they are removing are not that pretty and the ones they are leaving are beautiful.
This topped my morning, I think i will paint now.
Rmblings
It seems on good days I don't really accomplish much. I had lots of energy, I was clear headed, I could see (a really important one), and I had direction.
So I got my self ready, did my morning routine and went outside. I was going to walk a bit, but I ran into a neighbor, who works at the hospital as a CNA and knows my situation. A very nice Jamaican lady who asked if i wanted company, so we walked, a bit further than I thought, but that was good. The rain/snow/whatever had not started coming down and it was a good walk.
I came back home and I was tired an didn't accomplish much of anything else except dinner.
We'll see if I get started on my next painting today.
So I got my self ready, did my morning routine and went outside. I was going to walk a bit, but I ran into a neighbor, who works at the hospital as a CNA and knows my situation. A very nice Jamaican lady who asked if i wanted company, so we walked, a bit further than I thought, but that was good. The rain/snow/whatever had not started coming down and it was a good walk.
I came back home and I was tired an didn't accomplish much of anything else except dinner.
We'll see if I get started on my next painting today.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
So what do I do in the morning?
I wake up, first! In many ways it is a wonderful feeling to feel the act of waking up (I remember times both before the surgery and after that waking up was nothing but a struggle).
I brew a coffee and then sit back in my bed drinking the coffee and trying my eye exercises (and there seems to be some improvement).
Some time during this time, I must use the facilities, then I get dressed, put on the reading glasses and start looking at the different new posts. Of course "Uncool" gets me laughing. Most of the time I can say something, but on occasion "Stamford Talks'" "Fancy Pancakes" post are beyond my experience and I am unable to add anything, funny, constructive or otherwise, as she posts about her pregnancy.
Then there are a variety of Stamford local issues, which are always of interest:
"Blog Stamford"
"StamfordCT"
"Streets of Stamford"
"Stamford, the place that Works?"
There are a few more and sometimes the info is duplicated, but still it keeps my fingers in things.
Then I usually go over with baited breathe to "Unloaded", hoping that there will be the final installment of the riveting "Bennington Girl" posts.
Usually I end up at " WingDangDo", who has a great wit about her, even when going through tragedy. She has made me cry a couple of times.
My final refreshment is with "Cogito Ergo Suma" with her art and "Really" and her movie and book reviews.
Most of these bloggers are from Stamford (all, I think) and it is a good way to get going, then I post something going on whether it is worthwhile to anyone but me doesn't matter. It is worthwhile to me and occasionally I am surprised by references and comments!
Then I have breakfast and work out for 15 minuted.
Then it is time for a 15 minute break and it is usually 10 or so and if David is home we get ready for a walk. If you see someone with a blond would cane walking the streets of Stamford, it really is not an unknown bum, it is me, a known bum...until next week!
I brew a coffee and then sit back in my bed drinking the coffee and trying my eye exercises (and there seems to be some improvement).
Some time during this time, I must use the facilities, then I get dressed, put on the reading glasses and start looking at the different new posts. Of course "Uncool" gets me laughing. Most of the time I can say something, but on occasion "Stamford Talks'" "Fancy Pancakes" post are beyond my experience and I am unable to add anything, funny, constructive or otherwise, as she posts about her pregnancy.
Then there are a variety of Stamford local issues, which are always of interest:
"Blog Stamford"
"StamfordCT"
"Streets of Stamford"
"Stamford, the place that Works?"
There are a few more and sometimes the info is duplicated, but still it keeps my fingers in things.
Then I usually go over with baited breathe to "Unloaded", hoping that there will be the final installment of the riveting "Bennington Girl" posts.
Usually I end up at " WingDangDo", who has a great wit about her, even when going through tragedy. She has made me cry a couple of times.
My final refreshment is with "Cogito Ergo Suma" with her art and "Really" and her movie and book reviews.
Most of these bloggers are from Stamford (all, I think) and it is a good way to get going, then I post something going on whether it is worthwhile to anyone but me doesn't matter. It is worthwhile to me and occasionally I am surprised by references and comments!
Then I have breakfast and work out for 15 minuted.
Then it is time for a 15 minute break and it is usually 10 or so and if David is home we get ready for a walk. If you see someone with a blond would cane walking the streets of Stamford, it really is not an unknown bum, it is me, a known bum...until next week!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Malloy on Fox News!
Stamford, the place that works? reported that Malloy was on Fox news yesterday during the day and did well. I did not see it, did anyone else? I generally do not even want to watch Fox cause of the agitation it creates. I am not into being agitated.
"Used to bees"
I think I am preparing myself to try my job again after a 7 month absence and reflecting where i have been and where i am now.
The "used to bees" are actually interesting and some times startling. Some of them can not be measured.
The most interesting one has been the reawakening of my heart. I had become too analytical in life and therefore more of a technician than anything else. Was the tumor to blame or was it just the path i was veering off to? I do not have the answer, i do not have to, i am just enjoying both feeling and thinking at the same time. The proof is in the paintings, but the action is everywhere.
Cooping with my double vision. Yes, i go from valley to mountain top with this one, but the reality is that i am able to live my life with it. The use of the glasses bringing a single sight as i am out and about has added wonderful hours to my day.
I ued to be too busy and there was never anytime for myself. That was just plain wrong and to find the balance has been interesting and fun. I still will not drive because i am afraid i will not see someone at a critical time and kill someone. That leads to the next.
The experience of losing my strength and my mind was both horrifying and fascinating. For the month of November when the shunt was pulling to much fluid, i lost my ability to reason. This actually helped bring my heart out, but is not recommended. They both showed how fragile we are and gives me a bit more respect for the thing we call life.
My strength i was able to rebuild, my mind came back when they shut off the pump.
How do i know my mind was gone? By others peoples observations, they actual thought i had permanant damage. I was not able to do a host of things that had nothing to do with physical strength.
I found the most important people in my life and lost the ones who just played. That is a very good thing. I was surprised at the number of players and they have no idea what they are missing. On the otherhand, there are pains and curcumstances that make them that way. I do not blame them, i just do not want them a part of my life.
I feel settled, today. Tomorrow maybe different, but that is life.
The "used to bees" are actually interesting and some times startling. Some of them can not be measured.
The most interesting one has been the reawakening of my heart. I had become too analytical in life and therefore more of a technician than anything else. Was the tumor to blame or was it just the path i was veering off to? I do not have the answer, i do not have to, i am just enjoying both feeling and thinking at the same time. The proof is in the paintings, but the action is everywhere.
Cooping with my double vision. Yes, i go from valley to mountain top with this one, but the reality is that i am able to live my life with it. The use of the glasses bringing a single sight as i am out and about has added wonderful hours to my day.
I ued to be too busy and there was never anytime for myself. That was just plain wrong and to find the balance has been interesting and fun. I still will not drive because i am afraid i will not see someone at a critical time and kill someone. That leads to the next.
The experience of losing my strength and my mind was both horrifying and fascinating. For the month of November when the shunt was pulling to much fluid, i lost my ability to reason. This actually helped bring my heart out, but is not recommended. They both showed how fragile we are and gives me a bit more respect for the thing we call life.
My strength i was able to rebuild, my mind came back when they shut off the pump.
How do i know my mind was gone? By others peoples observations, they actual thought i had permanant damage. I was not able to do a host of things that had nothing to do with physical strength.
I found the most important people in my life and lost the ones who just played. That is a very good thing. I was surprised at the number of players and they have no idea what they are missing. On the otherhand, there are pains and curcumstances that make them that way. I do not blame them, i just do not want them a part of my life.
I feel settled, today. Tomorrow maybe different, but that is life.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Observations
Every morning before i get up, i try some eye exercises. Mostly they6 have to reviewing how far apart my computer screens are from each other (no, I don't have two screens, its the double vision). Since the screen is about 10 feet from the bed, I do not have to actually get up to do this, but maybe because i am really trying to see what is going on or maybe there is something new, i have the following observations and they seem to be different on any given day.
1) Opening and shutting my eyes has one of the screens travel from a convergence to up to 6 inches apart from the other. Today it was about 1 inch, then it turned into the normal 6.
2) If I turn my head to the left the screen images converge.
3) Yesterday when I turned my head right the screen images separated more, today they converged.
4) moving my head down converges the images.
5) Today moving my head up converged the images. Yesterday it did not.
This is just so I can try to get a handle on things, there is a lot of variance and I it is confusing. Are things getting better or worse? I actually can not tell for sure.
So the work continues.
1) Opening and shutting my eyes has one of the screens travel from a convergence to up to 6 inches apart from the other. Today it was about 1 inch, then it turned into the normal 6.
2) If I turn my head to the left the screen images converge.
3) Yesterday when I turned my head right the screen images separated more, today they converged.
4) moving my head down converges the images.
5) Today moving my head up converged the images. Yesterday it did not.
This is just so I can try to get a handle on things, there is a lot of variance and I it is confusing. Are things getting better or worse? I actually can not tell for sure.
So the work continues.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Fear
Friday, while at the library waiting for David to check out some DVDs (by the way, they are free and very current), I had a chance to talk to one of the volunteers in the library bookshop who is blind in one eye for about 10 years now. She did not go into detail, but she talked about cooping with the confusion and fear it first created and the confusion it still creates. It was a conversation I could completely relate to and it helped me access something very real, but hidden away deep in my heart. Fear! I cope with it everyday, fear of falling, fear of losing the glasses, fear of never seeing correctly again, fear of not being able to work, do the things I love.
Fear of being alone, because people do not like to be reminded we are not invulnerable, that things happen in an instant which can change our life, forever. Accidents, illnesses, cancer, brain tumors. We have no control and no real recourse.
People call me courageous or brave and i really do not know what they are talking about. I am only a scared little boy trying to regain some semblance of a life back.
And that is what is real.
It was a good walk and great to meet some one who lifted my spirits by having already gone through an Adventure for a long time.
Fear of being alone, because people do not like to be reminded we are not invulnerable, that things happen in an instant which can change our life, forever. Accidents, illnesses, cancer, brain tumors. We have no control and no real recourse.
People call me courageous or brave and i really do not know what they are talking about. I am only a scared little boy trying to regain some semblance of a life back.
And that is what is real.
It was a good walk and great to meet some one who lifted my spirits by having already gone through an Adventure for a long time.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
The idiosyncrasies of my heart
Yes it is Valentines Day and I am not a big fan. Most men have to fit into a romantic mold to survive this day, even if they are not and I do not fit into the mold.
This is not the first valentines day that I have been without a lover, but even when i was, they were not impressed with valentines day and my own efforts were mostly wasted.
So as i reflected this morning, i had one thought and then another and they led me to the many people in my life who have helped me through my Adventure.
These are the important people.
These are the people who love me and i them, in perhaps a more intimate way than many couples i have known.
There are those in my community who have supported me, directed me, cried over me and almost seen me die. They are a complete part of each day of my life, each struggle i go through and i with them. There are no embarrassing thoughts, just things to grow from. They have supported me when i am too weak.
The names i will mention will mean nothing to you, but do to me:
Marie, Franklin's wife and my pastor, a person with a whole lot of heart.
David, with whom i have no idea how i would survive without;.
Franklin, the person who helps direct us, who is down in Virginia trying to get things ready for the rest of us. He has a lot of wisdom, foresight and heart.
Those are the closet people, but i must mention Scott (Franklin and Marie's son), John, who also lives in the same house and Walter, who lives with Franklin. Each is very important to me.
There is also my mom, who despite being 85, would have tried to take care of me during this Adventure. She couldn't except in here mind and i would have had to take care of her, but she lives in Virginia with her family, who do keep her occupied.
Outside of that, there are a host, just so you get to know i am by no means isolated.
Margarita, who is a happily married mother of 3, has really been there in my darkest times and there is a connection between us that I can't really describe. She has all my lost and respect.
Courtney, a person with whom I am constantly amazed because we share so many life lessons.
Jenny, who amazes me by her kindness through all of her adversity.
Irene, also a married friend with a daughter, who despite all of her struggles, will still try to be there when she is able.
As i face my fears (yes, i have a lot of those messing with my mind), each of these people has shown the Love that has helped me through those fears and given me hope.
Are these people Lovers? In a very special way that we each understand.
There is one more set of people who i must mention. These are people who are not really in my life. Some of them i keep contact with and all of them would still be welcomed if they came to my door.
Pam, my first girlfriend who lives in California now with her partner (i do not know if they are still considered married with all the craziness in that state). I keep in touch with her by email and she reads this blog (but does not comment). She has a piece of my heart.
Larry, my best childhood friend, who I couldn't understand when he called me (the Texas accent was wonderful, but I have been away from it for too long), but still kept trying to keep in touch. We still communicate by email. I am glad that we keep in touch.
Irene (Spanish pronunciation, Erenee), who I went out with for a few years, but i knew she wanted to marry a person from her own country (Columbia). She did, but it is always nice to see and talk to her on the street. I learned my conversational Spanish from her.
Paula, another lady who i went out with for a few years, who i didn't total understand emotionally. It was good to see and talk to her the other day.
All the neighbors on the street i live, they are just that good neighbors.
Also, i must mention Jake, the lab mix in our house, who is the kindest, gentlest dog I have ever met.
Now for the difficult part, the people who I carry with me, but will not see at least physically.
There is my Dad, who has been very present these last few months. I keep running into notes and instructions he gave to me (and pictures).
There is Penny, my first girlfriend up here. We had a crazy and unbelievably connection. It was not a consistent relationship, but when she died (unexpectedly from complications due to leukemia), I swear she came to me while i was working in the Lab and told me "Tell everyone I Love them , I've got to go now!" I still cry remembering this.
Mary, who had a really difficult life and made many bad decisions. But she had very strong feeling for me and I got to share the last months of her life .
Mr. M, AL, who turned into my best friend up here, we got to pal around a lot. He died when he was almost 85 in all the manners he had hoped for. I hope that I am given the same gift.
The emotions from writing this post are high and I know I have left some people out who are never the less very important, but I can not continue.
This is not the first valentines day that I have been without a lover, but even when i was, they were not impressed with valentines day and my own efforts were mostly wasted.
So as i reflected this morning, i had one thought and then another and they led me to the many people in my life who have helped me through my Adventure.
These are the important people.
These are the people who love me and i them, in perhaps a more intimate way than many couples i have known.
There are those in my community who have supported me, directed me, cried over me and almost seen me die. They are a complete part of each day of my life, each struggle i go through and i with them. There are no embarrassing thoughts, just things to grow from. They have supported me when i am too weak.
The names i will mention will mean nothing to you, but do to me:
Marie, Franklin's wife and my pastor, a person with a whole lot of heart.
David, with whom i have no idea how i would survive without;.
Franklin, the person who helps direct us, who is down in Virginia trying to get things ready for the rest of us. He has a lot of wisdom, foresight and heart.
Those are the closet people, but i must mention Scott (Franklin and Marie's son), John, who also lives in the same house and Walter, who lives with Franklin. Each is very important to me.
There is also my mom, who despite being 85, would have tried to take care of me during this Adventure. She couldn't except in here mind and i would have had to take care of her, but she lives in Virginia with her family, who do keep her occupied.
Outside of that, there are a host, just so you get to know i am by no means isolated.
Margarita, who is a happily married mother of 3, has really been there in my darkest times and there is a connection between us that I can't really describe. She has all my lost and respect.
Courtney, a person with whom I am constantly amazed because we share so many life lessons.
Jenny, who amazes me by her kindness through all of her adversity.
Irene, also a married friend with a daughter, who despite all of her struggles, will still try to be there when she is able.
As i face my fears (yes, i have a lot of those messing with my mind), each of these people has shown the Love that has helped me through those fears and given me hope.
Are these people Lovers? In a very special way that we each understand.
There is one more set of people who i must mention. These are people who are not really in my life. Some of them i keep contact with and all of them would still be welcomed if they came to my door.
Pam, my first girlfriend who lives in California now with her partner (i do not know if they are still considered married with all the craziness in that state). I keep in touch with her by email and she reads this blog (but does not comment). She has a piece of my heart.
Larry, my best childhood friend, who I couldn't understand when he called me (the Texas accent was wonderful, but I have been away from it for too long), but still kept trying to keep in touch. We still communicate by email. I am glad that we keep in touch.
Irene (Spanish pronunciation, Erenee), who I went out with for a few years, but i knew she wanted to marry a person from her own country (Columbia). She did, but it is always nice to see and talk to her on the street. I learned my conversational Spanish from her.
Paula, another lady who i went out with for a few years, who i didn't total understand emotionally. It was good to see and talk to her the other day.
All the neighbors on the street i live, they are just that good neighbors.
Also, i must mention Jake, the lab mix in our house, who is the kindest, gentlest dog I have ever met.
Now for the difficult part, the people who I carry with me, but will not see at least physically.
There is my Dad, who has been very present these last few months. I keep running into notes and instructions he gave to me (and pictures).
There is Penny, my first girlfriend up here. We had a crazy and unbelievably connection. It was not a consistent relationship, but when she died (unexpectedly from complications due to leukemia), I swear she came to me while i was working in the Lab and told me "Tell everyone I Love them , I've got to go now!" I still cry remembering this.
Mary, who had a really difficult life and made many bad decisions. But she had very strong feeling for me and I got to share the last months of her life .
Mr. M, AL, who turned into my best friend up here, we got to pal around a lot. He died when he was almost 85 in all the manners he had hoped for. I hope that I am given the same gift.
The emotions from writing this post are high and I know I have left some people out who are never the less very important, but I can not continue.
Friday, February 13, 2009
The Past
As i keep marveling at the mistakes that the weather predictors are making (I am very happy they have been so wrong), i am trying to get myself ready for my next big challenge.
Part of this is because of all the interesting posts which have been attributed to a facebooks "challenge". Well I don't use facebooks and so won't get tagged, but it has been fun to read.
My challenge includes getting the garden ready for planting and going through the things I used to do, but have not.
The first challenge will be driving, but I will wait a long while before trying this, even with the new glasses, I do not think I am yet capable of driving safely.
Being driven short distance is now working, but I do not know how I will react to a long trip. Without the glasses it was impossible, I would get sick. Now with the mostly single vision (far away objects sometimes get doubled), can ride without a problem.
I have been comfortable with computers since 1968 (yes, that long ago)! The use of a computer in the simple ways I do was an initial challenge when I was in the hospital the first time and it was very helpful for my spirits. As of late I have been creating complex formulas in Excel. but have not tried some of the other complex stuff.
I actually started programing in 1968 (well, that was all you could do back then) and i have forgotten the language i used (COBOL??). I left computers except for the use as a tool because my love was chemistry, but because I wanted to understand the information i was gathering, i taught myself some third generation programing languages (Dbase and DataEase). This really is not to impressive, but i then had to convert the databases and their functions, first to Paradox and then to Access (both self taught). I did end up taking a visual basic course which was challenging and loads of fun and converted my old databases with the help of one of the city IT guys to Access. I also had to change lots of his stuff because his approach made the access of the data slow (he used mountains of queries instead of Code). With this endeavor i had the help of one of the cities secret weapons, an "insourced" Indian Lady, who was and is remarkable.
But back to the story line, i have not attempted this, but will soon.
Working outside in the garden requires nice weather and we are finally getting some. I actually did some raking yesterday.
Cooking and housework have been mastered, tho i still make some significant mistakes when cooking (like spilling the chicken broth on to the burner instead of the pan of rice).
Painting, to my delight, has been a pleasure and most of you have seen this reading my posts.
It is funny, but seeing people outside, who know me professionally, always ask me work related questions. It is not strange because i was used to it, but it is interesting that my knowledge base and abilities to figure out problems with minimal information is still fairly good. I guess the tumor and operation did not take any cognitive ability, just perceptual ones.
Walking has been a real help with my energy and mental state. I was surprised how low i got during those perpetual snow storms of January.
I have also , finally been able to minimally help out some of my friends. Not a lot, but anything to give them a lift.
We will see how today goes!
Part of this is because of all the interesting posts which have been attributed to a facebooks "challenge". Well I don't use facebooks and so won't get tagged, but it has been fun to read.
My challenge includes getting the garden ready for planting and going through the things I used to do, but have not.
The first challenge will be driving, but I will wait a long while before trying this, even with the new glasses, I do not think I am yet capable of driving safely.
Being driven short distance is now working, but I do not know how I will react to a long trip. Without the glasses it was impossible, I would get sick. Now with the mostly single vision (far away objects sometimes get doubled), can ride without a problem.
I have been comfortable with computers since 1968 (yes, that long ago)! The use of a computer in the simple ways I do was an initial challenge when I was in the hospital the first time and it was very helpful for my spirits. As of late I have been creating complex formulas in Excel. but have not tried some of the other complex stuff.
I actually started programing in 1968 (well, that was all you could do back then) and i have forgotten the language i used (COBOL??). I left computers except for the use as a tool because my love was chemistry, but because I wanted to understand the information i was gathering, i taught myself some third generation programing languages (Dbase and DataEase). This really is not to impressive, but i then had to convert the databases and their functions, first to Paradox and then to Access (both self taught). I did end up taking a visual basic course which was challenging and loads of fun and converted my old databases with the help of one of the city IT guys to Access. I also had to change lots of his stuff because his approach made the access of the data slow (he used mountains of queries instead of Code). With this endeavor i had the help of one of the cities secret weapons, an "insourced" Indian Lady, who was and is remarkable.
But back to the story line, i have not attempted this, but will soon.
Working outside in the garden requires nice weather and we are finally getting some. I actually did some raking yesterday.
Cooking and housework have been mastered, tho i still make some significant mistakes when cooking (like spilling the chicken broth on to the burner instead of the pan of rice).
Painting, to my delight, has been a pleasure and most of you have seen this reading my posts.
It is funny, but seeing people outside, who know me professionally, always ask me work related questions. It is not strange because i was used to it, but it is interesting that my knowledge base and abilities to figure out problems with minimal information is still fairly good. I guess the tumor and operation did not take any cognitive ability, just perceptual ones.
Walking has been a real help with my energy and mental state. I was surprised how low i got during those perpetual snow storms of January.
I have also , finally been able to minimally help out some of my friends. Not a lot, but anything to give them a lift.
We will see how today goes!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Renaissance man
I search for the meaning of my soul, deep I go,
expecting thunder and lightening,
I hear instead a still small whisper,
"You are who you are."
Renaissance man, i have heard this description of my self from too many people to ignored anymore, and i never gave it a second thought.
It is not just men or just women, it is both and the deeper i look the more diversity i see and i never gave it a second thought.
The many creative things that i do and have done, i only thought were and expression of my artist abilities. This actually seems to be coming out in clearer ways for people to see, but i always thought that the painting, the gardening, the decoration, the laser shows, the brick, tile and stone work were all coming from the same thing.
I think of the statement again and i do not think renaissance man is accurate, for in feudal Japan a leader was not somebody unless he was well versed in all the arts; poetry, painting and it that time, it included war.
On the other hand, i truly seek to be a pacifist and do struggle with it, but that is also why i live in a spiritual community, we get to recognize our weaknesses and strive for something better.
So i would call myself an imperfect man, because i have not realized my goals as a person.
I actually can not find any pictures of the laser shows or of the outside walkway, but do have pictures of some tile work and the garden!
So here is the bathroom, finished 2 falls ago:
A bit of the Garden:
Okay, I went outside and took pictures of the brick stone work, but it is winter and things get messy with all the snow (And yes I lifted those slate pieces for the stairs).
This I did last spring.
On an even lighter note, I am really happy the weather channel was so wrong about yesterdays weather, it made my life much easier.
expecting thunder and lightening,
I hear instead a still small whisper,
"You are who you are."
Renaissance man, i have heard this description of my self from too many people to ignored anymore, and i never gave it a second thought.
It is not just men or just women, it is both and the deeper i look the more diversity i see and i never gave it a second thought.
The many creative things that i do and have done, i only thought were and expression of my artist abilities. This actually seems to be coming out in clearer ways for people to see, but i always thought that the painting, the gardening, the decoration, the laser shows, the brick, tile and stone work were all coming from the same thing.
I think of the statement again and i do not think renaissance man is accurate, for in feudal Japan a leader was not somebody unless he was well versed in all the arts; poetry, painting and it that time, it included war.
On the other hand, i truly seek to be a pacifist and do struggle with it, but that is also why i live in a spiritual community, we get to recognize our weaknesses and strive for something better.
So i would call myself an imperfect man, because i have not realized my goals as a person.
I actually can not find any pictures of the laser shows or of the outside walkway, but do have pictures of some tile work and the garden!
So here is the bathroom, finished 2 falls ago:
A bit of the Garden:
Okay, I went outside and took pictures of the brick stone work, but it is winter and things get messy with all the snow (And yes I lifted those slate pieces for the stairs).
This I did last spring.
On an even lighter note, I am really happy the weather channel was so wrong about yesterdays weather, it made my life much easier.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
The fun things in our house
One of my visiting friends will be over this afternoon and I really need the visit, especially since they are predicting rain and I will be stuck inside again and David is working.
The other gentleman who stays with us is really not company, although he has one minimal diagnosis, he shows all the characteristics of some schizophrenia. This is much more difficult to work around, but this kind of thing I have been doing for 30 years and he is the son of a friend/pastor who is no longer in the area. What it really means is that he is not able to be the companion kind of a person that David, who is simply brain damaged from birth.
The only fun thing is when we get into short lived political discussions, he has some very socialistic views (he claims to be a communist, but isn't even close in practice) and I think his views are challenged by the communalistic way we in the house live (I have said before, I live in an intentional community which is spiritual in view and goals, but definitely not pushy in what we believe to other people, I simply do not believe ANYONE has all the answers).
Sadly, as we are trying to move down to the southern Virginia area, we are a bit scattered in location at this time, but the emotional bonds are really strong.
I think this is the reason I miss/dream of work, lots of people contact.
I was going to do another water color progression series, but decided to show much less than I originally thought. I am back to landscapes, but only something that i remember, so there are no comparison pictures. There will be more cause the feelings of different scenes are growing in me.
Jenny loved her portrait.
This is out the door of the old farmhouse, unfinished.
The other gentleman who stays with us is really not company, although he has one minimal diagnosis, he shows all the characteristics of some schizophrenia. This is much more difficult to work around, but this kind of thing I have been doing for 30 years and he is the son of a friend/pastor who is no longer in the area. What it really means is that he is not able to be the companion kind of a person that David, who is simply brain damaged from birth.
The only fun thing is when we get into short lived political discussions, he has some very socialistic views (he claims to be a communist, but isn't even close in practice) and I think his views are challenged by the communalistic way we in the house live (I have said before, I live in an intentional community which is spiritual in view and goals, but definitely not pushy in what we believe to other people, I simply do not believe ANYONE has all the answers).
Sadly, as we are trying to move down to the southern Virginia area, we are a bit scattered in location at this time, but the emotional bonds are really strong.
I think this is the reason I miss/dream of work, lots of people contact.
I was going to do another water color progression series, but decided to show much less than I originally thought. I am back to landscapes, but only something that i remember, so there are no comparison pictures. There will be more cause the feelings of different scenes are growing in me.
Jenny loved her portrait.
This is out the door of the old farmhouse, unfinished.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Ticks
Ticks are out! The snow has helped them NOT dry up during this awful winter and now the temperature is above freezing, they are out looking for a meal! Theses first active ones are the adult female Ioxides Scapularis and are from 35 to 50% infected with Lyme, so be careful!
every New Step
It seems that each step forward I take, reveals a new item that has been hidden by the symptoms, IE... the swallowing problem, exacerbated by the cholesterol/triglyceride medication has cleared up leaving a tickle spot in the mouth at the base of my tongue. This is healing now, but will setup fits of coughing for various reasons. Not being able to eat the right things while the swallowing problem occurred, brought my weight up a bit too far (15 pounds too far), and my blood pressure has increased. The winter we had assisted this problem.
My doctor this morning asked me if I really needed the cane and I said yes. There are times, that I get disoriented enough that I lose perspective of where I am and start to keel over. I do not need it in the house, there are enough objects to grab, but outside I need it. This is getting better, but it is also why I do not drive, I can see getting one of these bits of confusion and crashing.
So I continue my exercise, the Tea Kwon Do, walking, blogging and painting. Everything helps
The above freezing temperatures help also.
My doctor this morning asked me if I really needed the cane and I said yes. There are times, that I get disoriented enough that I lose perspective of where I am and start to keel over. I do not need it in the house, there are enough objects to grab, but outside I need it. This is getting better, but it is also why I do not drive, I can see getting one of these bits of confusion and crashing.
So I continue my exercise, the Tea Kwon Do, walking, blogging and painting. Everything helps
The above freezing temperatures help also.
Monday, February 9, 2009
A monday morning and how i am doing
High above the clouds,
I soar looking down,
is this mid-winter thaw,
or the beginning of Spring?
Yes, I am tired of winter, but I do not need to say that again. Okay, how am I doing? My answer has been lately, slowly.
My observation include a huge difference in my eyesight between morning and evening (much better in the morning).
A complete need to crash in the afternoon (3ish) for almost an hour.
Enough distracting light bands in the glasses, that I still refuse to try to drive (that really upsets me).
Glasses with a screw that keeps working itself loose and a lens pops out, rendering me blind when it happens. This requires a trip to New York SUNY to replace it.
Eye sight (without glasses) that produces two perfect images that some times (in the morning) over lap a bit (and in the evening seem much further away than they are).
I am pushing my, brain, body and eyesight so I might have the energy that I can function a whole day on.
All the success has been slow as everyone told me it would be.
There are still coughing fits that sound terrible, but I can tell in this case, it is getting better. I am able to eat well.
The eyesight is still confusing because of the variance.
My artistic abilities are still working and it seems that my analytical mind is till doing okay (I was given a brain teaser last night when I was tired and did not solved it, but did get the Algebra equations to solve it).
And I still blog and keep up with the other blogger I link to.
This seems to be really important.
I try to go to a friends on weekends (both days to build up energy) and keep in touch with important people.
I sadly, still have not let go of some bad treatment I received from a supposed "girlfriend" in August. Since I was in the middle of some very intense recovery at the time, the taste in my mouth from this is still very bad. I am a bit unhappy that I have not let it all go and be over with, but she keeps coming in my mind. I would prefer that that space be kept for all the positive people who I know. Of course it might be she intends to visit me (I get these premonitions before they happen) as she has before, with no warning. It would not be welcome. So I guess this is the garbage that still has to be taken out.
I have been promised a visit by some of the positive people this week and I hope they come. It will be a help.
I think I am getting to be a bit lonely, especially since Dave is working a few times this week. I won't get the exercise I need.
Peace to all reading this...feel free to comment.
I soar looking down,
is this mid-winter thaw,
or the beginning of Spring?
Yes, I am tired of winter, but I do not need to say that again. Okay, how am I doing? My answer has been lately, slowly.
My observation include a huge difference in my eyesight between morning and evening (much better in the morning).
A complete need to crash in the afternoon (3ish) for almost an hour.
Enough distracting light bands in the glasses, that I still refuse to try to drive (that really upsets me).
Glasses with a screw that keeps working itself loose and a lens pops out, rendering me blind when it happens. This requires a trip to New York SUNY to replace it.
Eye sight (without glasses) that produces two perfect images that some times (in the morning) over lap a bit (and in the evening seem much further away than they are).
I am pushing my, brain, body and eyesight so I might have the energy that I can function a whole day on.
All the success has been slow as everyone told me it would be.
There are still coughing fits that sound terrible, but I can tell in this case, it is getting better. I am able to eat well.
The eyesight is still confusing because of the variance.
My artistic abilities are still working and it seems that my analytical mind is till doing okay (I was given a brain teaser last night when I was tired and did not solved it, but did get the Algebra equations to solve it).
And I still blog and keep up with the other blogger I link to.
This seems to be really important.
I try to go to a friends on weekends (both days to build up energy) and keep in touch with important people.
I sadly, still have not let go of some bad treatment I received from a supposed "girlfriend" in August. Since I was in the middle of some very intense recovery at the time, the taste in my mouth from this is still very bad. I am a bit unhappy that I have not let it all go and be over with, but she keeps coming in my mind. I would prefer that that space be kept for all the positive people who I know. Of course it might be she intends to visit me (I get these premonitions before they happen) as she has before, with no warning. It would not be welcome. So I guess this is the garbage that still has to be taken out.
I have been promised a visit by some of the positive people this week and I hope they come. It will be a help.
I think I am getting to be a bit lonely, especially since Dave is working a few times this week. I won't get the exercise I need.
Peace to all reading this...feel free to comment.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Sunday morning reflections
It is Sunday morning and am feeling good today. Yesterday was a good day, lots of strength until 3 PM when I crashed for an hour, Then I stayed up till 12! That is the latest I have been up since August. This is a good thing. I do hope this week to go out with the rest of the lab for a post holiday lunch (we like to do post holiday cause it is easier to get a spot). We have had some interesting events occur when we go out, cause no one really knows us (okay, occasionally they recognize me). Why is that important? Cause we work for the health department and know all the serious complaints and do get into some of the analysis. The funniest time was when one of us was served calamari with a very prominent hair in it, we brought it up to the waiter, who got the manager, who started arguing with us about what it was! You really shouldn't do that and I have never seen some one get so flustered as when he took a look at our name tags (Government center badges with department name prominently displayed)! Sadly, we were not amused and neither were they the next day when they failed an inspection.
Did I tell you that we get along well together at the Lab?
I am looking forward to this lunch!
Did I tell you that we get along well together at the Lab?
I am looking forward to this lunch!
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Early Morning February rants
Yes, I admit it, I have been drooling while watching the weather channel, cause I am always checking the weather in my old home town of Houston, Texas. While we have not seen the freezing mark as a high for awhile (we are on the underside of it), Houston's lows have been in the upper 40s and 50s. Today and tommorow we might get up to levels that will melt this black and grey snow and ice that is out there. And then there is hope, every year about this time, Target starts selling seeds and in anticipation of spring and for my own well being, I buy what I think I will need. I helps me realize that winter is soon to be finished and that the daffodil farm, way up on Roxbury (?) will be blooming again,. A poor picture is included for your edification, enjoyment and hope for the end of this difficult winter. I always view spring as the begining of the new year.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Okay can I be scared?
Better days, pushing my body to do things, having dreams about....work.
That seems to suck the air right out of me. Questions, Am I really up to it? Can I do what I do? How the heck do I work around this vision thing?
This is not a earth shattering event, nor is it life threatening, but it has me rattled.
When I was in the hospital for the 6 weeks, they tried to give me things they thought would be applicable to getting back on the road, little micro dexterity type work, which I did well with full double vision. So why the fear? It isn't like I do not know the job, I worked there 29 years, but it is because I know the job that it scares me.
It is the interpretation of doing those micro dexterity things that has me going. It is the set up using dangerous chemicals that has me scared (it is one thing to spill some chicken broth out of a can, another to spill hydrochloric acid)!
I look at my typing, you don't see it, but i am missing the key placement, hitting double keys all the time (thank God for spell check)!
I think of making media, titrations, working instruments, reading micro plates, interpreting the results,Quality Control testing and talking with the public. The last one I don't see a problem with, it is everything leading up to it that has my head spinning.
The time is coming, within the next month and I will go back, a lttle bit at a time.
In the mean time, I think I will do some more painting.
That seems to suck the air right out of me. Questions, Am I really up to it? Can I do what I do? How the heck do I work around this vision thing?
This is not a earth shattering event, nor is it life threatening, but it has me rattled.
When I was in the hospital for the 6 weeks, they tried to give me things they thought would be applicable to getting back on the road, little micro dexterity type work, which I did well with full double vision. So why the fear? It isn't like I do not know the job, I worked there 29 years, but it is because I know the job that it scares me.
It is the interpretation of doing those micro dexterity things that has me going. It is the set up using dangerous chemicals that has me scared (it is one thing to spill some chicken broth out of a can, another to spill hydrochloric acid)!
I look at my typing, you don't see it, but i am missing the key placement, hitting double keys all the time (thank God for spell check)!
I think of making media, titrations, working instruments, reading micro plates, interpreting the results,Quality Control testing and talking with the public. The last one I don't see a problem with, it is everything leading up to it that has my head spinning.
The time is coming, within the next month and I will go back, a lttle bit at a time.
In the mean time, I think I will do some more painting.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
a Good day
I was told there would be good days and bad. The day before was not so good, yesterday was good. Finishing my painting (save for the couple of minor things I will play with when I look at it again), A walk in the freezing cold to downtown Stamford and an evening when i could read the computer screen (something that has been difficult for several days at night). This meant I could do my conservatorship work last night (I volunteer to help some one with mental disabilities manage their money) and not have to work on it along with everything else this morning.
I am also getting my head ready to go back to work. The priority is getting use to using the glasses so I do not look half in the bag (and also so I do not spill anything important). Walking, eye exercises, body exercises, computer work are all part of that discipline. As my other blogger contacts and friends seem to be going through so much, I do marvel at the healing ability of blogging.
If I haven't said it before, Thanks for being here!
It is always worth repeating!
I am also getting my head ready to go back to work. The priority is getting use to using the glasses so I do not look half in the bag (and also so I do not spill anything important). Walking, eye exercises, body exercises, computer work are all part of that discipline. As my other blogger contacts and friends seem to be going through so much, I do marvel at the healing ability of blogging.
If I haven't said it before, Thanks for being here!
It is always worth repeating!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Finished!
This is my finished project! There may be some items that are not accurate, but we know 1) the 2 story portion was built after the civil war, 2) the back room didn't exist at first 3) there was no bathroom 4) there was a porch on the west side of the house just past where the bathroom exists now. Anyway this is my rendition. I must have started it a number of years ago when I was trying to force my self to paint and couldn't do it. I figure the tumor may have had something to do with this. Changing the problems in the first picture to the final was a bit difficult because I work best with cold press paper or watercolor board, this was rough absorbent paper. My eyes gave me fits at times, losing focus for no apparent reason, I would go from my reading glasses (with prisms) to the distance glasses (also with prisms) trying to get my eyes to work correctly. It does something very good for me to know I am able to do this again.
For those who want to know, the following are the materials I work with (okay you artist types!). A beat up brush from an old 'prang' watercolor set is essential, as are the fine brushes and the sponge and a blotting paper! My preference has always been watercolor board or heavy weight cold press paper (hot press will do also). I love working with detail and dry brushes except when I do skies (then it has to be wet paper and brush).
Any way this is my therapy now!
For those who want to know, the following are the materials I work with (okay you artist types!). A beat up brush from an old 'prang' watercolor set is essential, as are the fine brushes and the sponge and a blotting paper! My preference has always been watercolor board or heavy weight cold press paper (hot press will do also). I love working with detail and dry brushes except when I do skies (then it has to be wet paper and brush).
Any way this is my therapy now!
Dual perspectives
In my reading of blogs, I have noticed time and time again, that they are a way, for each who write, a way for coping with serious major issues. Health, family health, job loss, family loss, moving to new locations, etc... So I come to see my blog also as a healing place, but i have two perspectives.
The first is i get to reflect in writing, which does clear my head. The second is that i get to read and comment on others struggles and this is not only helpful for me, but I hope also for them. This to me, adds a great level of healing for the soul.
I was reflecting a bit on two items today. The first was my last November, when my mind began to go "south" with the subsequent re-hospitalization. I have a strange test for my brain, which i failed sometime in November, but I was already too far gone to recognize it. I recount Avogadro's Number. It is a number I never use, but drilled into my head while being taught the various concepts in chemistry. I know it clearly now, but in November, could not come up with it. This tells me my mind was really not present, so how was i functioning? My heart was making all the decisions and some times they were not in my best interest, but kindness was the first priority. I like that, and am try to keep that present, even though my mind tempers it with self preservation.
The second will be in a second post, but apparently, the tumor was stopping my ability to create watercolor (or other artistic things) in a style that i was used to, there was no "heart" and as a result, I entered into a period where i did not and could not paint, even when i wanted to.
I notice that because I am working on an unfinished project, begun during this time i believe the tumor was active. I would say that the paper was wrong, the attitude was wrong, the detail non-existent and there was no warmth. Exhibit A.
As i work on it, I find some difficulty because it is a "rough paper", not pressed (cold or hot, artist who work with water color know what i mean) and that makes correction more difficult, but this is what I did yesterday. It is the same base and as I said there is a bit of perspective that i need to find a way to correct, but the change is there. There is life again in what I do. Exhibit B.
I would say the tumor actually stopped a creative element that had existed (even if you do not like the work). And because there is more going on in my heart, there is added warmth.
The first is i get to reflect in writing, which does clear my head. The second is that i get to read and comment on others struggles and this is not only helpful for me, but I hope also for them. This to me, adds a great level of healing for the soul.
I was reflecting a bit on two items today. The first was my last November, when my mind began to go "south" with the subsequent re-hospitalization. I have a strange test for my brain, which i failed sometime in November, but I was already too far gone to recognize it. I recount Avogadro's Number. It is a number I never use, but drilled into my head while being taught the various concepts in chemistry. I know it clearly now, but in November, could not come up with it. This tells me my mind was really not present, so how was i functioning? My heart was making all the decisions and some times they were not in my best interest, but kindness was the first priority. I like that, and am try to keep that present, even though my mind tempers it with self preservation.
The second will be in a second post, but apparently, the tumor was stopping my ability to create watercolor (or other artistic things) in a style that i was used to, there was no "heart" and as a result, I entered into a period where i did not and could not paint, even when i wanted to.
I notice that because I am working on an unfinished project, begun during this time i believe the tumor was active. I would say that the paper was wrong, the attitude was wrong, the detail non-existent and there was no warmth. Exhibit A.
As i work on it, I find some difficulty because it is a "rough paper", not pressed (cold or hot, artist who work with water color know what i mean) and that makes correction more difficult, but this is what I did yesterday. It is the same base and as I said there is a bit of perspective that i need to find a way to correct, but the change is there. There is life again in what I do. Exhibit B.
I would say the tumor actually stopped a creative element that had existed (even if you do not like the work). And because there is more going on in my heart, there is added warmth.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
More watercolor
At this point I am actual amazed at the creativeness that his been popping up. I have finished my watercolor portrait to my satisfaction, mostly because I can see the beauty of my friend, Jenny. I hope she picks it up! I will try to mat it and have a frame and will include a decent scan of the picture in this blog. I have been working on something else, a replication of a farm in Virginia. A number of us have been doing renovation/restoration work and figured out what the pre-civil war structure would look like and so I am in the very first stages of recreating it in a painting. After the civil war, the structure had a two story addition in front of it, but left the front porch flooring as a breezeway between the two structures. My fun for today.
Monday, February 2, 2009
perspective
I do remember why I started so many posts in August, it was an attempt to chronicle my recovery for myself because memory sometimes fades and sometimes does not exist for this "Adventure". I believe I may be entering the end game, but doubts occur, some days are not so clear or good, some days are filled with doubt and confusion. Some days, I think I will never be without a problem, some days, I am full of hope that the end is near. There seems to be so much I am able to learn about myself during my time of reflection, prayer and meditation. I can not say that my mind is quite during those times, but I try not to guide my thoughts so I can see what is really going on.
There is an unusual aside concerning being out of work, the machine that died, the only one that allows us to do metals, is on the verge of being replaced and without it, I think I would go out of my mind. Oh, there is enough bacteria work, computer work and insect work to keep me some what occupied, but I always liked being stretched to just beyond my ability, it ensured learning and growth. I find that essential for my life.
At this time, everyday is stretched beyond my ability and I do exhaust myself regularly and that is only doing simple things. I wonder what it will be like being back in the lab, because the day is coming, but I have to be able to clean small things for more than an hour before I tire myself out. The walks with David help. The exercise, both in the morning and night, help. The small glass of somethings alcoholic before I go to bed, helps calm me and put me to sleep. The quiet time in the morning helps direct me. Eating right is helping me put an end to weight gain.
Eating right can be a chore at best.
I stopped a med, Gemfibrozil (for triglycerides and cholesterol ) because, the pill kept getting stuck in my throat and dissolving and really irritating the hell out of it. I looked at the chemical formula and saw an end acetic acid group and realized why, my doctor has something different for me. With that action and the Prevacid taken, it seems that things are getting better. There is still a tickle in the throat that will set up a coughing spell at anytime (water is particularly bad).
There are daily eye and mental exercises that stimulate me, but also tire me out.
I now can show people what I do see, with the help of the glasses and people are horrified at what I see and amazed that I am up an about.
I still love to cook, it is the precursor to being back in the lab.
My friends do not want me to be out alone, there is a real fear that what happened in December will repeat. They almost lost me that time.
I can not wait (anticipation), for the day I do not have to wear glasses, mostly because getting up and seeing the confusion from my eyes when I wake up is disconcerting at best.
I can't say I actually enjoy exploring the depths of my soul (lots of pain there), but I have been afforded a unique opportunity at this time and I am taking advantage of it.
This is my current adventure, to love and hate, at the same time.
There is an unusual aside concerning being out of work, the machine that died, the only one that allows us to do metals, is on the verge of being replaced and without it, I think I would go out of my mind. Oh, there is enough bacteria work, computer work and insect work to keep me some what occupied, but I always liked being stretched to just beyond my ability, it ensured learning and growth. I find that essential for my life.
At this time, everyday is stretched beyond my ability and I do exhaust myself regularly and that is only doing simple things. I wonder what it will be like being back in the lab, because the day is coming, but I have to be able to clean small things for more than an hour before I tire myself out. The walks with David help. The exercise, both in the morning and night, help. The small glass of somethings alcoholic before I go to bed, helps calm me and put me to sleep. The quiet time in the morning helps direct me. Eating right is helping me put an end to weight gain.
Eating right can be a chore at best.
I stopped a med, Gemfibrozil (for triglycerides and cholesterol ) because, the pill kept getting stuck in my throat and dissolving and really irritating the hell out of it. I looked at the chemical formula and saw an end acetic acid group and realized why, my doctor has something different for me. With that action and the Prevacid taken, it seems that things are getting better. There is still a tickle in the throat that will set up a coughing spell at anytime (water is particularly bad).
There are daily eye and mental exercises that stimulate me, but also tire me out.
I now can show people what I do see, with the help of the glasses and people are horrified at what I see and amazed that I am up an about.
I still love to cook, it is the precursor to being back in the lab.
My friends do not want me to be out alone, there is a real fear that what happened in December will repeat. They almost lost me that time.
I can not wait (anticipation), for the day I do not have to wear glasses, mostly because getting up and seeing the confusion from my eyes when I wake up is disconcerting at best.
I can't say I actually enjoy exploring the depths of my soul (lots of pain there), but I have been afforded a unique opportunity at this time and I am taking advantage of it.
This is my current adventure, to love and hate, at the same time.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
A Sunday Morning
Dull skies with clouds scattered and grey,
Dirty snow, not shimmering white,
My heart is not pale tho,
a new hope has wakened,
I am at peace.
Wow! I never knew that fear was such a powerful enemy, I didn't know all of its origins. My heart obviously did. During this, in reality, short Adventure that seems to have lasted a life time, I keep coming into the depths of my heart and soul and awakening new things. And each new thing, I look at carefully, both the good the bad, the facts and the fiction, and the good seems strengthen and the bad seems to fade away. The facts are understood with new meaning and the fiction disappears. I find this amazing.
Dirty snow, not shimmering white,
My heart is not pale tho,
a new hope has wakened,
I am at peace.
Wow! I never knew that fear was such a powerful enemy, I didn't know all of its origins. My heart obviously did. During this, in reality, short Adventure that seems to have lasted a life time, I keep coming into the depths of my heart and soul and awakening new things. And each new thing, I look at carefully, both the good the bad, the facts and the fiction, and the good seems strengthen and the bad seems to fade away. The facts are understood with new meaning and the fiction disappears. I find this amazing.
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